I Live In Denial
When I saw J on Tuesday I told her that I messaged B and she wanted me to address why his response made me feel guilty. I stumbled over my words and held back emotion as I tried to explain that I hated that he remembers me as being “so sad”. Those words are just ringing in my head. “so sad”. I was “so sad”.
B’s not wrong to say that but I hate remembering how sad I was back when I was a teenager. So sad.
After a spat with Michael I began to realize how my past intimate relationships were dictating my current relationship. I am essentially punishing Michael for what my ex’s did because I can’t go back to them and say, “fuck you”. So sad.
And then it crashed, but a good crash, and I realized that I live in denial about how much pain I’ve experienced and what caused that pain. I think I see that as being weak. I feel like if I’m sad then I’m a fake. So sad.
Rationally, I know all of that is not true. In the words of Linkin Park, “even the people who never frown eventually break down.” I’ve had this conversation with some of my Mad colleagues about how we go around presenting, training and sharing about recovery but then we’ll go home and self harm, or purge, or think about suicide. It’s about living though, pushing yourself through the hard times, not about forgetting everything, or trying to forget.
I’ll have to admit/accept that I was “so sad” and that what got me there was bullying, abuse, self hate and finding myself in less then desirable situations.
I still need to focus and be proud of who I am now, which is happy for the most part.