Psychiatrized Generations

I am a part of the psychiatrized generation of children and youth. It wasn’t too long ago when children and youth were just being “weird”. You had to be pretty messed up to be diagnosed. Now, you just need to be sad one day too long, a little to loud when you’re angry, say something “outlandish”. We’re expected to bounce back from challenges but no one has ever taught us how so we do the best we can and generally adults do not like what we discover, so they label us.

I know some “weird” adults; I’m dating one. I firmly believe, and many have agreed, that if they were born now they most likely would have been psychiatrized. If I had been born earlier then I was possibly I wouldn’t have been labelled the way I have.

To This Day

The following is from Vimeo:

“To This Day Project is a project based on a spoken word poem written by Shane Koyczan (shanekoyczan.com) called “To This Day”, to further explore the profound and lasting impact that bullying can have on an individual.

Schools and families are in desperate need of proper tools to confront this problem. We can give them a starting point… A message that will have a far reaching and long lasting effect in confronting bullying.

Animators and motion artists brought their unique styles to 20 second segments that will thread into one fluid voice.
This collaborative volunteer effort will demonstrate what a community of caring individuals are capable of when they come together.”

Kristen:

I remember being told no one would date me, I remember being told I was ugly, I remember being called a suicidal cutter, I remember being told I was a liar and a fake but at the same time that I was crazy and should locked away in a hospital, I remember being told I was nothing and I believed them and wished I was dead.

But they were wrong. I’m still here and I will always be here because I know who I am, what I am worth and that I am beautiful. But I will never forget.

For more:

Watch the call for entries here: vimeo.com/56131212

tothisdayproject.com

bullying.org

giantant.ca

What’s it Like to Be An Adult Who Self Harms

I am turning 23 next month. I am classified as a young adult but I feel closer to a teenager than anything. All my memories are in those years so it makes sense that I would still identify with teens more than with adults.

I want to stop cutting. I’m saying that in my “right” mind, so my calm mind, the one that doesn’t make everything a disaster but is able to focus and process.

For too long I’ve been saying “I’m not as bad as I used to be” which I’m beginning to see as almost permission to harm myself as long as it’s not bad. What is bad? Bad for me is deep, it’s the number of times, the number of days, the location, and if I’m slow to recover from it. So as long as it’s only once a month, just a few cuts, in a hidden location and I can shrug it off then I’m ok? No.

I am still proud of how far I have come but I need to start taking it all the way.

I’m hitting a road block though and so far I can only determine that it’s because of my age. I try to find services but I’m too old. I try to find groups and I’m either too old or I can’t find the groups. I try to find workbooks and they’re mostly geared towards teens, if they are workbooks at all. I want to share my knowledge in the form of participating in research but I’m too old.

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure

Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from DBT and Other Treatments (this one is at a library near me so I’m going to check it out)

Where is the help for adults who have been cutting for almost half their life?!?!?!?!?

It seems like only now that I’ve “phased” out from youth services that all these beneficial treatments are popping up for youth. A lot of money is being given to fund and develop child and youth mental health services.

Government of Canada announces funding for Ontario projects that support positive mental health (last year)

Harper Government Invests to Improve Access to Mental Health Services for Children and Youth (this year)

Where was this money when I needed it?

I am happy that, at least on paper, things for children and youth look as if they’ll turn around. I don’t want any young person to have to experience something similar to what I experienced but there are a lot of adults, myself included, that were the youth that at one point needed help and didn’t get it or didn’t get the same quality.

I know that there are self harm resources out there…..for youth….Looking back my self harm was never really addressed in therapy. It always seemed to come secondary to my sadness which was eventually labeled as chronic depression. I do recognize  that as I grew older, respected myself, got rid of horrible friends and learned better coping skills I was able to decrease my cutting. This isn’t enough!

I think self harm for me was the cause of all my shit. This wasn’t just a negative coping technique it became a physical, biological response to stress. I would in a sense crave it the same way someone who has quit smoking may crave a cigarette in times of stress. It’s the hard wiring that self harm has done in my brain that I need to get rid of.

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know where to go. I sort of don’t want to do it on my own but where are the adult self harming services?

I want to let go of this behaviour that I highly associate with being a teenager. I guess this is a sign that adults shouldn’t be self harming? I wish it had magically clicked off in my head when I turned 18 and I never had to deal with it again.

 

Thought #9: Please Don’t Forget About Me

Thought: I wanted to participate in a self harm survey but I was too old. I’ve wanted to go to self harm support groups but they’re either non existent or I’m too old. It’s stupid how in the realm of self harm I’m old, at 22! They treat this coping mechanism as if it’s only done by teenagers BUT IT’S NOT! Us “old” self harmers need help too! These younger people who engage in self harm sometimes make me feel bad. They talk about how they’ve been cutting for two years and are trying to stop or have stopped. I find myself sitting here thinking, “holy shit, I’ve been cutting for almost 11 years….” I feel like the system has forgotten about me. I “phased” out and now I’m an adult and no one seems to care about the adults. Everything is about helping the youth. Us adults are the youth that were left behind and we need help too. I hold a lot of knowledge on self harm but this doesn’t seem to be recognized. One episode of self harm is bad enough but what I know after almost 11 years is different from a young person who has been self harming for a few. I hate this need I have for my pain to be recognized but I’ve been cutting for almost half of my life and this is a problem. I rarely cut, maybe once a month, but this past month was bad. Maybe I need to stop focusing on “its not as bad as it used to be” and actually start putting in the effort in making it completely disappear? Where do I go? Into a system that doesn’t seem to care about me? How long can I pass on that?