BPD Awareness Month- Day 8: An Unlikely BPD Song

I’m just a little obsessed with Turn Me On by David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj. The music, the lyrics (although not creative) make me feel pretty sexy and most importantly free.

It hit me a few days ago that this could be my BPD anthem!

It’s a horrible way of thinking wrapped into a catchy song!

Give me something
I need your love
I need your love
I need your loving
You got that kind of medicine that keeps me comin’

I was so dependent on the person I was with. They would keep me going because I couldn’t do it on my own. Savior is actually the appropriate word.

Make me come alive
Come on turn me on
Touch me, save my life
Come on and turn me on
I’m too young to die
Come on and turn me on

Being with someone was my reason for living. It was proof that I was worth something. I constantly needed male approval. Without it I hated myself. Who was I if I couldn’t find someone to love me? I wasn’t going to love myself.

You’ve got my life in the palm of your hands
Come and save me now
I know you can, I know you can

These guys were chosen to save my life. They didn’t know it at first but they decided for me if I was going to live or die that day. They defined me so they could easily break me apart.

I’ve found myself thinking over the years about how amazing music is at saying what I haven’t been able to. Despite this I’ve found it upsetting that I have still experienced a lack of understanding.

I know people are listening to this song for example and thinking, “Yeah! Save my life!!!! Whoo!!”, not realizing how real that is for some people and they wouldn’t,  especially not given the dance beat. Music provides a 2 or 3 minute snapshot of something about life. Once the song is over so is the experience but for some of us we can’t shut it off, it doesn’t end, it keeps going.

I don’t know if I explained myself well but I’m sure you can see what I’m getting at.

Thought #12: I’m Still Here

Thought: I found myself wondering yesterday HOW THE HELL AM I STILL ALIVE?!?!?!?! I had just got onto the school property of where I work and just  being in that place where little people are I started thinking about the crap I’d done to my body. Some of it could have killed me either on purpose or by accident….whatever an accident was back then. I’m not complaining about being alive I’m just surprised. I didn’t have plans past 18 so I’m making it up as I go and I have plans now.