A Friend I Don’t Need

I am a “bitch” and a “control woman”.

That is what a male “friend” called me moments ago while I tried to explain that Judaism is not a race but a religion therefore what he has said was not racist.

Race: (noun) Each of the major divisions of humankind, having distinct physical characteristics. 

Judaism: the religion, philosophy and way of life of the Jewish people.

(I acknowledge that race makes up more then skin colour, it is complex and I always resort to self identification at all times)

He told me that Judaism is somewhat like a race and I continued to say that it was a religion. When I felt myself stumbling over words because I was getting angry (“I know it’s a religion,” he said, well then why do you think it’s a race?) I told him I had to go (this was via text). He told me not to be a bitch and said “peace”. Up until that point I had tried not to swear, not to be angry because I understand why people think religions such as Judaism, Muslim and Islam are races due to how deeply rooted into a person’s identity they are. We also tend to refer to those three groups of people by their religion the same way I would identify as White. But the simple fact is that Judaism IS NOT a race. You can have a race of people mostly participate in Judaism but that doesn’t change that Judaism is a religion.

He tried to tell me that race constitutes people that have similar features which is what made his comment racist, to which I responded that women have similar features but to say something about them isn’t racist, it’s sexist.

He told me that I am condescending when I think I am right. I said that I was trying to share with him what I was taught (I am the one that has studied race and oppression for the past 5-ish years). He said that I could have said that instead of “jabbering” away. So, my swear-free explanation of how Judaism is not a race was just jabbering? Then how was I supposed to communicate what I saying? Clearly, proving him wrong constitutes as “jabbering”.

It is safe to say that I have no interest in speaking with this “friend” for quiet some time. I find this conversation offends me as an intelligent woman and as someone with anger issues.

To be called a “bitch” and a “control woman” for voicing what I have been taught is true I feel is getting into sexist territory. If one of his male friends had, had a this conversation would he have called them a dick or control man? I highly doubt it.

To be called a “bitch” and a “control woman” for voicing what I have been taught is true makes me angry because I feel like this conversation keeps pushing the idea that I can never be correct in my knowledge and that no matter how much I think I am handling a situation well there are still people out there who think otherwise. (This seems to be an issue with men that I have)

It’s not a loss to not have someone in my life who thinks this about me when we try to share information and disagree.

Sources:

Race definition: Google

Judaism: Wikipedia

Bitch, Manipulator, Attention Seeker

Sometimes I can catch it and sometimes I can’t. I couldn’t tell you the factors that go into whether I rage or not but I know it happens because I feel attacked or frustrated. Sometimes this means a rage and sometimes it does not.

What is consistent is people’s response to my raging.

I am always met with hostility back which fuels me to keep going, keep raging because they are confirming the paranoid thoughts I’ve already begun to think. Thoughts about how they don’t care about me, that I’m stupid, that I’m incapable and that I should be dead. When I’m in a rage any anger directed back to me sends me crumbling.

I try and express what I’m feeling and explain that I can’t handle what I’m experiencing on top of their own anger and that’s when the belittling begins. I’m told that I can’t expect people to be nice to me if I’m attacking them, that I’m being ridiculous, if I can’t control myself then why should they and that it shouldn’t be all on them to stop a rage.

I can agree with all of those points but I need them to understand and they simply do not. I don’t mean to be this angry! I don’t want to be this angry! It all feels so involuntary… I am left with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am walking on eggs shells too. I cannot go into a rage because there will be no support, there will be no understanding at the time when I need it most.

I’m not at the point of where I can effectively stop a rage. I can prevent going into one but once I’m in it I’m in it for the long haul. I am confused, I am charged with adrenaline,  my brain is on overdrive, my body feels like an explosive and I wish I could explode. I want everything I’m feeling to come outside of my body because I can’t take it being on the inside. This is when I scream, yell, throw things, hit people and hurt myself. I know this is wrong but words are not enough to tell them that I can’t understand what is happening, that I do not think it is fair and that I want it to stop. It feels like it will never stop. They do not understand and accuse me of wanting to make their lives hell.

What can I do when those around me can’t help? Or worse, they don’t want to because they believe I should be able to stop raging despite years of showing them how I struggle. That struggle is not seen as so, it is seen as me being childish and spoiled. That hurts me.

If I cut it is not show “prove” to you that I am in pain. I am trying to make my mind stop screaming, my body stop vibrating and the world slow down. I need to catch my breath.

I think I give up on trying to come up with solutions to help me communicate with these people. I can only do so much. They need to do their part; but their part makes them feel like my slave, that they have to take my abuse. This isn’t true and unless they change their minds we will never improve. They need to take responsibility just like they’re telling me I need too.

All I’m asking is that they ask me, at the beginning of a rage, “What are you feeling that is making you so angry right now?” and then please understand my response and know that I want to make sense of what is happening, I am aware that what I think and feel is distorted at times. Please kindly show me this.

I need to get out of my mind and body. I need understanding. I feel like I’ll never get what I need.

I am the Bitch, I am the Manipulator, I am the Attention-Seeker but I am never the one in Pain. I am the Blamed.

Bitch Bad

Lupe Fiasco’s song “Bitch Bad” looks at how mainstream hip hop and society use the term “bitch”.

“Bitch” is yet another word that can be demeaning and empowering. Women especially seem to be able to to be an empowered bitch and then a mean bitch.

Here’s the video!

For me, “bitch” has been both good and bad. I can own being a “bitch” but I fully recognize that “bitch” is another word that places blame on women and girls. It is a female word, originally (and still is) the term for a female dog. We even use “bitch” to demean a man by say that he is “acting like a woman”.

What do you all this of this video and it’s message?

I’m Still Waiting…

This post is inspired on what I’m currently experiencing and the blog You Know You’re Borderline When… 

I’ve been busy babysitting so I haven’t been able to post longer entries or think about how to phrase what I’m feeling. I’ve just been feeling and it sucks, especially since I noticed I’m developing a habit of not wanting to talk about why I’m upset. I’m content to sit and stew in it and attempt to forget it. I can see now that I’ve spent a lot of time forgetting things I possibly shouldn’t. Forgetting isn’t dealing.

Anyways, the link I posted got me thinking about how I am sometimes overly nice and overly mean.

“You know you’re borderline when your friend tells you her good news and immediately you’re seething with jealousy.” -You Know You’re Borderline When…, March 12, 2012

I am a very empathetic person. I care a lot of people, especially those I am close to. It greatly pains me to see them hurt and I will, most of the time stupidly, take on their pain and make it my own. I want to fix their problems so they can be happy.

Then there is the flip side. From one extreme to the other. I don’t want to call it “jealousy” because I see jealousy as “I don’t want my boyfriend talking to other girls”. I prefer to call it unfairness because when I break it down it always comes back to “why can’t I have that?” This is why I can be very mean and be a “bitch” or “heartless”

The unfairness I feel is usually based around whether or not I have felt fulfilled in that area of my life. I’m not talking little things like “she has clothes I want or he has a job that pays me more.” It’s more like the big life things like love for example.

I have been let down, left behind and treated like crap for too long and I find myself wondering when will I get certain things in my life that I feel I deserve.

This probably sounds selfish and that’s mostly because I’m not prepared to give specific examples which would help make what I’m saying more understandable. I don’t like feeling upset when someone else is happy because I can’t stop thinking “why won’t that happen to me?” or “when will I get to have/do that?”

It’s painful because it comes down to feeling worthless and undeserving. I can usually dance around the issue, have a rant about it, and try to make the situation seem stupid but I’m having trouble doing that this week and allowing the actual core of the problem to stay with me.

If that’s good or bad, I don’t know.