I rarely write in Pride in Madness when I’m in the midst of a rage. When my body is vibrating and my mind bent on destroying myself it is impossible to sit at the computer and type what I’m feeling. There are rarely words, just screams and thrown objects. One night though, maybe back in March, I grabbed my note pad and wrote the thoughts that were flying through my mind. I would like to share the second of 4 notes with you.
“I want to do this alone. I want my physical to match my emotional, so I can stop lying to myself but these lies have to be based on something. Don’t they? I don’t want help. I don’t want someone there to stop me when I fall apart.”
I feel like certain things are happening in my life that are damaging me. I’m told that they’re not happening. Even in my “wise mind” I know that some of them are and I want people to stop telling me otherwise or I need to stop lying to myself. it’s extremely frustrating. I really wish that I was alone, or at least living alone, so I could fall apart and do what I want to do. People keep me together and sometimes that’s just not what I want. I want to fall apart free of shame. i won’t get mad at myself if I do that but I know others will.
I rarely write in Pride in Madness when I’m in the midst of a rage. When my body is vibrating and my mind bent on destroying myself it is impossible to sit at the computer and type what I’m feeling. There are rarely words, just screams and thrown objects. One night though, maybe back in March, I grabbed my note pad and wrote the thoughts that were flying through my mind. I would like to share the first of 4 notes with you.
“The social constraints keep me here. No acting out, no yelling, not screaming, no punching or kicking. NO FIGHTING!!! Ignore what I feel needs to be done. My whole life is suppression. How do I let go of one thing without losing control of the whole thing? Maybe I should just do it? Yes, that’s fun.”
This was after my social worker encouraged me to bring down the walls. I try very hard to act the way society wants me to act and I was hoping that if I let my walls down I could fall apart because that would be better trying to keep it together.
Here is this week’s amazing parent on the Parents-Space series, Parenting and Mental Health! I would like to thank Stacey for trusting me with her story! She is an amazing woman and gives me confidence that I will be a good parent regardless of having BPD in my life!
Visit Stacey at: http://theparttimewriter.wordpress.com
I’m thinking of posting one a week now! These interviews are too awesome to keep away for too long!
While reading about self sabotage last night I had an epiphany.
This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday night:
“I need constant reassurance from Michael because in the past my partners held the power to decide my life. I gave that to them and they also beat me down and took it. I didn’t trust my judgement then and I clearly don’t trust it now. I expect Michael to decide something he knows nothing about and doesn’t want. I am so worried that he’ll sabotage me that I’m actually handing it over when I need his reassurance because my own isn’t good enough.”
I give Michael all the power he doesn’t want.
It is the power I don’t have and I want.
This isn’t fair to either of us.
The more I look into DBT the more I feel like I will never be able to get it.
I can find services that offer it but I can’t find services that offer it cheaply or for free. Once again I’m being told that what they charge is under what is recommended but it is still to expensive for me.
The Mindfulness Clinic in Toronto offers a DBT program that sounds great (click on link) but it’s $2,800 CDN. Rounding up I make about $800/month. I think insurance only cover about $1,500/year. This is not possible…
A few other services in the city offer individual DBT for a fee and the only number I have from one women in private practice is $115/hour. This would add up to $460/month if I were to go once a week for an hour. I make about $800/month. While this is possible it would come at a non-monetary cost. I can only for once a month or I could only go for half an hour.
I still have rent ($275/month) and transit ($128.50/month) to pay and a VISA bill (in the $300′s) that I barely make a dent in because despite having dental coverage I still don’t make enough money to quickly pay the 10% of my costs.
I’m thinking of just abandoning the idea. Maybe for the time being, maybe just never.
I’m not out of options. I have access to my work’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and there are other places that do individual counselling for free but I’ve been doing individual counselling for so long and I feel like I’m not moving forward anymore. Maybe I’m putting to much hope into DBT but it’s hard to not look at the data and want the improvements for myself.
I don’t have access to a therapy specifically designed for me. This world is fucked.
Here’s one women’s story of recovering from BPD. This is why I have high hopes for myself. i have a traits diagnosis so that may give me a leg up
It’s been one of those days…
I feel like I could blow up the world.
I feel like I want to self destruct.
I need an extra kick but there is no one to give it to me so I manage it myself.
I’m told that I can’t always talk about my feelings. I may have been raging but I felt more sane. I know “out” emotions are bad for others but “in” emotions are bad for me…and I care about me. Protect me.
Life will go on, as it always.
I think I’ll sing.
On the previous DBT Workbook post it talked about the importance of a higher power in time of distress. The book offers some activities to help you connect with whatever your higher power is.
I’ve selected the follow of the suggested activities:
-Your higher power can be a person/people who make you feel stronger and more confident to deal with the challenges that face you. Think of someone who you admire who can be your higher power.
-Look up at the stars. Connect with them.
- Think about the Earth, what does it mean to live on a plant that can support life.
- Go to the beach, a park or field.
-Think about the human body, especially your own.
Taking a time out is also important I actually already try to do this. Having time out to yourself is a great way to treat yourself and give you time to refocus on what you want to be doing.
I agreed to try all of the suggested activities such as:
- Do one nice thing for yourself that you’ve been putting off (maybe a tattoo in the summer?).
- Take time to yourself.
-Take a day off from work or school.
-Take time to do things for your life like running errands.
I find that I am capable of doing all of things but so far only when I’m in a good mood which I feel defeats the purpose of these suggestions being “advanced distress tolerance”. I need to put more focus onto utilizing these skills when I’m in a bad mood, becoming angry or when I am angry.
Today is my sister’s birthday and she is 21!!!! Legal everywhere except in a town in India where the legal age is 25.
Two days ago I posted about the call I had difficulty making to CAMH to see if the wait list for their BPD Clinic was open (which it was not). Ontario Shores aka the Whitby Psych also offers a BPD program and it would not be horrible for me to get to Whitby since my family lives there. I tweeted Ontario Shores asking if self referral was out of the question and they told me to call.
I don’t want to call.
I think I’m telling myself that by calling to ask about the program or going through intake that I am admitting I had a problem. I know that I do but I saying to someone else, that I do not know, that I need help. The person on the other end of the line might think I’m some out of control person who is desperately sick and that’s not who I am and that is probably not what they are thinking…..
Maybe I’ll call after the March Break. CAMH is the desired location. It’s easier for me to get on a streetcar with my monthly pass then it is to pay $14 twice a week and board a bus, subway, train and hopefully get picked up and driven to Ontario Shores.
After raging pretty good a few days ago it has once again become apparent to me that I need to get my shit together (so do those around me but I can’t do anything about that). It’s one thing to expose my partner to my rages but if we’re going to move forward in our lives our future children CANNOT be exposed to the rages I experience. If I continue to experience anger in this way I will have my children taken away from me. That would kill me.
I have decided to get myself on the wait list at CAMH for their BPD Clinic. I’m choosing to ignore the part where it says clients are REQUIRED to have an outside primary therapist because I have heard the wait list is well over two years and who knows where I’ll be by then but I can get an outside therapist if needed I guess. But, that main problem is, is that I can’t make the call. I heard the automated message say, “Welcome to CAMH” and I hung up. I feel like I’m betraying a part of me. I have never interacted with CAMH before (minus to tell them I hated their ads) so do even inquire about this feels like I’m submitting myself to the medical model, saying I have a disease and that my brain is broken. I just don;t want to rage anymore.
I’m probably being over dramatic but all the confidence I had when I first dialed the number is gone.