It upsets me that some can see having mental health issues as being a curse. Does it have its moments of being horrible to the extent that you’d rather not exist any more? Hell yes! I feel that having these issues gives us great insight into who we are and challenges us to always self improve and try hard at what we do (not that I enjoy overcompensating because people think I’m incapable but hopefully you get what I mean).
I realized a few months ago that since I began displaying borderline traits I have improved greatly in my life. This could be because of my awesome management skills or not actually being “ill” at all, just being myself.
I remember the day when I possibly turned completely borderline. It was like a switch.
I experienced an unnamed trauma which finally gave me a reason to be as depressed as everyone thought I didn’t have the right reasons to be. I found myself just as alone, dealing with this trauma, as I normally was. It was devastating. I needed the support but everyone kept telling me that it was no big deal. My partner at the time couldn’t support me either. He always started crying when I wanted to talk about it. “Don’t you think it hurts me too?” He’d say through his tears. I would stop crying and try to comfort him.
Finally, a week or two after the incident occurred something happened. My partner was crying again when I had tried to talk to him and that’s all I remember. My memory picked up again about an hour later in a conversation that made no sense to me. My partner explained that someone else had come through me. My tone had changed, my body language, my speech, and my expression had changed. We realized that I had developed another personality so to speak.
He named her Sarah. She was a bitch. She wasn’t afraid to say what was supposed to be said. She was cocky, relentless and overall everything I was not. My partner told me that Sarah had told him how he was being a baby and treating me like shit; that although she didn’t care for me, she thought that he was being pathetic, crying over the incident and letting me silently fall apart. That wasn’t a man, she had told him.
Sarah came around quiet frequently and my partner became the biggest trigger that would bring her on. He liked her. I thought and still do that, that is sick, to like my other personality, my coping mechanism which meant that I couldn’t deal with reality, more than me.
After we broke up Sarah only made two more appearances. She wasn’t even around for a year and for that I am thankful.
While writing my story for a mental health organization I work with I began to analyze Sarah for the first time. She is one half of my borderline traits. Sarah never left me. She just melted into me.
How did this safe my life? I became angry, I developed black and white thinking and I gained confidence.
I had never been angry before. People walked all over me. Becoming angry allowed me to gain control in my life. I could tell people that they had wronged me and that I was not going to be their punching bag anymore.
I think that my black and white thinking is my super power. I had never been able to let go of those who hurt me. By “splitting” I could easily show myself how someone was not worth my time and effort. I could painlessly walk away from that person or that situation instead of hating myself for screwing up.
All of this just lead to confidence. I could finally protect myself from others and from myself.
Bad days will always exist but I’d rather be who I am now than who I was before.