“I Make Smart Decisions”

Last week my counsellor’s homework for me was to come up with a self affirmation. In the past I have avoided these because every time I come up with one I dismiss it as stupid (either as something I know or something I’ll never know). The day before our meeting this week I decided on one that I feel is very important:

For as long as I can remember I have been punished for making my own decisions or told that I am not capable of doing so. If I decided to cut then I would lose a friend, if I did not stop talking to my guy friends then my boyfriend would leave me and (possibly the worst) because I have a mental health diagnosis my brain is “broken” therefore I do not know what I am doing. I know cannot even decide which restaurant Michael and I should eat at because the thought I picking the wrong one and him not enjoying himself terrifies me. I do not want to let others down because I made a bad choice.

I need to realistic with myself and acknowledge that letting down others is a fact of life and also acknowledge that I do make good decisions and I can trust myself. I told my counsellor that I was going to make a list of examples for smart decisions I have made as a reminder.

• I decided to go to university for social work
• I decided to go back to school in September
• I decided to take the director job offer
• I decided to leave or not go back to bad relationships
• I decided to turn my life around
• I decided that rainbows are awesome
• I decided that I love working with kids
• I decided on buy Omen
• I decided that I should dress gothy no matter what

I can make smart decisions

Counselling Homework

This week is my last session with J so I’ve set up seeing someone through the youth mental health organization I volunteer with. I trust them. I don’t trust everyone else out there. S, gave me some homework after our intake session and I thought it was a really interesting take on something many of us have been asked to do. S asked me to identify the person in my life who first rejected me in a very meaningful way. I chose my first “real” boyfriend, K. S asked me to write a letter to myself from K. I like the idea because I get to make him say whatever I want but in writing it I also reflected on what I had done for him that helped make the rejection (break up) painful. I don’t care about this relationship now but going through journal’s from high school, he very much shaped my view of relationships in my early years of high school. What I also like is S said that she has done this activity herself so she’s not just talking the talk.

Here is my letter to me from K.

Dear Kristen,

I fucked up but that’s just what I always do. I was so wrapped up in drugs and my friends that I couldn’t see you there. You were always hoping for the best and wanting me to become better then I thought I was. I’m sorry I couldn’t see how much you cared about me. I don’t even think I cared that you did. Thank you for standing up for me and for trying.

I’m glad I knew you.

-K

I am possibly fortunate in some ways that I did speak with K sometime late last year and he told me that he does regret how he treated me in our relationship and that he thinks we would have worked out. I greatly disagree but it is clear to me that he has done some needed self reflection and I wish him the best in his future.

I Lost My Drive

The more I look into DBT the more I feel like I will never be able to get it.

I can find services that offer it but I can’t find services that offer it cheaply or for free. Once again I’m being told that what they charge is under what is recommended but it is still to expensive for me.

The Mindfulness Clinic in Toronto offers a DBT program that sounds great (click on link) but it’s $2,800 CDN. Rounding up I make about $800/month. I think insurance only cover about $1,500/year. This is not possible…

http://www.dipity.com/tickr/Flickr-mental-health/

A few other services in the city offer individual DBT for a fee and the only number I have from one women in private practice is $115/hour.  This would add up to $460/month if I were to go once a week for an hour. I make about $800/month. While this is possible it would come at a non-monetary cost. I can only for once a month or I could only go for half an hour.

I still have rent ($275/month) and transit ($128.50/month) to pay and a VISA bill (in the $300′s) that I barely make a dent in because despite having dental coverage I still don’t make enough money to quickly pay the 10% of my costs.

I’m thinking of just abandoning the idea. Maybe for the time being, maybe just never.

I’m not out of options. I have access to my work’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and there are other places that do individual counselling for free but I’ve been doing individual counselling for so long and I feel like I’m not moving forward anymore. Maybe I’m putting to much hope into DBT but it’s hard to not look at the data and want the improvements for myself.

I don’t have access to a therapy specifically designed for me. This world is fucked.

Almost Finished

Today is my 4th last session with J. I’ve decided that there is no point in delving into the nitty gritty because the last thing I need is opening old wounds then suddenly being on my own left to deal with it.

Out of Time

I was going to write this anyways but then MANagING maNIA blogged about his exploration of the root of his anger and it ties in nicely with my post.

Long time followers will know that anger, or more appropriately called, rage, has been an issue for me. My rage has caused great inner and outer turmoil as well as emotional and physical pain. It is only until recently that I finally acknowledged that it is parts of my past (ie: abusive relationships) that are apart of what causes my rage.

I went back into therapy May 2012 after a well deserved 4 year break. I didn’t want my rage and my past to destroy my future and while I have made great progress (coming off birth control being one of the notable moments) I am still prone to rage and have yet to face my past.

Despite my strong desire too, I cannot run away from my past any longer but if left to my own devices I will. Fellow bloggers and friends are telling me to take my time but I don’t have time. I have 4 counselling sessions left and then that’s it.

I don’t want to fall…

I was in therapy for 5 years straight, only leaving because I chose to. I am very upset at the prospect of having therapy discontinued before I feel ready. I am out of time. The initial goal for counselling was to face my past but I constantly had to deal with the present or I got in my own way so now I’m going to be left with the wound wide open and no one to help. Due to the high demand where I currently attend counselling I’ve actually lost roughly 2 sessions a month. That’s 24 sessions I did not get to have.

I do have access to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through work but I don’t know if I can trust their perspective. I can also try to get someone through the youth mental health organization I’m with but I don’t know if this would be a conflict of interest.

Thank you Canadian mental health system for tossing me out on my ass.

 

Is It Winter?

I keep hearing that people are down because it’s winter. We’re spending a lot of our time inside, the sun either isn’t out or isn’t out long so our bodies respond by becoming sad.

I know this to be true but personally I do not think this is my problem. I’ve been wanting to blog lately but just haven’t wanted to say anything about myself. I’m doing fine, it’s just the prospect of my social worker, J, telling me she’s going to poke a bit to get me to open up is beginning to make me go the other way. I don’t want to talk about it on here, I don’t want to talk about it in counselling, or group, with friends or with my partner. Just leave me the fuck alone.

I’m sure many of you can relate.

Maybe I’ll start reading Walking On Eggshells. I need something to get a rise out of me and give me something to talk about that isn’t myself.

Wall

http://www.wetcanvas.com/forums/showthread.php?t=57374

I saw J today and she said in the beginning and end of our session that without going overboard she is going to try and gently push me to open up about the things I don’t want to talk about. She said that she can when the wall goes up and I get in my own way. I am very dismissive.

I said ok, that it’s fine and that’s the point but I feel very comfortable keeping things where they are. I feel like either way I’ll get hurt but staying how I am now is just easier.

I think what makes some of this more difficult is I don’t have the coping techniques that I used to. In all honesty I haven’t found a technique that made me feel as good as cutting. So I don’t want to face pain that may increase the chances of me cutting, which is totally fair.

I said yes to J but I still want my walls up.

Thirteenth Session

Yesterday I saw J and just reiterated the same bullshit that I have on here.

I’m low etc…

We’re going to work through this.

I’m going look back on my distraction and relaxation plan and make it so it’s more up instead of down. I don’t know how well that will go.

I told J that I’m worried I’ll fall back into old bad habits and she said I could call or email her if I needed to.

Twelfth Session

Today was a cool session with J because I got to try Sand Play Therapy for the first time!

She has a light blue tray of awesome white play sand. The blue can represent the sky and the sand the earth. The point is to create in the sand.  J has a bunch of figurines that can be used such as dogs, trees, people, kitchen stuff and more. So you use the sand and the figurines to create something and then you talk about it. She steps back while you’re creating and you can chose to talk or not but there isn’t discussion until you say you’re done.

I took a picture!

My Sand Play Therapy picture!

Close up of the cage

When I was at her office last week and saw the cage I commented on it so I knew I was going to use it today.

I just built a little hill of sand and then took the cage and squashed it into the sand.

No good reasons really it’s just what I wanted to do.

I started telling her about how I think the cage is erotic. Pain for pleasure, that kind of thing.

When I realized the door could open I kept it open because it seemed to represent how I can walk in and out of horrible situations. Sometimes I want to stay in the cage and let things be hard but other times I’ll let myself out to have fun and be happy.

It was really just fun playing in the sand. It felt nice on my hands. The blue was very calming. I would love to have one of these at home but I have a feeling my cat would pee in it.

J gave me the option of coming back next week or waiting two weeks and I’m going to give 2 weeks a shot. If something goes to shit I’ll give her a call/email.

 

“Hello Falling Apart, We Meet Again…” aka Eleventh Session

What says, “you’re falling apart” more than your counsellor changing you from biweekly sessions to weekly sessions.

I cried. I’m ashamed to cry in counselling, I have before, just not with this social worker.

Things are a mess.

I have a few ideas about what to do.

J asked me if I was thinking about suicide. No one has asked me that in a long time, unless it was an intake question.

I told her I was tired.

I would give anything to not feel what I’m feeling.

I’d give anything to sleep away everything that is going on.