You Asked For It

I posted yesterday about how I just have nothing to say about what I’m experiencing. Many of you encouraged me to write something regardless of I think it’s going to be stupid and boring so I’ll give it a shot. I know you’ll accept and understand anything I put out

I don’t care and I don’t know. Those have gradually become my mantras  over this past month.

Counselling isn’t as “action packed” as they used to be because I just have nothing to say.

I do not think this is a self-fulfilling prophecy anymore. I’m not upset about anything. I believe more and more, with each passing day, that the birth control was the rage factor.

I used to feel charged. I had a kick in my step. Last night, on the bus ride home, this man kept staring at me. As a young woman trained to be suspicious I created wild stories in my head about how this man might follow me home and what would I do. Usually, if not always, I would feel confident that I could kick his ass and get away. Not last night. I didn’t feel that burning inside, that fight. I instead felt nothing, not even flight. I put my keys in between my fingers so I could stab him in the face. He didn’t follow me home. I was so sad that I didn’t feel the anger.

This isn’t just a loss of rage. There was a confidence that came with the constant adrenaline pumping through my body. I know I talked about how it was painful but I felt untouchable. I could walk with my head held high, I felt like I could take on anything or at least try.

I miss that.

I’m very low. I don’t want to call it sad but it’s easier for me to get sad. I don’t want to become depressed. I’m closer to that now than I have been over the past 6 years.

I’m not me.

I need to start getting ready for work and stuff. I would like to straighten my hair and I’m running out of time fr it to dry on it’s own (less frizz).

Not Myself Today

I was contemplating taking a break from blogging for about a week but I doubt I could stay away from the computer! I enjoy talking to much!

I’m pretty sad today. I didn’t think yesterdays rehash was going to be painful but today I’m feeling it. I had to talk a little about something that I guess I haven’t analyzed and explain for a while so I guess that kind of got me.

This sucks because I had an eventful day of mental health happenings. At least I can still watch it on tv and report back to you all on it.

I may try and write more about other issues until I can wrap my head around talking about my head again. That could be tonight! Who knows!?

Stupid bad moments wreck everything. There’s nothing I hate more than the sad moments of where you just feel moderately desperate but really calm. When you feel like your body just gave up and you can’t help but think, “why am I here?” I would rather have the big explosion right now, get it over with.

I’ll leave you with this!

Because I needed a laugh!