I posted yesterday about how I just have nothing to say about what I’m experiencing. Many of you encouraged me to write something regardless of I think it’s going to be stupid and boring so I’ll give it a shot. I know you’ll accept and understand anything I put out
I don’t care and I don’t know. Those have gradually become my mantras over this past month.
Counselling isn’t as “action packed” as they used to be because I just have nothing to say.
I do not think this is a self-fulfilling prophecy anymore. I’m not upset about anything. I believe more and more, with each passing day, that the birth control was the rage factor.
I used to feel charged. I had a kick in my step. Last night, on the bus ride home, this man kept staring at me. As a young woman trained to be suspicious I created wild stories in my head about how this man might follow me home and what would I do. Usually, if not always, I would feel confident that I could kick his ass and get away. Not last night. I didn’t feel that burning inside, that fight. I instead felt nothing, not even flight. I put my keys in between my fingers so I could stab him in the face. He didn’t follow me home. I was so sad that I didn’t feel the anger.
This isn’t just a loss of rage. There was a confidence that came with the constant adrenaline pumping through my body. I know I talked about how it was painful but I felt untouchable. I could walk with my head held high, I felt like I could take on anything or at least try.
I miss that.
I’m very low. I don’t want to call it sad but it’s easier for me to get sad. I don’t want to become depressed. I’m closer to that now than I have been over the past 6 years.
I’m not me.
I need to start getting ready for work and stuff. I would like to straighten my hair and I’m running out of time fr it to dry on it’s own (less frizz).