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How To Have Sex With A Survivor
Many individuals who have been victims of sexual violence can find sex with their partner or future partners very difficult. The partners of these individuals usually do not know how to approach those they love on the issue of sex. This can cause stress in the relationship for both individuals. Here is a great guide as to how to have sex with a survivor of sexual violence posted by the dopest ethiopienne originally posted by festering femme
(This is of course not a universal guide)
how to have sex with a survivor
- don’t expect it of us. like, this is a given, absolutely, but between partners with varying experiences and sex drives… this has been a constant struggle for me in relationships. every person i’ve been in a relationship with could never fully reconcile that sex and a relationship were not inherently tied. our relationship did not give them a pass to intimacy. my lack of desire for intimacy for stretches of time would, to them, signify a failed relationship. that impression on their part in turn made me feel like a failure. that fucks up relationships. that fucked me up. whether or not you are a survivor, sex should never be expected of you. ever. and someone who believes they deserve that from you under any circumstances is a piece of shit.
- on that note, don’t plan sex. partners of mine have often tried to be seductive in saying things like, “i can’t wait to do this to you later tonight…” but, to me, that simply meant that it became an obligation for me. that made sex an obligation. and, therefore, it made sex undesirable. i would feel this pressure to perform for them rather than to engage in sex for my own pleasure and it became this thing where i would attempt to start for them but i could never fully commit because i felt pressured. not to say this is what my partner was intending. at all. but it affected me negatively.
- don’t make our kinks about our sexual trauma. yeah, me, personally? i really like being choked. a lot. but don’t ruin the pleasure of that by tying it into my trauma. is it your place to figure out the source of my kinks or is it your role as my partner to realize pleasure with me? we both know the answer to that. don’t “figure out” how your partner has been affected by their sexual trauma. what does your curiosity have to gain except for the make your partner feel dissected? partners have done that to me, and all it did was make me feel like personality was compartmentalized into pre- and post-rape.
- validate us outside of our sex life. i have long felt that my worth is perceived by others as purely sexual, and this was horribly exacerbated by my assault. while i love feeling desired by my partners, if that is heavily emphasized over the other aspects of our relationship, i will withdraw. i will resent them for seeing my purely in that light, and i will often be triggered. even when having casual sex, or sex in any capacity without a committed relationship, respect is key. making me feel like a whole, full human rather than only your sex partner is vital to my comfort and feeling of safety.
- use a safe word. it can be as simple as “wait.” it doesn’t matter what the word is. its function is purely to remind us that we hold power over our sexual interactions and it will always stop if we want or need it to. when i begin the spiral and feel like sex is becoming less mine and purely yours, having a word to center us and bring us back together and to affirm my own control makes a world of difference.
Mercy and Control
Watching part 2 of The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive and I’m getting aggravated.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good documentary but Mr. Stephen Fry is a follower of the medical model and for those of you who have been following me for a bit you know that I am not (at least not fully or in all cases).
I find it difficult to listen to an awareness documentary that keeps talking about mental illness as, well, an illness. Let me explain first. I found Fry and the people he interviewed to to be of the belief that they are at the mercy of bipolar disorder, that they have no control. They have as much control over their manic depression as I would over my cold.
I can’t live thinking that, not anymore.
I am fully aware that many of you will probably disagree with me but I’m not denying that we can’t at times have our asses handed to us by whatever is going on inside us.
I was at the mercy of my mind every time I self harmed, when I attempted suicide, when I physically hurt others, when I was in a rage. I can admit that and it is scary.
You still will never hear me say, “Oh, that was my illness.” That could be because I see whatever is going on with me as being something I can have power over. If it is in me then I can manipulate it.
When I have a cold I can drink more water, rest, take medicine and eat healthier. Same goes with my mind. I can read self help books, talk with friends and professionals, I can engage in self care and do anything else that tickles my fancy. I had to work up to this though because of course when you first experience horrible moods and destructive behaviours you have no idea what’s going on or what to do and it is so easy to get swept up in it. Most times it’s easier to stay swept up in it all.
I know there are some of you who follow me that will not relate to what I’m saying. Having control is next to impossible. I respect you for what you are doing to take your life to the next level of functioning. Some of you have experiences that I can’t imagine having and you are still here. This makes you strong and that is something you did because you wanted to. 
That’s your power 
I don’t know if any of this came out the way I wanted it to. I felt upset because I like having control and don’t want people thinking that because I have been labelled with a mental health issue that I am not in control of myself. I don’t want that. That’s all I really wanted to say.
Bitch Bad
Lupe Fiasco’s song “Bitch Bad” looks at how mainstream hip hop and society use the term “bitch”.
“Bitch” is yet another word that can be demeaning and empowering. Women especially seem to be able to to be an empowered bitch and then a mean bitch.
Here’s the video!
For me, “bitch” has been both good and bad. I can own being a “bitch” but I fully recognize that “bitch” is another word that places blame on women and girls. It is a female word, originally (and still is) the term for a female dog. We even use “bitch” to demean a man by say that he is “acting like a woman”.
What do you all this of this video and it’s message?
“Beautiful” (Music Post)
When I was deep in my depression I would try and listen to this song and feel empowered. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. I always feel great when I listen to this song now! It came on my Ipod today while I was putting my face on and thought I would share it with you all Enjoy!
Beautiful by Social Code
People always try and put me down
But I, I don’t ever give a fuck what people say
I try and listen to the voice inside my head
I try, I try, I try
[Chorus]
I feel so beautiful today
babababababadaba
You’re just so typical
You can’t break me
I’m not ever gonna fall in line
cause I, I don’t wanna be another plastic mind
I try to listen to the voice inside my head
I try, I try, I try
[Chorus 2x]
I feel so beautiful today
babababababadaba
You’re just so typical
You can’t break me
I feel so beautiful today
babababababadaba
You’re just so typical
You can’t break me
You’re just like everybody
Why would I wanna be like you?
1,2,3,4
[Chorus 2x]
I feel so beautiful today
babababababadaba
You’re just so typical
You can’t break me
I feel so beautiful today
babababababadaba
You’re just so typical
You can’t break me (bababababababababa)
A Patient Contract
I found this on Psychology Today and thought it was great! This is something we need in mental health and all healthcare! You can print this contract out and have your doctor sign it!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/owning-pink/201204/patient-contract
Imagine if you and your doctor signed a contract like this:
As patient and doctor, you and I are entering into a partnership. As such—and with all due respect—I’d like to clarify a few things about the terms of this partnership and how I hope we can work together with the mutual goal of my whole health and healing.
My Voice Matters
I agree to speak up and use the voice of my intuition and my own self-healing knowledge. I understand that you are not giving orders, but rather you are giving advice based on your knowledge, training, and intuition. Both of our voices are equally important if we are to be partners. I am not here to be “fixed” because I am not broken. I am here to be supported, guided, and given the tools to support my own healing process.
I Can Heal Myself
Just as my arm can knit and heal when it breaks, the rest of me is capable of self-healing as well. As my doctor you will act as my proverbial plaster cast, but my own self-healing mechanisms will need to do the rest. I fully believe that I already have within me the power to heal myself. When we meet, I will gaze, with love, into the mirror you hold up for me so that I may see what I need in order to optimize my wellness and happiness, so that I may live the most joyous, vibrant, fulfilling, sexy, healthy life possible. Although you will support me, by educating me, giving me choices, answering my questions, and making recommendations, I know that I am here to be the force behind my own healing. You may offer me the tools you have become an expert in providing—drugs, surgeries, and any other treatments you deem helpful, but I understand that I must do the heavy lifting myself.
If I am not ready, willing, or able to be a proactive force in my own healing process, you will be here to nurture and support me, but I understand that the process will be less powerful, with less dramatic results.
You Won’t Blame Me & I Won’t Blame Myself
You will not blame me for being sick, depressed, or otherwise in need of healing. If I did bring this upon myself, you will treat me with compassion, not judgment. During this process I will not blame myself either, even if my body decided that the only way to get my attention was via this health condition. I vow to be kind, loving, and nonjudgmental with myself, as well. I will simply accept my body’s wisdom with compassion and love and try my best to listen when it whispers.
I also realize that you’re not suggesting that every illness or problem will be cured, either by my hands or yours. We both know that healing and curing are different, and that one can happen without the other. Although our goal will always be to achieve both, we will both understand that we must set goals, but release attachment to outcomes and surrender to Divine will. In this very surrender, healing lies.
We Are Equals
Although you spent many years training to earn the right to be my doctor, you are not “better” than me, and as such, you will treat me as a cherished equal. I’m the one living with my health conditions, and no one knows my body better than I do. If I come to you after accessing Doctor Google, you will listen to my intuition regarding what I think may be in need of healing. In order for our partnership to be successful, we must—absolutely must—respect each other. I will not put you on a pedestal, and you will not look down upon me. When possible, you will make every attempt to speak to me when we are both dressed, and you will only leave me naked and feeling vulnerable in the brief moments when you need to examine me.
You accept that your time is not more valuable than mine. You will make every attempt to avoid making me wait for my appointment, and I will not be late. When we spend time together, you will focus your full attention on me, and I on you.
Please, Don’t Forget That Love Heals
If you have to share something with me that might make me scared, please do it with compassion. If you have to tell me I have cancer, or my baby died, I’d love for you to give me a hug and tell me that you’re here with me. Patients like me need to feel we’re not alone. If that feels uncomfortable for you, at least offer me kind words to reassure me that we’re in this together.
Trust My Intuition
You will call upon your knowledge, experience, and resources to offer me recommendations for preventative care, diagnostic workups, and treatment plans, but you will also invite me to listen to the intuition of my healing inner wisdom, my body, and my soul. You’ll understand that the reason I visit Doctor Google is to garner knowledge about my illness and to tap into that knowledge to see what might fit with my intuition. I do this not because I don’t trust you, but because it’s the only way I feel empowered.
You will offer me your best guidance based on your expertise, and you will explain why you make the recommendations you do, but you will always respect my autonomy, without judgment. You will not take it personally if I question you. If I choose not to follow your advice, we will negotiate another plan that resonates with my intuition. In exchange, I agree to follow through on any treatment plan we agree upon. If our treatment plan does not resonate with my body’s wisdom, or if I have financial constraints, I will tell you so that we can modify our plan. Follow through is key. We must walk this path together in order to manifest the results I know we can achieve together.
Ultimately, the choices for how we proceed will always be a compromise between my intuition and yours. If you are unable to provide the care I need or desire, you will release me to follow my heart or find another provider without taking it personally. I will understand if our current medical-legal climate makes you cover your ass sometimes, and I won’t take it personally.
You Believe In Me
You believe in my capacity to heal from any illness, trauma, or loss, even if other doctors have deemed me “incurable.” As such, you will never view me as hopeless or broken. You will tell it to me straight so I understand science and statistics, but you will never tell me hope is gone, because miracles happen, and I have the power to enable them.
We Must Be Honest With Each Other
We have to be open and tell the truth, even if it is painful or uncomfortable. You will promise me confidentiality, and I promise to tell you anything you need to know in order to provide the best medical care possible. We must trust that we are safe together, so we can explore things that may be tough to explore. We must open our hearts to the loving kindness and compassion that is a necessary part of any healing relationship.
You Are Only Human
As your patient, I will understand that you, like me, are a mere mortal, prone to mistakes, flaws, insecurities, ego, fatigue, tears, and distractions in your personal life. I will not put you on a pedestal, and I will cut you some slack if you’re less than perfect, just as you will do with me. If you let me down, I will tell you gently, rather than bottling it up and storing it as resentment against you. In return, you will share with me how you feel about our relationship. If at any point, one of us cannot meet the other’s needs, we are free to dissolve this relationship at any time with loving kindness and compassion. You’re Doing The Best You Can, And So Am I.
As patient and doctor, we agree to accept that we’re both doing the best we can at any given time, and we won’t always get it right. We commit to open communication, mutual respect, a belief in the infinite capacity for whole health and healing, and a dedication to cherishing the process and viewing health issues as an opportunity to seek higher ground.
We acknowledge that, between you and me, anything is possible.
Are you on board? If so, sign here.
X marks the spot,
Your Patient Read the rest of this entry
Recovery Issues
I’ve never really identified as “recovered”.
I’ve had bad experiences with the word.
I have a feeling I’ve possibly, for the sake of argument, said in here or to other people that I have recovered from my mental health issues. This was not told to me by a psychiatrist. The last one I spoke to, about 4 years ago, told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I have decided that I am “recovered” because I am the one that truly knows myself.
I feel that recovery is being a tad skewed by mental health professionals but mostly by society. “Recovered” creates a burden to also be that way. It’s a pressure that I don’t want to be under.
How do you recover? What does recovery look like? Who decides when you’ve recovered? How long should recovery take?
All these questions and more have influenced how I’ve chosen to identify. I overall just identify as myself. It’s an identify that is comfortable for me.
I hate being asked, “how did you recover?” I DON’T KNOW! Really, I don’t. It happened to gradually, it was a large process. It almost doesn’t matter what I did because what has helped me because it possibly, and probably, won’t work for you! And that is fine! That is how it should be.
I feel, thanks to how psych meds are seen, that we completely misunderstand the journey that is supposed to come out of self-improvement. We are all searching for that quick fix and when we can’t find it we become discouraged and give up. Improving yourself is supposed to difficult, it’s supposed to be a process. If it was easy then I would doubt its long term effectiveness.
What scares me the most about saying “I am recovered” is what happens when I fail? I find myself in the midst of breakdowns yelling at myself in my head for not being the perfect recovered person I have felt the pressure to be! I become worried that since I can’t keep myself together all the time that I’m not the right person to be doing my work in mental health. I know that all of this is wrong. I know that no one can keep everything together at all times but I still can’t help but picture people seeing me at my lowest saying, “You’re not recovered! You’re still crazy.”
This is the wrong attitude to have and it sets me back in that moment. Accepting the bad and that the bad will happen is apart of being ok with myself.
So, I prefer to set my own rules. This way I set the expectations and I only need to please myself. I can be the only one to determines my happiness in my life.
Recovery should not be a one size fits all. We may have the same diagnosis but we are not the same people and we need to have full control over how we chose to improve ourselves. Only we can determine when we’ve reached that comfortable time in our life where we can say “yes, I’m ok” with a smile on your face.
