A Friend I Don’t Need

I am a “bitch” and a “control woman”.

That is what a male “friend” called me moments ago while I tried to explain that Judaism is not a race but a religion therefore what he has said was not racist.

Race: (noun) Each of the major divisions of humankind, having distinct physical characteristics. 

Judaism: the religion, philosophy and way of life of the Jewish people.

(I acknowledge that race makes up more then skin colour, it is complex and I always resort to self identification at all times)

He told me that Judaism is somewhat like a race and I continued to say that it was a religion. When I felt myself stumbling over words because I was getting angry (“I know it’s a religion,” he said, well then why do you think it’s a race?) I told him I had to go (this was via text). He told me not to be a bitch and said “peace”. Up until that point I had tried not to swear, not to be angry because I understand why people think religions such as Judaism, Muslim and Islam are races due to how deeply rooted into a person’s identity they are. We also tend to refer to those three groups of people by their religion the same way I would identify as White. But the simple fact is that Judaism IS NOT a race. You can have a race of people mostly participate in Judaism but that doesn’t change that Judaism is a religion.

He tried to tell me that race constitutes people that have similar features which is what made his comment racist, to which I responded that women have similar features but to say something about them isn’t racist, it’s sexist.

He told me that I am condescending when I think I am right. I said that I was trying to share with him what I was taught (I am the one that has studied race and oppression for the past 5-ish years). He said that I could have said that instead of “jabbering” away. So, my swear-free explanation of how Judaism is not a race was just jabbering? Then how was I supposed to communicate what I saying? Clearly, proving him wrong constitutes as “jabbering”.

It is safe to say that I have no interest in speaking with this “friend” for quiet some time. I find this conversation offends me as an intelligent woman and as someone with anger issues.

To be called a “bitch” and a “control woman” for voicing what I have been taught is true I feel is getting into sexist territory. If one of his male friends had, had a this conversation would he have called them a dick or control man? I highly doubt it.

To be called a “bitch” and a “control woman” for voicing what I have been taught is true makes me angry because I feel like this conversation keeps pushing the idea that I can never be correct in my knowledge and that no matter how much I think I am handling a situation well there are still people out there who think otherwise. (This seems to be an issue with men that I have)

It’s not a loss to not have someone in my life who thinks this about me when we try to share information and disagree.

Sources:

Race definition: Google

Judaism: Wikipedia

An Old Friend Response To My 10 Months Self Harm Free

Talk of self harm

Context: 10 Months

This friend was there when I first started self harming in gr. 8 and continued to be there until she left our high school in gr. 10. She was a supportive friend and didn’t stop being my friend although many did leave because I was self harming.

“Hey I read your blog about 10 months self harm free. Even though you may have self harmed in jan and feb. you have to remember how far you have come. Don’t beat yourself up about what you did, be proud of yourself for who you have become since then. Everyone slips once in a while but look how many times you haven’t may have felt like you needed to and didn’t. This only makes you human! Try to keep your head up. Your a beautiful person. Don’t forget that!”

Thank you.

I still feel trapped by my self harm. I feel like I will never be seen as not being mentally ill until I completely stop the behaviour…

but…

I should not underestimate myself. There was one time I had 69 cuts on one section of my leg. I self harmed daily and with no control and feeling. Now, if I self harm, it’s once a month and rarely over 3 cuts. I have control and feeling.

That’s progress.

Thought #10: I Love Supportive “Friends”

Thought: I’m getting sick so I’ll write a thought instead of the post I was going to. I randomly remembered yesterday something my some of my friends would do in the beginning months of my self harming. I remember sitting in my friend’s bedroom and she had seen fresh cuts. She was angry so she grabbed body spray from her dresser and sprayed it onto my cuts. As the perfumed spray hit my wounds it burned. I said “ow” and pulled my arm close to me. She angrily said, “Good! You deserve it.” I think this happened a few more times after. Was I supposed to learn something from this? All I learned was that my friends didn’t understand, that they didn’t care (or cared in the wrong way), and all that just made me feel worse. I’ve never been one to be negatively motivated.