How is Funding Like Unicorns?

Because you never seem to find it!

 

The Madvocates did not receive funding yet again. We have been trying for about 2 or 3 years or so to get funding to begin our research.

It’s very strange because the organizations tell us how amazing our project is and how it’s important but the money never seems to come.

How can support and praise lead to nothing?

Could it be sanism?! Not actually wanting to fund a project on mental health? It’s starting to look that way.

Overcoming Stigma More Important Than Funding

The Huffington Post posted an article on Canada’s mental health strategy. The federal Health Minister, Leona Aglukkaq (who is also aboriginal), said, “The first step is to get past the stigma and get people talking about mental health to determine better what kinds of services we can provide.” She believes that stigma needs to be tackled first and then services can come.

If no one is talking then how can the government and/or organizations know what needs to be changed, added or created to improve mental health services?

More money also does not mean better care (learned that in Overtreated by Shannon Brownlee). For the most part I think the province needs to use the money it is given towards improving mental healthcare and make it more of a priority. Instead of investing the money in crappy services, start supporting organizations that provide better service!

I’ve been bothered by the fact that we’ve been fed that the way to end stigma is by having services but if people are too ashamed to seek those services then they don’t matter.

I also feel that it doesn’t actually tackle mental health stigma because the services are almost saying “you tackle stigma by making these people as normal as possible.” Which is the right answer.

Access to quality service is apart of the puzzle but we need to start looking at mental health from a holistic perspective.

From my experience, mental health services were only beneficial for as long as I was in the building. As soon as I left the office I was back in the world that couldn’t understand me and worse, didn’t want to understand me. Society needs to get better with me.

What good are these services if I don’t have the support of family, friends, co workers, employers and peers? I can bust my ass off but if others can’t see past this ONE part of me then I will only go so far. That sucks.

We can make the change.

Thought #11: Finally!

Thought: I finally heard back from Planned Parenthood Toronto and will be seeing a social worker on Saturdays! That was about 6 months of waiting! I had been told that the usually wait was 5 months but was informed during the phone call (when I said “oh yay finally!”) that the list had grown since my name had been added to it. Because the list is longer than usual Planned Parenthood is offering counselling biweekly instead of weekly. I understand the need to do so and for me biweekly is fine when a peer support group I’m apart of is starting up again and on a weekly basis. For other people this may not be ok. I wish the funds were available so that more young people could be served the way they need to be. 

What’s it Like to Be An Adult Who Self Harms

I am turning 23 next month. I am classified as a young adult but I feel closer to a teenager than anything. All my memories are in those years so it makes sense that I would still identify with teens more than with adults.

I want to stop cutting. I’m saying that in my “right” mind, so my calm mind, the one that doesn’t make everything a disaster but is able to focus and process.

For too long I’ve been saying “I’m not as bad as I used to be” which I’m beginning to see as almost permission to harm myself as long as it’s not bad. What is bad? Bad for me is deep, it’s the number of times, the number of days, the location, and if I’m slow to recover from it. So as long as it’s only once a month, just a few cuts, in a hidden location and I can shrug it off then I’m ok? No.

I am still proud of how far I have come but I need to start taking it all the way.

I’m hitting a road block though and so far I can only determine that it’s because of my age. I try to find services but I’m too old. I try to find groups and I’m either too old or I can’t find the groups. I try to find workbooks and they’re mostly geared towards teens, if they are workbooks at all. I want to share my knowledge in the form of participating in research but I’m too old.

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure

Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from DBT and Other Treatments (this one is at a library near me so I’m going to check it out)

Where is the help for adults who have been cutting for almost half their life?!?!?!?!?

It seems like only now that I’ve “phased” out from youth services that all these beneficial treatments are popping up for youth. A lot of money is being given to fund and develop child and youth mental health services.

Government of Canada announces funding for Ontario projects that support positive mental health (last year)

Harper Government Invests to Improve Access to Mental Health Services for Children and Youth (this year)

Where was this money when I needed it?

I am happy that, at least on paper, things for children and youth look as if they’ll turn around. I don’t want any young person to have to experience something similar to what I experienced but there are a lot of adults, myself included, that were the youth that at one point needed help and didn’t get it or didn’t get the same quality.

I know that there are self harm resources out there…..for youth….Looking back my self harm was never really addressed in therapy. It always seemed to come secondary to my sadness which was eventually labeled as chronic depression. I do recognize  that as I grew older, respected myself, got rid of horrible friends and learned better coping skills I was able to decrease my cutting. This isn’t enough!

I think self harm for me was the cause of all my shit. This wasn’t just a negative coping technique it became a physical, biological response to stress. I would in a sense crave it the same way someone who has quit smoking may crave a cigarette in times of stress. It’s the hard wiring that self harm has done in my brain that I need to get rid of.

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know where to go. I sort of don’t want to do it on my own but where are the adult self harming services?

I want to let go of this behaviour that I highly associate with being a teenager. I guess this is a sign that adults shouldn’t be self harming? I wish it had magically clicked off in my head when I turned 18 and I never had to deal with it again.

 

Dying To Get In

Bell can run their campaign. Everyone can run their campaigns to reduce stigma around mental illness in the hope of encouraging people to seek treatment but these campaigns mean shit all when the treatment these organizations are telling us too seek are so difficult to get into.

If you have the cash, great, yay for you, go into the private sector where they can basically see you the day you call. But considering individuals with mental health issues usually on the low income level of the scale of wealth (like myself) the private sector is not an option. It’s doesn’t even enter my mind as an option. We need to use the public sector.

I work in the public sector and I owe a lot to the public sector but the wait lists that come along with it can be deadly. I spent about 3 years in public mental health outpatient care and how I got in so quickly was by attempting suicide. I didn’t know this would bump me to the front of the line but it did. Before the attempt I was told I may have to wait 6 months.

On some level I do agree with priority but I also know that just because I’m doing ok when I call to be put on the waiting list doesn’t mean that I’ll be remain that way until you call to give me an appointment. There is a risk when you are on a wait list that you may fully fall between the cracks.

When I knew I wasn’t at risk for a suicide attempt the longest I had to wait to get an appointment was 3 months. It is the wait list length that encouraged me to stay in therapy for long periods of time. I didn’t want to have to wait again!

When my relationship was starting to fall apart about a year and a half ago I found CAMH’s new Borderline Clinic. I knew I was going to have to wait but I strongly felt like I couldn’t. I felt that if I didn’t get in, fix myself and fix my relationship then my life was going to fall apart! I spent a week or two thinking of ways that I could get myself in the hospital but not die. It was a very stupid plan and I’m glad I pushed it out of mind!

It’s a major flaw in the system when people need to think about damaging themselves to get into a program to help them get better.

I found out in December that the wait list for that program is 2 YEARS! The longest wait list I’ve ever heard!

I’m currently waiting to hear back from Planned Parenthood about when my appointment is to see their social worker. I was told it could take up to 5 months and I’ve been waiting for almost 3 months. They operate off of first come first serve instead of priority.

How to solve the wait list problem? Funding! We need more funding to mental health services! If you want to help with stigma, help by providing accessible services! When we call for a service it’s because we need it now! Not 6 month from now! Money should not mean you get into a service sooner or that you get better service! We need to put everyone first because everyone’s recovery is important in creating a happy and healthy society.