I Don’t Know Why I Do It

Talk of self harm, suicide and other depressing issues

Found this on a piece of paper in a box of notes in my closet. Some point in high school, possibly early grade 11.

I don’t know why I do what I. I hate it when people ask me why. I don’t know the answer. I do it when I get angry. And then just because, like it becomes natural. I do it whether I want to or not. It’s something I don’t understand. When I think I have things figured out something, whether it’s me or someone else, always screws it up. It might be something in my brain, like a personality disorder, that’s fucking me up like this? I hope so. It makes me scared.

Why did I let him get to me like this? Why did I love him in the first place? He was the only one that accepted me? I don’t believe that anymore. I just had to carve your name in my arm! I just had to show you something I knew you wouldn’t see! I can’t blame you, I made this myself. A scarred monster. Can’t even hold a sharp object without wanting to stab myself. I’m scared to be alone. I never know what I’m going to do.

I care too much about my friends and way too little about myself. I’d die for them. They wouldn’t do anything close to that for me. Most of the time I think they’re afraid of me. My friends hate me. I can’t please. If they read this they’d probably say it was bullshit and secretly say I want attention. But I’m not like that. What I feel is real. I hear some of them say they wanna cut. They have no idea what it does to me. They make it sound so easy, so stupid. Like an excuse in a way. It’s not! I thought I could stop but I can’t. They can’t either! It makes me sick to hear them tell me they want to cut. After all the hell I’ve gone through, after all the shit they’ve said to me, how could they go and do it??!!

Maybe I’m not that fucked up? No, I am. People piss me off! They think they know everything. Especially the ones that “care” about me. As usual I’m right. Am I supposed to feel guilty about what I did? Yes! But I don’t. “S” is probably gonna talk about me. “H” was crying. All because I cut. I should be sorry but I’m too hurt. To betrayed because they’re to mad to see what I’m going through! I wont suffer to make them happy! I can see why my friends would be mad but at the same time I don’t. I cut because I was hurting, I was in pain. I don’t need more hurt from my friends. Some of them have done it too. I showed them sympathy. ALL I GET IS FUCKING ANGER!! I should ditch my friends, get a new life. End this useless one. Maybe then they’ll see what they’ve put me through and how much it hurt me.

Don’t fucking say I’m not depressed, that I just think I am! I am lower than low. Zero self esteem. It makes me upset to hear you say that what I feel is fake You can’t feel what I feel just like I can’t feel what you feel. I’m planning it out now, a 7 day countdown. I’ll overdose on pills unless things get straightened out. I always say I’m gonna murder someone, well this will be my only murder. First and last. ”H” says that I have to do it by myself. I’m alone, no more help from my friends. How can something hurt you more then it hurts me? Maybe things have cleared up but I feel left out more then ever. Every so often I do wanna kill myself because I don’t see a reason for me to live; I’m going to be alone. 

I will try to stop. I promise. I’ll try and if I do cut again you wont know. I know it’s my fault but so is everything else. I don’t wanna stop for myself. I’m not worth that. I’ll stop for my friends because they’re worth it. i don’t see why though. Sometimes they could be the reason I cut. I know sometimes when I say I wanna kill myself it’s talk. But this time I know I could do it! I’ve lost the will to live, to do anything. I’m already dead. 

What I’m feeling is really how I feel! I’m not a fucking poser like “C” says I am. It’s not for attention you asshole! I’m not pretending! I wouldn’t put myself through this hell or put my friends through it if it wasn’t real. Even though “M” says he’s here for me I want my friends, my girls. I need them more then they know! I don’t need someone telling me to stop but at the same time saying it’s ok if I can’t. I want people to agree with me but at the same time I don’t. Who knows, this could be my suicide note…

30 Day Challenge- Day 22

Day 22: Your academics

I graduated from elementary school (grade 8) in 2003. No honors or awards. I’m average. People did think I would get the English Award and the Citizenship Award….and I should have.

I graduated from high school (gr. 12) in 2007. Again, no honors or awards but I did get a recognition of receiving extra credits in the Arts

I graduated from Ryerson University with my Bachelor of Social Work in 2011. Again….no honors or awards but 4th year was my best year with  5 A’s and 1 B! I would have received honors if they saw the amazing improvement I’d made!

It’s not really “academic” but I am certified in First Aid, CPR and AED.

I also have training in inclusion programming and High 5.

I’m hoping to eventually make my way back to university for my Masters in something or a certificate program.

 

 

The Stand Up Kristen

I love Time to Change! They are a mental health awareness organization that reminds me further as to why I should be living in the UK and not in Canada.

I wish Canada could learn from the advertising this organization does because it is brilliant! It combines truth, humor and self reflection in all of its ad campaigns and does so in a completely non-offensive way. They describe themselves as, “England’s most ambitious program to end the stigma and discrimination faced by people who experience mental health problems.” (Time to Change Facebook page) and they truly are.

If Time To Change was a person I would date it!

The ad above is one I stumbled across this morning and it got me thinking about what I would say if I was The Stand Up Kid. What would I have said to my classmates when I was in high school?

Well, let’s see….

(I’m 16 years old, I’m in one of my classes, doesn’t really matter which one cause they were all full of mean people, and I stand on my chair. Everyone looks at me.)

I know what you all think of me. I’ve heard the names you call me.

Moi!
December 2006, Age 17

I have depression. Why is that funny? Why is that something to gossip about?

If you don’t understand that’s fine but please don’t be mean to me.

I’ve watched you all walk by me and offer no kind words. I really need kind words sometimes.

Sometimes my morning consists of me not being able to get out of bed, so I lay there.

Sometimes my morning consists of me getting out of bed, putting my make up on and coming to school but I wish I was laying in my bed.

I do my best. Did you know that? I don’t care if you like me, well I do but for the sake of this speech no I don’t, but please don’t be mean. I don’t like some of you but I’m not mean to you.

I have depression but I’m still a person. I would like some respect. I will respect you.

 

How Far We’ve Come

I’ve applied for a volunteer position with a program called Stop the Stigma through the Toronto District School Board. 

The fact that a school board has a program dedicated to talking about mental health is blowing my mind!

I completed high school about 5 years ago and let me tell you, you NEVER had anything close to this program!

We never even talked about mental health in my high school!

Drew Carey

My school’s participation in mental health awareness consisted of one or two slides that would show on tv’s throughout the school (these tv’s told us when class began and ended and displayed announcements). The slide that I remember listed famous people who had depression or bipolar (because you know, they are the only two mental disorders….). Drew Carey was on that list. I remember thinking, “I’m so glad everyone knows that Drew Carey has depression but everyone is still making fun of me!”

There was no discussion! Showing a slide does nothing! Stop the Stigma gets the school and students involved in talking about mental health!

I’m happy and upset about this. I wish I had, had a program like this in my high school. I believe it would have made a difference in my life and the lives of those who hated me for being depressed. I am happy because I’d rather late then never.

I just can’t believe how youth mental health went from nothing to everything.

When I Didn’t Know It Was Stigma…(Trigger Warning and Profanity)

Me around 15 years old.

I didn’t know about mental health stigma when I was younger. I faced a lot of anger from my friends, peers and family but didn’t know it was a part of a bigger picture.

Here are parts of an MSN conversation (I’m translating it from teen online language) between a friend and I in January 2005. I am 15 years old, I had been cutting for about 2 years and have not yet been diagnosed with chronic depression.

This friend had told our group that she was throwing up her food and not taking the medication she needed to survive. I confronted her.

Me: You would have fucking died if you did that…

Friend: But see, I knew how to stop. That’s something you never knew how to do.

Friend: Thanks for trying to tell me about my sickness though.

Friend: Appreciate it.

Friend: I think I know a little more than you do about it Kristen.

Me: Stop fucking talking about mine! You know nothing about this shit!

Friend: Ha ha, yeah I only dealt with it for 3 years

Friend: I know nothing?

Friend: I only tried to stop you for 3 years.

(Note: It’s interesting how she can know about my illness but I can’t know anything about hers even though we’d known each other for the same amount of time…????)

Me: You never apologize for stuff you say that isn’t true.

Friend: Yeah I do.

Friend: To people I care about.

Me: Oh ok that makes sense….So all that shit about my counselling, saying you cared about me….Oh my god a lie!

Friend: No that was true till I found out you were hopeless.

Friend: Then I knew I was just wasting my time.

Me: Aww thanks…..I always knew I was fucking hopeless….that’s why I’m happy right?

Friend: Happy? Because you fuck guys and smoke?

Friend: Good life!

Friend: Happy? Ha ha….your definition of happy hasn’t always been right.

Me: At least its happy.

Friend: In all the wrong ways.

Me: Sorry for fucking my boyfriend.

Friend: At 15.

Friend: Yeah good one.

Me: Sorry for trying to quit cutting by smoking. At least I tried to quit.

Friend: And you failed. 

Friend: Because smoking is a great habit it…

Me: And after I stop cutting I’m quitting that…and at least I quit pot.

Friend: You shouldn’t have even did it!

Me: You always need to cut people down to make yourself feel better! You’ve always been like that.

Friend: Never mind quitting, you shouldn’t have even started!

Friend:I am fine about myself.

Me: Well I did but at least I stopped it (smoking pot)

Friend: I love my life,

Friend: my friends, my family. 

Me: And I love mine

Friend: and I don’t need to smoke to do it.

At the time…I did.

Friend: Or get high,

Friend: slice myself

Friend: You can quit anything if you really, really wanted to, to make yourself happy! But you’ve never been strong enough to do that.

Friend: And then when people tried to help you,

Friend: You shot them down and went crazy saying all people do is nag!

Friend: You can never win with you.

Me: I know you’re right. It has been a challenge for me to quit but how can I when all you do is make fun of me and make me feel worse? Basically telling me that my life is shitty and pointless then you fucking try to tell me that there’s nothing wrong with it?

Friend: Ok, ha ha, whatever, I don’t care. Everything I say to you goes through one ear and out the other. There is no hope in talking to you.

 (Note: I had only had sex with 2 guys at this point, both boyfriends. My first “long-term” boyfriend was in grade 9, we were a year a part. At this time, because I looked it up, Canada’s average age for first having sex was 16 years old. This friend would later on the rare occasion smoke pot which would mean she smokes more pot than I do currently because I don’t smoke any. I quit smoking, 2 years ago, before I would quit cutting.)

Me: It’s not like you ever fucking listened to me anyway! You never even knew the whole reason why I cut. You were always to busy crying about your own sad pathetic life!!

(Note: This friend would always tell me how her life was worse than mine which she felt was enough reason to make me stopping cutting and being depressed. If I kept cutting, and I did, then I was selfish and attention seeking.)

I am not friends with this girl anymore.

I would like to think this MSN conversation speaks for itself. We cannot have this attitude and expect healing.

Last night I was once again participating in a live chat on TVO’s The Agenda. They were talking about depression (the causes, treatments etc) and one of the producers of the show in the chat said that people must want to be upset about life instead of having optimism, trust and hope. I responded trying to explain that’s not a matter of “want” it’s a matter of “can’t”. How can you be optimistic, have trust or be hopeful when people hate you?

WHERE IN THIS MESS WAS I SUPPOSED TO STOP AND  THINK I WAS MEANT TO BE ALIVE? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK I COULD OPEN UP ABOUT MYSELF AND BE SAFE!?!? AT WANT POINT WAS I SUPPOSED TO TAKE PRIDE IN MY LIFE AND WHO I WAS AS A PERSON?! EVERYTHING I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF WAS FUCKING CONFIRMED BY THOSE AROUND ME!!!!!!  THIS WAS FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL FOR ME!

I’m a little bit resentful to hear that Ontario high schools are now actively involved in mental health days/weeks. They are talking about mental health stigma in ways they never did when I was in high school! Talking about it is more than my high school ever did! The only thing I remember about mental health “awareness” in my high school was a slide, one slide, on celebrities who had mental health issues that would play on TV’s set up in the hallways and classrooms. THAT WAS IT!

“Oh, let’s not hate Kristen because Drew Carry has depression!”…..I wish it worked like that.

I know I should be happy that the next generations of young people will have a better understand but I’m the youth that got left behind and I need to deal with a system that didn’t care about me when I was a teen and doesn’t care about me now that I’m an adult. I am happy that something is being done now just I still need help to heal the damage that was done.

BPD Awareness Month

Aside from May being the month of my birth it is also BPD awareness month!

I have written already about BPD and my thoughts on it:

• What A Borderline Thinks Of Her Diagnosis
• How Borderline Personality Disorder Possibly Saved My Life
• I Have A Personality Disorder (Supposedly) Part 1
• I Have A Personality Disorder (Supposedly) part 2
• I Have A Personality Disorder (Supposedly) Part 3

BPD awareness needs to be more public. I wish many of the disorder experience the same public treatment as depression and anxeity currently is in Canada. No one has even a basic understanding of what BPD is and if there is an understanding it is so far off that it’s painful. I occasionally hear “Oh but you’re so nice!” when disclose that I have been diagnosed with BPD. What a surprise it must be to learn that someone with a personality disorder can be nice!? I know it’s a surprise for me to learn that I’m supposed to be mean!

Apparently someone sees the value in talking about BPD in Canada and the discussion will begin in schools next week! (http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/blog/events/launching-school-talk-for-bpd-awareness-month-in-canada-borderline-what/)

I don’t really have much to say that I haven’t already said in the posts listed above except people with BPD are fantastic people!