“I never meant to hurt you so bad /I’m just trying to get over you /I hope you never meant to hurt me so bad /Don’t you feel the same way too” – Hurt You So Bad, Crazy Town
“The morning sunrise seemed to ask me why I tried /To find the strength in people who had never thought about a different way of life /It just doesn’t seem that easy” – I Don’t Know, Lostprophets
“You’ve got to get away./Oh, I get lost in the thought of losing you./You’ve got to get away. /I know it’s a dream but it must be true.” – This Time is the Last Time, Mae
(This Time is the Last Time was my first hopeful song)
Blaine Larsen (Super Trigger Warning)
“How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad /To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all /Is better than the life that you had /How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go /How do you get that lonely… and nobody knows” – How Do You Get That Lonely, Blaine Larson
J and I have started digging up the past. During our last session we started talking about a particular incident that I’ve identified as pivotal. This incident cannot be discussed without discussing an ex-partner. I tried to describe this person to J who I haven’t spoken with or seen (in person at least) in about 5 years. I couldn’t remember the dynamic of our relationship so I told her I would go back through my journals and find out what we were like.
While at work today I just wrote. I wanted to get out what I had read in my journals. I think this sums up our relationship.
He held promise.
Like every boy before him.
He held the promise of a new start, a new me, a normal life.
He made me feel alive, but I think anyone who paid attention to me made me feel that way.
Dating him was like being in a teen movie.
He was the boy who everyone admired, desired, the high achiever, the smooth talker.
He was the one every boy wanted to be and the one every girl wanted to be with.
And he was mine.
And he wanted me.
He called me stupid.
He took me on a picnic with all of my favourite foods.
He called me fat.
He lit a room full of candles and we watched a romantic movie.
He flirted with other girls.
He would buy me sour candy whenever I craved it.
He would ditch me.
He would magically (literally magically) try to chase away my demons.
He would guilt me.
He would clean up my cuts.
Very few knew he wasn’t perfect.
He didn’t support me,
He probably cheated on me,
He said he fell out of love with me.
I hate him.
Thought: I posted in DBT Workbook: Distract Yourself By Leaving that I can’t leave or something messes up my leaving. I left yesterday. I couldn’t handle what was happening and I left (at least for a bit). This should be a victory but it showed me that when I need someone to follow me they won’t. I guess on some level I will always be alone. I can surround myself with great people but who will follow me and see past what a say and find that I’m worth it. Not tolerate me but believe in me. I need more than understanding. I need acceptance. It’s going to be an emotional day.
This post is inspired on what I’m currently experiencing and the blog You Know You’re Borderline When…
I’ve been busy babysitting so I haven’t been able to post longer entries or think about how to phrase what I’m feeling. I’ve just been feeling and it sucks, especially since I noticed I’m developing a habit of not wanting to talk about why I’m upset. I’m content to sit and stew in it and attempt to forget it. I can see now that I’ve spent a lot of time forgetting things I possibly shouldn’t. Forgetting isn’t dealing.
Anyways, the link I posted got me thinking about how I am sometimes overly nice and overly mean.
“You know you’re borderline when your friend tells you her good news and immediately you’re seething with jealousy.” -You Know You’re Borderline When…, March 12, 2012
I am a very empathetic person. I care a lot of people, especially those I am close to. It greatly pains me to see them hurt and I will, most of the time stupidly, take on their pain and make it my own. I want to fix their problems so they can be happy.
Then there is the flip side. From one extreme to the other. I don’t want to call it “jealousy” because I see jealousy as “I don’t want my boyfriend talking to other girls”. I prefer to call it unfairness because when I break it down it always comes back to “why can’t I have that?” This is why I can be very mean and be a “bitch” or “heartless”
The unfairness I feel is usually based around whether or not I have felt fulfilled in that area of my life. I’m not talking little things like “she has clothes I want or he has a job that pays me more.” It’s more like the big life things like love for example.
I have been let down, left behind and treated like crap for too long and I find myself wondering when will I get certain things in my life that I feel I deserve.
This probably sounds selfish and that’s mostly because I’m not prepared to give specific examples which would help make what I’m saying more understandable. I don’t like feeling upset when someone else is happy because I can’t stop thinking “why won’t that happen to me?” or “when will I get to have/do that?”
It’s painful because it comes down to feeling worthless and undeserving. I can usually dance around the issue, have a rant about it, and try to make the situation seem stupid but I’m having trouble doing that this week and allowing the actual core of the problem to stay with me.
If that’s good or bad, I don’t know.