I feel impulsive today. I’m angry and when it’s not the explosive anger it’s the kind that makes me want to be super reckless with myself. I know I will regret anything I do later so I’m lucky that, that is enough to keep my stuck in my house until I have to go to work.
What I find silly is the confidence that comes with my impulses. I guess you need to feel a little “wild” to do something dangerous or inappropriate. It literally makes me feel a tad sexy. I feel like that 16 year old who didn’t give a shit about what she did! I feel like the Kristen that used to have fun and I guess fun does translate into self-destruction but I can overlook that.
Or I could talk about what’s making me angry and impulsive?
So a few months ago, maybe it will be a year in the fall, a friend (who is also an ex-boyfriend and we’ll call B) stopped talking to me at the request of his girlfriend, A. I had learned a week of so before that B hadn’t been telling A that we were hanging out or talking. She was checking his phone and when she would see that I had text him saying “hello” she would start questioning him, wanting to know why I was talking to him. This isn’t just random stupidity on A’s part I guess I could say. She saw a Facebook conversation between the two of us where B told me I looked pretty in my profile picture. I personally see nothing wrong with compliments but A did. Anyways, she sent me a message saying “don’t talk to my boyfriend” blah blah blah. B was texting me at the same time telling me not to tell her the dirt that I have on him. I apologized to her and said I would stop talking to both of them. She thanked me. B said to me that maybe we could be friends again later and I told him to fuck off.
What pains me, aside from losing a friend, is the context around it. I have had many boyfriends that were threatened by the male friends I had and especially the few male friends that were also ex-boyfriends (from short-term relationships). I tried very hard to listen to these idiot boyfriends and told my male friends, B included, repeatedly telling them I couldn’t talk or see them again. I always went behind these boyfriend’s backs though and would eventually end the relationship or be left because we couldn’t agree.
B didn’t do that. He stayed. He’s still not talking to me.
I think I’m more upset that he didn’t give to me what I gave to him. That I know see how important I was and that it was possibly a lie what he would tell me. It shouldn’t be a loss and on most days it’s not. I just want to see him one more time so I can punch him in the face and scream at him.
Being angry/impulsive like this does have a certain power about it that makes me feel great but I am starting to feel the pain because I can’t let it go and I’m fueling it.
I’m starting to blame counselling. I never thought I would. It’s going to make me think about things that I don’t want to and that’s going to be messed up. Hopefully I can do it.
INTERMITTENT ATTACKS OF PSYCHOTIC EPISODES
Please say YES or NO
I have had beliefs that have not been shared by others YES
I think that people don’t like me and are against me NO
People say I misinterpret their behaviour YES
1. Have you experienced any other symptoms of psychosis that have not been mentioned above?
I have never experienced psychosis. I take great issue with the above 3 yes or no questions. To say that I have beliefs that others do not share is just a fact of life and as humans we are sometimes guilty of misinterpretation. This shouldn’t mean psychosis. I do feel that the author of this workbook means “strange” beliefs and “very far off” misinterpretations of behaviour but you would not know this by the wording of the questions.
2. Would you say you have ever experienced paranoid ideation?
No I haven’t.
3. Have you ever felt a bit ‘out of it’ like you are daydreaming or felt like you are just going through the motions or ‘running on automatic’?
Not often. When it does happen it feels very numbing and that’s when I know I’ve reached my max and I need to find a way to calm down.
IMPULSIVE ACTION PATTERNS
Please say YES or NO
I binge eat NO
I have sped fast in cars NO
I have misused illicit drugs YES
I have misused alcohol YES
I have had many casual sexual relationships YES
I overspend and have huge debts NO
I have gambled a lot of money NO
4. Are there any other impulsive behaviours not mentioned that you have experienced?
I used to steal when I wanted something. I don’t know….I don’t really see it as being impulsive. These are all things that I don’t to do, I don’t feel bad for doing and majority was at its peak during my teens. Sex was the “worst” for me and one that I could easily slip back into but I don’t. I think that by having casual sex in the category is impulsive self destructive behaviours is to not acknowledge that sex can be fun and enjoyable with whoever you want, as much as you want.
5. How do these above behaviours help you cope?
Take your mind off things. The drugs and alcohol usually put you in a “fun” atmosphere and changes your brain so you just don’t care (sometimes it doesn’t work or makes it worse). The sex for me was too feel better about myself, so I knew I was worth it but, fuck, just have fun!
Most people are able to control their impulses and delay immediate gratification because they are aware of long term consequences for example:
- weight gain
- unplanned pregnancies
- sexually transmitted diseases
- motor car accidents
- physical fights
- physical conditions, for example, liver problems
- debt collectors
- criminal record
6. Have you suffered from some of the above consequences due to your impulsive behaviour?
Overall I just got in trouble with my parents or friends.
Next: Session 3 Activities Part 4