My Journals (Contains Topics that May be Triggering)

One of my favourite possession are my journals! I have gr.9-present. I used to have grade 7 and 8 but I threw them out because they were full of horrible things! So are these ones but I don’t, I guess I felt it better to get rid of them.

There they are! <3

I realized that one of the best ways for me to remember and explain how I used to see life is through these journals. I further realized that the pictures, words and poems I put inside and outside the journals are maybe even more telling. The quick glimpses are sometimes the best ones.

Gr. 9 Journal Cover (2004)

Gr. 9 Journal Spine (2004)

Gr. 9 Journal Back Cover (2004

Gr. 9 Journal Inside Cover (2004)

Gr. 9 Journal Inside (2004)

Gr. 10 Journal Inside (2004-2005)

Summer Journal (2005)

The Poem 

I have not been abused

Betrayed

Yet I cut myself

And now I wanna do it again

I’ve had it far too good

And now I just feel guilty

And that makes it worse

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

(No idea who wrote that. My citing skills didn’t really exist back then!)

Tuesday June 22, 2004

I made 3 of my knuckles bruise and 1 of the 3 bleed. There’s blood on my mirror.

I think the lonely summer hours are getting to me! Everyone is either gone out or at school! It’s giving me way to much time to think!!!I can’t stop thinking about suicide! I really want to cut myself! I haven’t cut since me and K started going out. That’s almost 1 month and three weeks in 2 days. Another thing I’ve been doing lately is either listening to my music in the dark or listening to my music, while writing depressing stuff with just my lamp on. I’ve also been punching my mirror and walls. I love punching my mirror. It’s obvious why. Glass cuts. I found a blade on top of my TV. I took it. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna use it but I have the same feeling in my stomach. Deep down, the nervous one I’ve felt many times before. 

When you go back and read what you’ve written in the past do you recognize yourself? I don’t. I read through my journals and I can’t imagine that person ever being me. I want to reach through the pages and grab this girl and tell her that her life got better in the hopes that she would believe  me.

Maybe I’ll rewrite more past journal entries since I’m all about being open and not hiding the darkness. I don’t want to forget what it was like to be depressed.