Talk of Self Harm and Strong Emotions
While I was all stressed out reading the first 7 pages of the ACT book I borrowed from the library I began to think.
One thing that was stressing me out was my belief that if I’m not acting out my anger (ie: yelling, screaming, throwing, hurting something) then I will never be able to let people know I am angry. Calm anger sounds stupid to me and makes no sense. If I am calm then how can I be angry?
All this got me thinking about how I have never been adequately able to express to people how I feel.
And so on are all we have to explain to others what is going on inside and they really don’t cut it. This is probably why many of us break out into a long story in real life and in blog form to explain why we had a horrible day. No word seems to cover it.
Very early on I tried to find ways to use emotion and other non-verbal ques to let people know how I was feeling. Crying, binge drinking, self harming, not speaking, twitching, moving quickly, moving slowly and anger; anything to try and show what I couldn’t say.
I created a scene in my mind that still to this day accurately describes how I feel inside.
I crawl into the middle of the street, wrists bleeding, screaming and crying.
Not the best image but it’s all I got to explain. I have never acted it out and I never will.
I did find a song and as always it is Linkin Park. This is the Reanimation version of One Step Closer. At 3:32 is where I found the words (Lyrics below video).
These are the places where I can feel
Torn from my body, my flesh it peels
During this ride, we can cut up what we like
Waiting alone, I cannot resist
Feeling this hate I have never missed
Please someone give me a reason to rip off my face
Blood is a pouring
I’m sorry this post was so morbid. This is probably as morbid as it will get but this ties into sometimes I blogged about months ago. We need to accept that darkness that comes with or various mental health issues. I want people to know it’s there because if they don’t then we’ll be stuck because we have no understanding.
I’ll smile though, use the acceptable words and watch as people nod and believe they can grasp what I’m talking about.