Blog Archives
Songs From My Youth- Part 6
Linkin Park Edition
It’s the whole Hybrid Theory and Meteroa albums but here are a few favourites!
Listen to it LOUD!
“Cut myself free willingly/Stop just what’s killing me/I feel it everyday/I feel I made my way/I feel it swell up inside, swell up inside/Swallowing me”- Part of Me, Linkin Park
“I know I’ve got a face in me/Points out all my mistakes to me/You’ve got a face on the inside too/Your paranoia’s probably worse/I don’t know what set me off first/But I know what I can’t stand/Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is/I can’t add up to what you can”- Papercut, Linkin Park
“There’s something inside me that pulls beneath the surface/Consuming/confusing/This lack of self-control I fear is never ending/Controlling/I can’t seem/ To find myself again”- Crawling, Linkin Park
“I wanna run away/Never say goodbye/I wanna know the truth/Instead of wondering why/I wanna know the answers/No more lies/I wanna shut the door/And open up my mind”- Runaway, Linkin Park
“I remember what they taught to me/Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be/Remember listening to all of that and this again/So I pretended up a person who was fittin’ in/And now you think this person really is me and I’m/(Trying to bend the truth)/But the more I push the more I’m pulling away ’cause I’m/Lying my way from you”-Lying from You, Linkin Park
“I am a little bit insecure a little unconfident/Cause you don’t understand I do what I can but sometimes I don’t make sense/I am what you never wanna say but I’ve never had a doubt/It’s like no matter what I do I can’t convince you for once just to hear me out”- Faint, Linkin Park
“I’ll paint it on the walls/’Cause I’m the one that falls/I’ll never fight again/And this is how it ends”- Breaking the Habit, Linkin Park
(This was my song. Of all the LP songs, Breaking the Habit was one that has touched me in ways no other song had before or has since then. It described my cutting perfectly. At one point my email address was cant_break_the_habit. People would ask me “what habit” and I’d just laugh and say it’s a song. Partially true.)
“And I know/I may end up failing too./But I know/You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.”- Numb, Linkin Park
Failed Expression
Talk of Self Harm and Strong Emotions
While I was all stressed out reading the first 7 pages of the ACT book I borrowed from the library I began to think.
Uh oh!
One thing that was stressing me out was my belief that if I’m not acting out my anger (ie: yelling, screaming, throwing, hurting something) then I will never be able to let people know I am angry. Calm anger sounds stupid to me and makes no sense. If I am calm then how can I be angry?
All this got me thinking about how I have never been adequately able to express to people how I feel.
Words like:
Numb
Anger
Depressed
Pain
Fucked
And so on are all we have to explain to others what is going on inside and they really don’t cut it. This is probably why many of us break out into a long story in real life and in blog form to explain why we had a horrible day. No word seems to cover it.
Very early on I tried to find ways to use emotion and other non-verbal ques to let people know how I was feeling. Crying, binge drinking, self harming, not speaking, twitching, moving quickly, moving slowly and anger; anything to try and show what I couldn’t say.
I created a scene in my mind that still to this day accurately describes how I feel inside.
I crawl into the middle of the street, wrists bleeding, screaming and crying.
Not the best image but it’s all I got to explain. I have never acted it out and I never will.
I did find a song and as always it is Linkin Park. This is the Reanimation version of One Step Closer. At 3:32 is where I found the words (Lyrics below video).
These are the places where I can feel
Torn from my body, my flesh it peels
During this ride, we can cut up what we like
Waiting alone, I cannot resist
Feeling this hate I have never missed
Please someone give me a reason to rip off my face
Blood is a pouring
I’m sorry this post was so morbid. This is probably as morbid as it will get but this ties into sometimes I blogged about months ago. We need to accept that darkness that comes with or various mental health issues. I want people to know it’s there because if they don’t then we’ll be stuck because we have no understanding.
I’ll smile though, use the acceptable words and watch as people nod and believe they can grasp what I’m talking about.
New Linkin Park
New Linkin Park album came out yesterday, Living Things (2012). I personally feel that after Meteora (2004) LP kinda went down. Their sound became a lot softer and while the lyrics stayed amazing I miss the anger in their music. I respect artist growth and development so I’ve always given each album a shot and have found a few of the songs to be good that I’ll add them to my Ipod. No recent album has been as good or better than Hybrid Theory (2000) or Meteora.
Here’s links to lyrics and music for Living Things:
More recent Linkin Park Park albums (Minutues to Midnight, 2006 and A Thousand Suns, 2008) tend to focus more on overcoming (in whatever way) the issues that they were angry about in their first two albums.
My favourite song on Living Things is Lies Greed Misery (Track #4). I like the music for Skin to Bone (Track #9). The lyrics for Roads Untraveled (Track #8) are good.
“Lies Greed Misery”
Sayin’ that I softened
I was duckin’ down to reload
So you can save your petty explanations
I don’t have the patience
Before you even say it I know
You let your pride and your ego
Talk slick to me, no
That is not the way I get down
And look at how you lose your composure
Now let me show you
Exactly how the breaking point sounds
I wanna see you choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
Choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
What is it you want me to tell you
I am not the failure
I would rather live and let be
But you came with the right kind of threat to
Push me to let you
No you can’t intimidate me
You disrespect me so clearly
Now you better hear me
That is not the way it goes down
You did it to yourself and it’s over
Now let me show you
Exactly how the breaking point sounds
I wanna see you choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
Choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
I wanna see you choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
Choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
You did it to yourself [x8]
I wanna see you choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
Choke on your lies
Swallow up your greed
Suffer all alone in your misery
101 Things That Makes Me Happy Part 1
movingtonewyork has been blogging about the 101 things that make her happy! After reading her third part I have decided to do this also! I spend a lot of time analyzing why I’m upset but I need to start thinking about what makes me happy!
This is in no particular order!
101 Things That Make Me Happy
1. Singing
2. Reading/Books
3. My cats
4. Music
5. Blogging
6. Laughing
7. Starbursts
8. Miss Vickie’s Chips
9. Powdered Doughnuts
10. Peer Support
11. Goth Clothing and Accessories
12. Birth Control
13. Sex
14. Babies/Children
15. Journals
16. Making Money
17. My Blackberry
18. Pickles
19. Rainbows
20. lolsotrue.com
21. Having My Picture Taken
22. Hanging Out With Friends
23. Shopping
24.Pants That Fit
25. Being Loved
26. Dancing
27.Organizing
28. The Big Bang Theory
29. Old Linkin Park
Thought #2: Don’t Forget
Thought: I was listening to Linkin Park last night with my Bestie and got a sudden remembrance of what it was like to be experiencing depression. I sang a line from Easier to Run, “It’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb. It’s so much easier to go than face all this pain here all alone.” I remembered how horrible it was to feel like I was going to die hating myself, feeling nothing but everything at the same time, and feeling like I was never going to escape this black hole I was living in. It’s shitty waking up wanting to die every day but being upset that if you did die that day your life had been wasted with pain. I don’t feel this way anymore. For those who do, I hope you can get out of it, and most importantly, know that you can. I didn’t really have positive mental health role models in my life. I was the first person I knew who “recovered” from a mental illness. Now I’m inspired by many men and women who on various levels identify as recovered or well. Find these people! They are a great help!
Everyone should listen to this album! The songs said what I couldn't.
