Chapter 3 (Cinderella 2.0: New Era, Same Old Fairytales) ended with something so thought provoking that my friend (who I’ve borrowed the book from) folded down the page to remember. This is the final paragraph and what I want to answer:
“Despite the transnational social, political, religious, and economic implications of weddings, the idea of marriage is a beautiful (albeit unrealistic) one. And marriage is changing. Gender roles are morphing and access to marriage is slowing changing as well. But instead of pushing for a world where women can get married guilt-free, I think, as women, we need to push ourselves and really thinking about why we want to get married, what is still symbolizes, and how much of what we want is based on what we want versus what the fairytale ideal has taught us to want.” -Outdated, Chapter 3, pg. 83
So, why do I want to get married or why do I not want to get married.
I have always thought I would get married (except in low moments when I hate myself and think I’m not worthy which is a whole different mental health and feminist discussion) and I figured I would do so because that’s what people who are “in love” do. I went for the expected traditions head first but as I’ve gotten a little older, as the idea of marriage becomes more real and the more I’ve read this book I’ve begun to question how important marriage is.
I am lucky to live in a country that recognizes common law partnerships. I do not have to wait for marriages to receive such benefits as my partner’s health insurance. When you tell an institution that you are living in a common law relationship no one bats an eye. When I do not see the “common law spouse/partner” on a form I am usually shocked (this form is forcing me to be “single” and not acknowledging the effort and commitment I have put into my relationship) but this doesn’t happen too often. So again, the question is why would I want to get married?
I think it would come down to the symbolism of the ceremony. I hate symbolism (it taunted me in high school English) because in the case of marriage it’s done to show people something I don’t care if they see and that is long term commitment to my partner. I personally (and Michael and I have talked about this recently) have no problem with not getting married, exchanging rings as a personal sign of commitment and then that’s it. I am not against marriage or weddings but like Outdated has been saying, it is the expectation.
I want kids. That is the pressing matter for me and that is the part of my life I am more excited about. Not being married should not mean I can’t go down that road with my partner free from stares.
In the end I will get married when it is financially possible and I am glad that I explored why or why not this is something I would want to do. Within the ceremony I have already decided on changes that would be more suited to my feminist values.
Some examples: my Father will not give me away, my family will. I will not be introduced at the reception (or at any point) as Mrs. (insert my partners full name)…I will always be me and I don’t even know if I’ll change my last name! I will also have an officiant who marries same-sex couples (which will be easy to find in Ontario).
I now turn it over to you! Readers, why would you want to get married? Why did you get married? Why would you not want to be married? Also share with me any other awesomeness that you may have
Another down moment, well I haven’t really gotten out of the earlier one, just shoved it aside to get myself to believe that it was gone.
I realized this a few years ago and I feel like it just keeps getting more and more confirmed. I’m a great theory.
People seem to have these idea of who I am based off of how I describe myself and then shortly after meeting me after I get comfortable with them, I don’t want to say that I become myself but I become my reserved self. This leads to let downs.
The anger, the sadness, even laziness I guess. It all comes out once I’m comfortable. I can rationalized it out, and it’s most likely the truth, that I don’t certain things anymore because they were outlets for when I was self destruction. They trigger. I hate being triggered.
So I describe myself in these awesome fun ways and I do not deliver and I wish I did. I try to but I’m so afraid of falling back in old bad habits. I can’t find a middle ground, but I haven’t really tried because I’m worried of fucking up trying to find it.
I still have fine self esteem. I know that I am still a good person and well liked but I feel that without a doubt I’ll never get married and have kids. It’s a horrible feeling especially thinking no one will want to share children with me because I need to have them in my life eventually.
I’m too much of a hassle. Who wants a constant hassle in their life? I have no choice but to live with myself but everyone else can choose to leave and I hate them for it. I’m only great for so long.
In theory I’m amazing, I’m everything a man could want until he sees that I’m not. I’m already trying to figure out what I’ll do with myself if I can’t reach those certain goals.
I wish I wasn’t a theory. I’m getting emotional so I can’t really form good sentences right now.