I was going to write this anyways but then MANagING maNIA blogged about his exploration of the root of his anger and it ties in nicely with my post.
Long time followers will know that anger, or more appropriately called, rage, has been an issue for me. My rage has caused great inner and outer turmoil as well as emotional and physical pain. It is only until recently that I finally acknowledged that it is parts of my past (ie: abusive relationships) that are apart of what causes my rage.
I went back into therapy May 2012 after a well deserved 4 year break. I didn’t want my rage and my past to destroy my future and while I have made great progress (coming off birth control being one of the notable moments) I am still prone to rage and have yet to face my past.
Despite my strong desire too, I cannot run away from my past any longer but if left to my own devices I will. Fellow bloggers and friends are telling me to take my time but I don’t have time. I have 4 counselling sessions left and then that’s it.
I was in therapy for 5 years straight, only leaving because I chose to. I am very upset at the prospect of having therapy discontinued before I feel ready. I am out of time. The initial goal for counselling was to face my past but I constantly had to deal with the present or I got in my own way so now I’m going to be left with the wound wide open and no one to help. Due to the high demand where I currently attend counselling I’ve actually lost roughly 2 sessions a month. That’s 24 sessions I did not get to have.
I do have access to an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through work but I don’t know if I can trust their perspective. I can also try to get someone through the youth mental health organization I’m with but I don’t know if this would be a conflict of interest.
Thank you Canadian mental health system for tossing me out on my ass.