400+ Followers!

A few days ago Pride in Madness reached 400+ followers!!!!!!!

I would like to welcome all my new followers and thank you for joining!

I would also like to thank the followers who have been here over the past year!

I hope 2013 brings new discussions, debates, ideas, accomplishments and overall awesomeness with all these new followers!!!

What’s it Like to Be An Adult Who Self Harms

I am turning 23 next month. I am classified as a young adult but I feel closer to a teenager than anything. All my memories are in those years so it makes sense that I would still identify with teens more than with adults.

I want to stop cutting. I’m saying that in my “right” mind, so my calm mind, the one that doesn’t make everything a disaster but is able to focus and process.

For too long I’ve been saying “I’m not as bad as I used to be” which I’m beginning to see as almost permission to harm myself as long as it’s not bad. What is bad? Bad for me is deep, it’s the number of times, the number of days, the location, and if I’m slow to recover from it. So as long as it’s only once a month, just a few cuts, in a hidden location and I can shrug it off then I’m ok? No.

I am still proud of how far I have come but I need to start taking it all the way.

I’m hitting a road block though and so far I can only determine that it’s because of my age. I try to find services but I’m too old. I try to find groups and I’m either too old or I can’t find the groups. I try to find workbooks and they’re mostly geared towards teens, if they are workbooks at all. I want to share my knowledge in the form of participating in research but I’m too old.

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure

Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from DBT and Other Treatments (this one is at a library near me so I’m going to check it out)

Where is the help for adults who have been cutting for almost half their life?!?!?!?!?

It seems like only now that I’ve “phased” out from youth services that all these beneficial treatments are popping up for youth. A lot of money is being given to fund and develop child and youth mental health services.

Government of Canada announces funding for Ontario projects that support positive mental health (last year)

Harper Government Invests to Improve Access to Mental Health Services for Children and Youth (this year)

Where was this money when I needed it?

I am happy that, at least on paper, things for children and youth look as if they’ll turn around. I don’t want any young person to have to experience something similar to what I experienced but there are a lot of adults, myself included, that were the youth that at one point needed help and didn’t get it or didn’t get the same quality.

I know that there are self harm resources out there…..for youth….Looking back my self harm was never really addressed in therapy. It always seemed to come secondary to my sadness which was eventually labeled as chronic depression. I do recognize  that as I grew older, respected myself, got rid of horrible friends and learned better coping skills I was able to decrease my cutting. This isn’t enough!

I think self harm for me was the cause of all my shit. This wasn’t just a negative coping technique it became a physical, biological response to stress. I would in a sense crave it the same way someone who has quit smoking may crave a cigarette in times of stress. It’s the hard wiring that self harm has done in my brain that I need to get rid of.

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know where to go. I sort of don’t want to do it on my own but where are the adult self harming services?

I want to let go of this behaviour that I highly associate with being a teenager. I guess this is a sign that adults shouldn’t be self harming? I wish it had magically clicked off in my head when I turned 18 and I never had to deal with it again.