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An Old Friend Response To My 10 Months Self Harm Free
Talk of self harm
Context: 10 Months
This friend was there when I first started self harming in gr. 8 and continued to be there until she left our high school in gr. 10. She was a supportive friend and didn’t stop being my friend although many did leave because I was self harming.
“Hey I read your blog about 10 months self harm free. Even though you may have self harmed in jan and feb. you have to remember how far you have come. Don’t beat yourself up about what you did, be proud of yourself for who you have become since then. Everyone slips once in a while but look how many times you haven’t may have felt like you needed to and didn’t. This only makes you human! Try to keep your head up. Your a beautiful person. Don’t forget that!”
Thank you.
I still feel trapped by my self harm. I feel like I will never be seen as not being mentally ill until I completely stop the behaviour…
but…
I should not underestimate myself. There was one time I had 69 cuts on one section of my leg. I self harmed daily and with no control and feeling. Now, if I self harm, it’s once a month and rarely over 3 cuts. I have control and feeling.
That’s progress.
Strong Person Award
The Quiet Borderline has nominated me for the Strong Person Award. I could not adequately describe the amazing things this woman has does even if she does not know it! Her ability to survive and push beyond whatever she is experiencing is very admirable! CHECK OUT THE QUIET BORDERLINE!!!!!
“You heard me right! You are not weak, you are strong. You are not a failure, you are a fighter! This goes out to all mentalists. And it’s a gift from me (The Quiet Borderline) to you all – Please spread the love. Mental health is not something to be sneered at and it deserves much more respect. Stop the stigmatising.”
The Rules
1. Make sure to add in the above text and image to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!
2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them.
3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like!
4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty.
The Diagnoses of PIM
Dysthymic Disorder: A chronic depression that was relentless! I experienced this disorder from age 13 (although I was not diagnosed until 16) to 117 years old. These were the worst years of my life and I’m glad they are over. I firmly believe that if I hadn’t achieved my recovery from this depression I would be dead. Since I did recover for it I think that says something for the “chronic” part of the diagnosis.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Diagnosed at 18 years old and I probably had this disorder along with the dysthymia but no one was looking for it. I do relate being borderline with becoming a confident person. I have no problem standing up for myself, doing what I like and expressing how I feel even though it may be an aggressive mess.
Borderline Personality Traits: This is my newest diagnosis and it is one that reflects my awesome achievements in improving my mental health but still acknowledges that I have issues that can stop me in my tracks. This diagnosis simply means that I do not meet the full diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder anymore UNLESS I am angry. Many people think this diagnosis is bullshit but I feel that it is acknowledging who I am and I love it!
July 2012
Toronto, the city that I love! Going to school in Toronto and then moving here two years ago greatly improved my mental health and continues to do so!
Some Other Strong People (Even if you don’t appear on this list still know you are strong and awesome! And I possibly saw that you were previously nominated)
http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/
http://wereallmadinhere.wordpress.com/
http://asthependulumswings.wordpress.com/
http://brettbatten.wordpress.com/
http://strugglingwithbipolar.wordpress.com/
http://mentalhealthdiaries.wordpress.com/
http://thebipolarplace1.wordpress.com/
http://borderlinegirlliveshere.wordpress.com/
http://themirthofdespair.wordpress.com/
There are a few more but I need to get to bed!!!!
Happy Canada Day!
Today is Canada Day!!!!
We are still a very young nation, only 145 years old but we’re awesome and have left our mark!
I don’t stop to think about it often but I do love my country. One of the most recent moments of pride, I think for our whole country, was when we hosted the winter Olympics in 2010! Canadian athletes won a total of 26 medals, 14 gold, 7 silver and 5 bronze!
The one moment that took me by surprise was during the gold medal hockey game against the USA. The game went into over time and for awhile I thought the Americans had it but then Sidney Crosby snuck in a goal to get the goal! I remember sitting on the couch with Michael, so nervous and thinking our chances were slim. Over time just needs one goal to finish it off so there was no room for mistakes on either side! When Crosby scored I sat stunned for a bit then started freaking out!!!!
Here is a good video from a man who attended the Games. He got just enough on film to make you nervous, good position to see the shot and then he gets everyone’s reactions! It makes me tear a little!
There was a commercial by Coca-Cola that was just amazing and still gives me chills all over my body! It’s a two part ad so here is the first, before our men’s and women’s team took gold!
And then after we kicked the world’s ass we got this ad which made me even more excited because it was true! I can’t find a video of the final commercial without the first commercial in it so just skip forward to 30 seconds! It’s the same commercial except for the ending!!!!
He he he he he it is true 
Canada also has it’s own “Shit that Canadians Say” Built on stereotypes but super funny! I personally do not say “eh” but I know a lot of people who do and trust me, I do not have the accent that guy is pulling in the video!
Canadians are funny people! I personally am pretty funny! Here is some comedy from Canadian comedians talking about Canada and the world! I love joking about Canada and being Canadian!
Many seem to associate inventions and influential happenings with the world’s powerhouse, the USA. Canada has done many things to help push this world forward that are worth mentioning!
Some inventions:
- Basket Ball
If you’ve never had a poutine all you need is gravy (try beef), cheese curds or grated cheese, and french fries! IT’S SO GOOD!!! I jazz mine up with green onion and bacon!
- Poutine
- Telephone
- Walkie-Talkie
- Snowmobile
- Electric Wheelchair
- Instant Replay
- Insulin
- Electron Microscope
- Cardiac Pacemaker
- Egg Carton
Influential/Notable Canadians
- Joe Shuster, co-creator of Superman
- Roberta Bondar, first Canadian woman in space
- Egerton Ryerson, public education advocate and namesake of my university
- Jay Manuel, America’s/Canada’s Next Top Model
- Terry Fox, lost his leg to cancer and attempted to run across Canada to raise money for cancer research. He did not complete his journey and he lost his battle with cancer. Every year schools across Canada have Terry Fox runs to raise money.
- Stephen Lewis, AIDS activist and visiting professor at my university
- Tommy Douglas, introduced publicly-funded healthcare
Jack Layton and Henry Morgentaler!
- Jack Layton, former leader of the New Democrats Party (NDP, socialisty), former leader of the federal opposition, former MP of my area Toronto-Danforth, founder of the White Ribbon Campaign and seriously this man is just amazing! He lost his battle to cancer last summer and I cried.
- Henry Morgentaler, helped make abortion legal in Canada
I love Canada and I have hope Canada that we will get better if we can just get our act together. We are a nation that believes in helping others and that we’re stronger that way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANADA!!!!
Terry Fox, Marathon of Hope
Wayne Gretzky
Ryan Gosling
Samantha Bee, The Daily Show
Russel Peters
Lincoln Alexander, first black MP
k.d. lang, singer and gay rights activist
William Shatner
Rev. Brent Hawkes, one of Canada’s leading gay rights activist, married first same sex couple and I want him to be the pastor at my wedding!
Dear Younger Me
Dear Kristen,
You did good. I’m proud of how far you’ve made it despite thinking you didn’t deserve to be alive. You’ve shown yourself that you can overcome anything that is thrown at you and use it to improve who you are as a person. I’m glad that you have finally surrounded yourself with good people. The friends you have now are there for you, support you and accept you for who you are. The partner you have chosen sees something in you that none of the others did, he sees you. He has helped bring out the best in you when others only brought out the worst.
While we both know there are no regrets, everything that has happened has made you the great person you are, there are a few things I wish you had known.
I wish you had known that majority of the friends you held so close to you would leave. You put so much effort into impressing them and in the end it wouldn’t matter. It’s good that they’re gone.
I wish you had known that your grades mattered. You made it through but you were smarter than you let yourself be. You ripped yourself off but I understand it’s because you thought you wouldn’t be alive to see it through. I wish you had seen your potential.
I wish you had known that these boyfriends weren’t worth it. Boys are never worth pain. Those who try with you are the ones you should put your effort into.
I wish you had known that your life would get better, that the depression would leave. The one regret you have is cutting. You constantly need to be strategic about what you were and you find yourself hating the people who can bare it all. If you had known it would end maybe you wouldn’t have done the damage to your body that you did. You’re body is still beautiful don’t worry because it shows a story of survival.
Never forget that you are amazing! You have skills now that you didn’t have before and you know how to use them. Keep learning and evolving. Never let anyone tell you what you can and can’t do! Only you can decide that! Say yes when you feel like saying no (unless you really need to say no). Don’t hate too much but don’t love to easily. Just be who you are and you’ll attract the right people and lose the ones you don’t need.
You’re great!
Love,
Kristen
Mormons and Utah Pride
My partner posted this article on my Facebook and it has made me so happy!
300 straight Mormons joined in Utah’s Pride Parade today! The Church still has a ways to go but no step towards acceptance should be ignored!
Mormons Join Utah Pride Parade
Why I Like Being Left Handed :)
I never thought that being left handed was something bad. I also never thought that I was being discriminated against by the world I live in for using my other hand.
In 2008 I discovered Left Hander’s Day (http://www.lefthandersday.com/) and realized that in every day products, such as scissors, prevent me from achieving my full potential. I live in a world that was not designed for me.
I have noticed over the years that more products are being made to accommodate BOTH handedness like knives and scissors but the most common fix is to just create left handed products. 
Some left handed products:
- Baseball gloves
- Watches
- Computer mouse
- Guitars and other musical instruments
- Work tools (ie: table saw, chainsaw)
- Kitchen tools (ie: can opener, peeler)
Stores that sell left handed products:
http://www.anythinglefthanded.co.uk
http://www.leftyslefthanded.com/
I love being left handed! It was cool being 1 of 2 or 3 lefties in my class at school. It’s nice to feel unique!
I feel that lefties are highly adaptable and many of us probably don’t realize, especially as we get older, that we’ve adapted so well! What I find interesting is that lefties usually have their own style of doing things. Because no one has taught us how to for example, write, in a way that is suitable for left handed people we come up with out own ways. I tried very hard to imitate how right handers wrote so I write straight across the page, smudging my words as I go. My younger sister though writes with her hand curved over her words so she can read what she is writing which is something right handed people can do (I can’t). We both also maneuver the page so we can see our words better.
I can do some things that right handed people can do. I can play guitar right handed and can use a computer mouse with my right hand.
Left handed people are such a beautiful example of how humans can adapt to their surroundings but also that more needs to be done to ensure that the younger leftie generation has the same opportunity as right handed young people to feel comfortable in the world.
My previous post looked at some of the ways being left handed can “screw you for life.” It’s not all bad though! Here are some positive things about being left handed!
#1. Left handers are more likely to be geniuses! 20% of a MENSA members report being left handed!
#2. A study found that left handed men were, on average, were 15% more likely to be richer than right handed men who attended college, and 25% richer if they graduated!
#3. Research shows that lefties are better at handling large amounts of stimuli which makes them naturally better at playing video games!
#4. Four of the five original designers of Mac computer were left handed!
#5. Lefties makes better artists!
#6.Lefties are better at sports (tennis, boxing, swimming, fencing)!
#7. Lefties are better at 3D perception and thinking!
#8. Lefties are better at multitasking!
#9. Lefties recover from strokes faster!
#10. One of the few items in common use that is actually advantageous for left-handers is the QWERTY keyboard. Over 3000 words in English can be typed with only the left hand on the QWERTY board as opposed to some 300 with the right hand, and overall, 56% of the keystrokes made when touch-typing on a QWERTY board are made with the left hand!
#11. Lefties are more adaptable than righties!
There are also POSITIVE connotations for left handedness!
- Indigenous peoples of the Andes consider that left-handers possess special spiritual abilities, including magic and healing.
- In China and Japan, the formula “man left, woman right” (男左女右, nán zuǒ, nǚ yòu) expresses the traditional concept that the left is the yang (阳, yáng) direction and side of the body. The character for “left”, 左, also depicts a left hand attending to its work. In contrast, the character for “right”, 右 (yòu), depicts a right hand in relation to the mouth, suggesting the act of eating.
- In Tantric Buddhism, the left hand represents wisdom.
- In Russian, “levsha” (lefty, lefthander) became a common noun for skilled craftsman.
WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!!! 
http://dailyinfographic.com/left-handed-facts-and-statistics-infographic
http://leftyfretz.com/25-facts-about-left-handed-people/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-handedness
A Success in a Failure
I am furious and still furious about a situation I found myself in last Sunday but it was a good test for me.
I had a job “audition” last Sunday for basically a summer camp version of the job I currently have with the City of Toronto. Sunday transit is horrible and my schedule was totally thrown off so I was roughly 10 minutes late. I thought that at the least I would have to apologize profusely and really bring my game! I was wrong. I was fucking locked out of the building along with someone else who was late. We walked around and tried all the doors before finally going back to the main entrance where I banged on the window (I couldn’t just leave). A young woman opened the door, let us in and went and got the guy who was leading the pre-selection group “audition”. He came down and told us that they had already started so we couldn’t join but that they would keep us in mind in case they didn’t fill all
the positions. I held it together, apologized, thanked them for the opportunity and went home.
I called my Mother as I walked back to the subway and cried. She suggested I send them an apology email so that even though being late made me look bad the email would help me later if they did need to have more “auditions”.
When I got home I cried to Michael. I was so ashamed, angry, sad, embarrassed and at a loss for words. “I’m never late!” I kept saying. (It’s true! I’m not!) Michael just hugged me. I told him that I wanted to hurt myself but reminded myself in my head that I should just cry. One of the distractions I checked of in the DBT workbook was that I’d cry. So I cried.
because you learn from it!
Eventually I decided that I was done with crying and had to calm down (the crying was keeping me from cutting but I wasn’t calm). I walked away from Michael and leaned against the wall. “This sucks but I can’t do anything about it,” I said, mostly to myself. “I can only write that email and then it’s out of my hands.” I took deep breaths and went to write my email.
Monday afternoon I received a response to my apology email saying that my apology was appreciated and my maturity respect. It was reconfirmed that they would keep me in mind if they needed more people.
I did it! A situation that would normally have resulted in devastating self harm, a complete freak out and a lot of emotional pain was over in about 20 minutes and even though that job may be gone for this year (I still have a job interview somewhere else in early May) I came out on top! I put myself to the test and I passed!
A co-worker of mine who has worked in City camps for about 6 years wrote to them also just saying that I would be a great fit so hopefully if they need more people his email will help also (it was so sweet of him to write the email for me!).
