I told myself:
I am strong
I am beautiful
I am rough in some spots by smooth in others
I am unique
Thought: I remember when I was younger I believed in the silly love stories that one day a man would come into my life and complete it. This became especially desired when I was in the midst of my depression from 13-17 years old. There was no way in hell was I able to fill even a part of myself when I was depressed. I needed someone else to do it.
I realize now, that I’m older and not experiencing depression, that this was a dumb idea and it’s not a fair idea.
I remember saying to ex’s, “You’re my boyfriend, you can’t leave me!” Boyfriend meant that they were my savior, my everything, and they had no right to take that away from me. But in fact they do. I can’t hold them hostage (some described it as such).
While being with Michael I realized that being in a relationship is a privilege. I seemed to have, and I know others have to, gotten wrapped up in this idea of a relationship suddenly meaning that person owes you something, that they are now in some contract with you so to speak. This is true but it is not. Couples set their own terms and conditions but under no circumstances does that mean that either of us can’t leave the relationship when we need and want to.
In order to learn this though I had to begin to see the value in myself. I had to know that I would be there for myself when a partner was not. I couldn’t do this until now.
A friend of mine has trust issues. She text me one day very upset that someone (I’m assuming her partner) did something which she interpreted as a betrayal of trust. To simply put it, people will betray your trust, that’s people, that’s life. No matter how much we want to set up our little “talk to me like this/ do things like this” plan it will not always work out that way. We need to have the ability to comfort ourselves, to be there for ourselves as a support and to fill in the gap that the person left.
It’s also stressful for partners to have to constantly watch themselves and well, they’re entitled to be assholes and not be worried about sending us into the black. I think sometimes we need to see from our partners perspective (but don’t beat yourself up over it).
I don’t want to be dependent on people. I want people to compliment me. Michael is a compliment to my life and I to his. We love each other and depend on each but in a healthy way.
We need to be there for ourselves first! I guess in reality, if we can’t be there for ourselves how can we expect others to be there for us? We show people who to treat us.