I posted yesterday about how I just have nothing to say about what I’m experiencing. Many of you encouraged me to write something regardless of I think it’s going to be stupid and boring so I’ll give it a shot. I know you’ll accept and understand anything I put out
I don’t care and I don’t know. Those have gradually become my mantras over this past month.
Counselling isn’t as “action packed” as they used to be because I just have nothing to say.
I do not think this is a self-fulfilling prophecy anymore. I’m not upset about anything. I believe more and more, with each passing day, that the birth control was the rage factor.
I used to feel charged. I had a kick in my step. Last night, on the bus ride home, this man kept staring at me. As a young woman trained to be suspicious I created wild stories in my head about how this man might follow me home and what would I do. Usually, if not always, I would feel confident that I could kick his ass and get away. Not last night. I didn’t feel that burning inside, that fight. I instead felt nothing, not even flight. I put my keys in between my fingers so I could stab him in the face. He didn’t follow me home. I was so sad that I didn’t feel the anger.
This isn’t just a loss of rage. There was a confidence that came with the constant adrenaline pumping through my body. I know I talked about how it was painful but I felt untouchable. I could walk with my head held high, I felt like I could take on anything or at least try.
I miss that.
I’m very low. I don’t want to call it sad but it’s easier for me to get sad. I don’t want to become depressed. I’m closer to that now than I have been over the past 6 years.
I’m not me.
I need to start getting ready for work and stuff. I would like to straighten my hair and I’m running out of time fr it to dry on it’s own (less frizz).
In the back of “Manufacturing Depression” by Gray Greenberg he provides a list of questions based off of the reading. My responses on strictly my personal opinion based off my experiences with depression and medication. Everyone will have a different answer and I encourage you all to comment with your own answers
How does the concept of “On this medication, I am myself at last” (35) make you feel? Can taking medication make you yourself or does such a dependency negate that?
To say that taking medication makes me who I’m supposed to be then you are admitting that there is a baseline that everyone has to follow and that at one point you had it but now it’s gone. Especially when this is supposed to be chemical, genetic, something we’re supposed to always have, then our depressive symptoms are who we are per se. To change that would to be changing who we are. Medication then basically creates us (and in my opinion fails) into this ideal person that we believe we need to be.
I know that some medications are needed for people to live, and for some they need to take it for the rest of their lives. I don’t take medication because it failed at making me this ideal self it claims it will do. I have “found myself at last” on my own and it’s awesome.