I Don’t Know Why I Do It

Talk of self harm, suicide and other depressing issues

Found this on a piece of paper in a box of notes in my closet. Some point in high school, possibly early grade 11.

I don’t know why I do what I. I hate it when people ask me why. I don’t know the answer. I do it when I get angry. And then just because, like it becomes natural. I do it whether I want to or not. It’s something I don’t understand. When I think I have things figured out something, whether it’s me or someone else, always screws it up. It might be something in my brain, like a personality disorder, that’s fucking me up like this? I hope so. It makes me scared.

Why did I let him get to me like this? Why did I love him in the first place? He was the only one that accepted me? I don’t believe that anymore. I just had to carve your name in my arm! I just had to show you something I knew you wouldn’t see! I can’t blame you, I made this myself. A scarred monster. Can’t even hold a sharp object without wanting to stab myself. I’m scared to be alone. I never know what I’m going to do.

I care too much about my friends and way too little about myself. I’d die for them. They wouldn’t do anything close to that for me. Most of the time I think they’re afraid of me. My friends hate me. I can’t please. If they read this they’d probably say it was bullshit and secretly say I want attention. But I’m not like that. What I feel is real. I hear some of them say they wanna cut. They have no idea what it does to me. They make it sound so easy, so stupid. Like an excuse in a way. It’s not! I thought I could stop but I can’t. They can’t either! It makes me sick to hear them tell me they want to cut. After all the hell I’ve gone through, after all the shit they’ve said to me, how could they go and do it??!!

Maybe I’m not that fucked up? No, I am. People piss me off! They think they know everything. Especially the ones that “care” about me. As usual I’m right. Am I supposed to feel guilty about what I did? Yes! But I don’t. “S” is probably gonna talk about me. “H” was crying. All because I cut. I should be sorry but I’m too hurt. To betrayed because they’re to mad to see what I’m going through! I wont suffer to make them happy! I can see why my friends would be mad but at the same time I don’t. I cut because I was hurting, I was in pain. I don’t need more hurt from my friends. Some of them have done it too. I showed them sympathy. ALL I GET IS FUCKING ANGER!! I should ditch my friends, get a new life. End this useless one. Maybe then they’ll see what they’ve put me through and how much it hurt me.

Don’t fucking say I’m not depressed, that I just think I am! I am lower than low. Zero self esteem. It makes me upset to hear you say that what I feel is fake You can’t feel what I feel just like I can’t feel what you feel. I’m planning it out now, a 7 day countdown. I’ll overdose on pills unless things get straightened out. I always say I’m gonna murder someone, well this will be my only murder. First and last. ”H” says that I have to do it by myself. I’m alone, no more help from my friends. How can something hurt you more then it hurts me? Maybe things have cleared up but I feel left out more then ever. Every so often I do wanna kill myself because I don’t see a reason for me to live; I’m going to be alone. 

I will try to stop. I promise. I’ll try and if I do cut again you wont know. I know it’s my fault but so is everything else. I don’t wanna stop for myself. I’m not worth that. I’ll stop for my friends because they’re worth it. i don’t see why though. Sometimes they could be the reason I cut. I know sometimes when I say I wanna kill myself it’s talk. But this time I know I could do it! I’ve lost the will to live, to do anything. I’m already dead. 

What I’m feeling is really how I feel! I’m not a fucking poser like “C” says I am. It’s not for attention you asshole! I’m not pretending! I wouldn’t put myself through this hell or put my friends through it if it wasn’t real. Even though “M” says he’s here for me I want my friends, my girls. I need them more then they know! I don’t need someone telling me to stop but at the same time saying it’s ok if I can’t. I want people to agree with me but at the same time I don’t. Who knows, this could be my suicide note…

Feeling Depression

Here is a little blurb I found from when I was in grade 10 (2004/2005). It describes how I was feeling during my depression. This is most likely pre-diagnosis.

I can’t stand the feel of air filling my lungs. It makes me know I’m alive. To be alive is to be unhappy. When I feel my heart beat it gets me down. I’m still breathing. I hate breathing! I’m my worst enemy. Life hates me. I hate it too. Break out of this hell but it’s impossible. A feeling of exploding emotions. It never leave me. It stays to torture me. 

I remember I used to lay in bed and hold my breath and think about how much better it felt.

http://ubyssey.ca/features/student-depression-on-the-rise-how-is-ubc-coping/depression/

I Want…

A few of my kids at work wanted to see some of my old notes from high school that my friends had written to me. They were all inappropriate so I didn’t share any but I came across a view pieces of paper that had writing about depression or whatever I was experiencing at the time.

Here’s one of them. I’m 14 or 15 years old.

I want to know who I am

I want to be who I want to be

I want to be me

But I don’t know what the real me is like

I want to be free

I want my pain to disappear

I want my burden lifted

I want to be clean

I want to be me

But I am nothing

I want to keep friends

I want to keep myself down

I want to keep myself clean

This poem (if you wanna call it that)

Is like a wishlist

Also a way I can bash myself

Or maybe I just feel like writing random things

Ok, screw the poem idea

I’m just getting mad at myself

It’s all my fault!

My fault I’m like this

My fault everything with everyone is messed!!

I’ve been trying to think of what I meant by “clean”. Drugs? Alcohol? Cutting? Depression? Something was “dirty” though and I didn’t like it.

30 Day Challenge- Day 23

Day 23: Something you miss

I miss my Aunt Kathy.

Not my actual bunnies. I need more bunnies!

I miss my Papa.

I miss my rabbits and hamsters.

I miss feeling invincible (oh teen years).

I already miss the confidence I had when  I was pissed off all the time.
I miss gossiping in my bedroom with my girl friends.

I had one this colour (Ricky, who had a heart fur pattern) and one that was grey and white (Bailey).

I miss the heat (Winter is coming…..Games of Thrones anyone?)

 

What’s it Like to Be An Adult Who Self Harms

I am turning 23 next month. I am classified as a young adult but I feel closer to a teenager than anything. All my memories are in those years so it makes sense that I would still identify with teens more than with adults.

I want to stop cutting. I’m saying that in my “right” mind, so my calm mind, the one that doesn’t make everything a disaster but is able to focus and process.

For too long I’ve been saying “I’m not as bad as I used to be” which I’m beginning to see as almost permission to harm myself as long as it’s not bad. What is bad? Bad for me is deep, it’s the number of times, the number of days, the location, and if I’m slow to recover from it. So as long as it’s only once a month, just a few cuts, in a hidden location and I can shrug it off then I’m ok? No.

I am still proud of how far I have come but I need to start taking it all the way.

I’m hitting a road block though and so far I can only determine that it’s because of my age. I try to find services but I’m too old. I try to find groups and I’m either too old or I can’t find the groups. I try to find workbooks and they’re mostly geared towards teens, if they are workbooks at all. I want to share my knowledge in the form of participating in research but I’m too old.

Stopping the Pain: A Workbook for Teens Who Cut and Self Injure

Freedom from Self-Harm: Overcoming Self-Injury with Skills from DBT and Other Treatments (this one is at a library near me so I’m going to check it out)

Where is the help for adults who have been cutting for almost half their life?!?!?!?!?

It seems like only now that I’ve “phased” out from youth services that all these beneficial treatments are popping up for youth. A lot of money is being given to fund and develop child and youth mental health services.

Government of Canada announces funding for Ontario projects that support positive mental health (last year)

Harper Government Invests to Improve Access to Mental Health Services for Children and Youth (this year)

Where was this money when I needed it?

I am happy that, at least on paper, things for children and youth look as if they’ll turn around. I don’t want any young person to have to experience something similar to what I experienced but there are a lot of adults, myself included, that were the youth that at one point needed help and didn’t get it or didn’t get the same quality.

I know that there are self harm resources out there…..for youth….Looking back my self harm was never really addressed in therapy. It always seemed to come secondary to my sadness which was eventually labeled as chronic depression. I do recognize  that as I grew older, respected myself, got rid of horrible friends and learned better coping skills I was able to decrease my cutting. This isn’t enough!

I think self harm for me was the cause of all my shit. This wasn’t just a negative coping technique it became a physical, biological response to stress. I would in a sense crave it the same way someone who has quit smoking may crave a cigarette in times of stress. It’s the hard wiring that self harm has done in my brain that I need to get rid of.

I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know where to go. I sort of don’t want to do it on my own but where are the adult self harming services?

I want to let go of this behaviour that I highly associate with being a teenager. I guess this is a sign that adults shouldn’t be self harming? I wish it had magically clicked off in my head when I turned 18 and I never had to deal with it again.