I’m Such a Good Theory

Another down moment, well I haven’t really gotten out of the earlier one, just shoved it aside to get myself to believe that it was gone.

I realized this a few years ago and I feel like it just keeps getting more and more confirmed. I’m a great theory.

People seem to have these idea of who I am based off of how I describe myself and then shortly after meeting me after I get comfortable with them, I don’t want to say that I become myself but I become my reserved self. This leads to let downs.

The anger, the sadness, even laziness I guess. It all comes out once I’m comfortable. I can rationalized it out, and it’s most likely the truth, that I don’t certain things anymore because they were outlets for when I was self destruction. They trigger. I hate being triggered.

So I describe myself in these awesome fun ways and I do not deliver and I wish I did. I try to but I’m so afraid of falling back in old bad habits. I can’t find a middle ground, but I haven’t really tried because I’m worried of fucking up trying to find it.

I still have fine self esteem. I know that I am still a good person and well liked but I feel that without a doubt I’ll never get married and have kids. It’s a horrible feeling especially thinking no one will want to share children with me because I need to have them in my life eventually.

I’m too much of a hassle. Who wants a constant hassle in their life? I have no choice but to live with myself but everyone else can choose to leave and I hate them for it. I’m only great for so long.

In theory I’m amazing, I’m everything a man could want until he sees that I’m not. I’m already trying to figure out what I’ll do with myself if I can’t reach those certain goals.

I wish I wasn’t a theory. I’m getting emotional so I can’t really form good sentences right now.

You Disable Me!

This is one of the most empowering models I’ve found to view not only mental health but disability. It is called the Social Model of Disability (SMD, mix them up and you get DSM WHOA!) and I’m so pissed that I was never taught it while in school for social work! I didn’t learn about SMD until I began working with The Madvocates (follow on Twitter @TheMadvocates) and it became one of the base theories for our research.

SMD is beautiful and I feel a no brainer: Society makes disability disabling by creating a disabling world. Meaning that if society broke down the barriers facing those with physical, mental and intellectual disabilities the whole notion of someone being disabled could be erased! SMD also recognizes the important role society plays in creating the difficulties faced by those with disabilities and does not blame the individual.

Not enough people know about this model! In my 4^th and final year of university I took a sociology course that looked at social inequalities in film. I brought up SMD during a class where we were looking at disability. My brilliant professor hadn’t even heard of SMD!

If there isn’t a ramp into a building, if there isn’t braille on a sign, if there aren’t chirps at crosswalks then we are forcing the individuals who need these aids to remain in their homes and not participate in society despite their capabilities to do so if the aids were in place! We are disabling them!

The same goes for mental illness. I have taken to saying in the past few years that I have no problem with having borderline personality disorder, it’s everyone else that does. I can only do so much in my life if society is pushing down on me.

We all need to recognize our roles in making life difficult for those with disabilities but more importantly our roles in making life better. We have so much to offer that can make life easier that to withhold that and blame it on the disability is outrageous! Everyone has a right to reach their full potential by whatever means is necessary.

It’s about speaking and listening to the needs of others AND THEN DOING WHAT IS NEEDED!!