Posted by prideinmadness
I don’t want to use this blog as a place to rant but I do feel that I cannot just talk about the issues or triumphs of mental health without talking about myself. Putting a face to this helps to educate people.
I have always been more of an advocate for therapy than I have for medication (explained in greater detail in another blog) but as I’ve come to question our mental health system more I am wondering if therapy is even right in the ways that I formerly thought.
I began seeing a social worker in 2003 when I was 14 years old. I would end up having two social workers through my school and three through an outpatient program. I didn’t leave therapy and the whole system until I was 18 or 19 years old.
I didn’t do well in therapy for the first two years but finally at 16 I decided enough was enough and I was, as they say, “sick of being sick.” Finally progress was made. I learned how to avoid being depressed:
-talk to a friend
-go for a walk
It became easier to do these things to help lift my depression when I wasn’t on medication.
Good or bad, I don’t know, but going off medication and then experiencing a trauma turned me into a different person (literally in the sense that I developed a different personality which I will also blog about later). This is when I turned “borderline”, at around 17 years old, and I developed a confidence and an anger that drove me to question why I had been treated so horribly by the people who were supposed to be my friends. This is when I realized therapy was failing me.
The therapy I was receiving was based around what I could do to improve my life. That’s all fine and dandy until I’m faced with person after person who will do nothing to help me. I was supposed to fit in and if I didn’t then I wasn’t trying hard enough. Everyday I tried to fit into the mold and I would fail and I still fail. I was and still am being held to standards that I can’t met instead of the standards being tailored to fit me.
I never learned how to be angry or be sad. The focus was always how to shut it off. I shouldn’t have to always shut it off! This is why I will still spiral into quick depressions and hot rages. The thoughts of suicide come back. That will never be an action again but the thoughts are extremely painful to sit through, especially alone because I’ve usually done something to drive away the person I need most at that time.
Why couldn’t there be a lesson on how my friends and family should interact with me? I can’t practice what I’ve learned when many around me still push me down by a lack of support and understanding. How can I put a smile on my face when I’m being called crazy or when I explain how to properly deal with me when I’m in a rage and no one does it. It makes me the failure again even though I’ve tried.
Therapy is social control. It tells you how you’re supposed to be. Well, how you’re saying I’m supposed to be isn’t working. It is not just my responsibility, we all have the responsibility to help each other recover. If I’m going to put in the effort to fit into this constricted world the least people could do is help me out. This lack of support in what I’ve learned did lead me to essentially recover on my own and I often wonder if I wold be further along or experienced less pain if I had, had more good people by my side.
It’s horrible realizing that no matter how hard you try to be the right person it is not right. The person you tried to create in therapy gets broken down and the person you are naturally you’re told is just a disaster.
This is just another example of how society will just always push down those who are at the extremes of emotion, mood and behaviour.
Usually these normal people are crazier than I am. These therapists live in a world that is impossible to live in, a hallucination so to speak. We’re all living in a hallucination of normalcy.
Just let me be me cause according to our system I need to let you be you.
I would recommend peer support. A group of people who are also or have also experience mental illness. It’s a support that you can’t even imagine!