My Leadership professor posted this video to show bad coaching but it’s pretty funny I feel this way sometimes, people just STOP IT! Or even for myself….just stop it!
After raging pretty good a few days ago it has once again become apparent to me that I need to get my shit together (so do those around me but I can’t do anything about that). It’s one thing to expose my partner to my rages but if we’re going to move forward in our lives our future children CANNOT be exposed to the rages I experience. If I continue to experience anger in this way I will have my children taken away from me. That would kill me.
I have decided to get myself on the wait list at CAMH for their BPD Clinic. I’m choosing to ignore the part where it says clients are REQUIRED to have an outside primary therapist because I have heard the wait list is well over two years and who knows where I’ll be by then but I can get an outside therapist if needed I guess. But, that main problem is, is that I can’t make the call. I heard the automated message say, “Welcome to CAMH” and I hung up. I feel like I’m betraying a part of me. I have never interacted with CAMH before (minus to tell them I hated their ads) so do even inquire about this feels like I’m submitting myself to the medical model, saying I have a disease and that my brain is broken. I just don;t want to rage anymore.
I’m probably being over dramatic but all the confidence I had when I first dialed the number is gone.
Many you, my followers, have been in some form of talk therapy. Some of us probably for years. I was in therapy for 5 years, took a 4 year break and now back in again.
When we enter talk therapy we’re made to set goals. What do we want to get out of these sessions?
My goals have always been about becoming a better person. How to communicate better, how to regulate my emotions, how to stop self harming etc.
With the guidance of many social workers (high turnover rate) I learned how to become a better person.
- the importance of sharing how I feel with others
- how to communicate with others in a way that can defuse chaotic situations
- how to relax myself
- the importance of self care
- and more…
This sounds like a decent list! So then how can my title of this post be about how therapy has failed? Because these skills were not passed on to the so-called “normal” people!
I have been talking with my friends who have mental health issues and they face the same issue; the skills they learned in therapy are not being received by the “normal” people we’re supposed to be like.
This happens for the simple reason that all majority of how we interact with others or with ourselves is TAUGHT! I wasn’t born knowing how to avoid conflict. I had to be taught! This is not to say that my parents did not teach me but I needed some extra help in that area.
I’m sorry you “normal” people but you suck just as much as I do!
We (society) have created this belief that certain people need to learn specifically learn these skills when in reality we all need to be taught how to express ourselves, care for ourselves and care for others.
Here is a personal example:
I learned in therapy but that if I remain calm then a situation will remain calm. LIES! I spoken calmly to others and they have continued to yell at me and things have exploded. If the person I am in an argument with has not learned how to properly communicate anger then they simply will not. They will yell which is the universal action to show anger.
I learned in therapy that one coping technique I can use when I’m angry is to walk away and cool off. WRONG! I have been followed before. How can I calm down when I am followed or yell at through a door? If the person I am arguing with had learned the importance of cooling down before engaging in an angry conversation then they would know not to follow.
I’m left to navigate this strange world that didn’t want me before therapy and doesn’t want me after.
A friend and I have talked about having a coping and communication skills workshop for “day walkers” (as she calls them). It is important for EVERYONE to learn much of what some of us have had the opportunity to learn about in therapy. The skills I have learned can be applied to every aspect of my life and will help me succeed. You shouldn’t have to be “abnormal” to have the opportunity to learn something that can help everyone.
Since deciding to pursue psychiatric medication again I have been slapped in the face with a familiar “logic”.
Mental health treatment has a very much “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” attitude.
I saw this especially when I was in my teens and first entered the mental health system.
I was told by my “friends” that I was crazy, a psycho and that I should find help.
I found help. I began seeing a social work at school and outside of school. I also eventually started taking medication.
Instead of being patted on the back for doing something to improve my quality of life I was pushed away further!
I had gone from, “You are so sick you NEED help!” to “You are SO sick you need help!”
Can you see/hear the difference?
When I did not pursue treatment I was seen as careless, stupid, wanting attention and not caring for others.
When I did pursue treatment I was seen as truly crazy, dangerous and broken.
This is unacceptable! I will not sit by this time and let others scorn me for being a bitch with my anger and then further scorn me for trying another way to deal with it.
We cannot have this view off psychiatric treatment! It is extremely unproductive, counterproductive and defeats every purpose we have in having healthcare!
Treatment is there for us to become better people! Treatment is also there for us to say, “NO, we don’t want to do that!”
Treatment is there or not there for us to utilize! Treatment is not there to be used against us for utilizing it or not!
MYTH: Therapy Is Like Having A Paid Friend
MYTH: Therapy Means You’re ‘Crazy’
MYTH: Therapy Is Endless
MYTH: Therapy Will Cost A Fortune
MYTH: Therapists Will Blame You And Shame You
MYTH: Medication Is Just As Effective As Therapy
MYTH: Therapy Is Passive
MYTH: Therapy Is All Happy Thoughts
MYTH: There’s Nothing You Can Do About The Past
MYTH: Therapy Will Make Your Painful Problems Worse
Thought: In light of my past posts on the Borderline Basher I’ve become even more aware and irritated about the discrimination towards those experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder/Traits. I keep seeing posts and comments about how BPD is difficult to treat and why. It all just sounds like hate to me.
I say this out of rage, but I know people who do not have BPD and have been more difficult to treat professionally than I have! Many of the great examples of Borderline’s who bust their butts to become better people are followers of mine! You people are amazing!
I wish I could remember where I read this but somewhere on this vast internet, when I was first researching BPD after I was diagnosed, it said that Borderline’s may be more difficult to treat but once healing and learning begin they have one of the highest success rates!
Are we really that difficult to treat? Or, as I’m sure many of us feel and I swear it’s true, no one can effectively reach us!? I personally think it’s the last part. How Borderline of me to blame others for my down falls :p
My Mom told me a few months ago that if she knew then what she knew now she would have pushed for the insurance company to cover more therapy. My current insurance would basically only cover 1 sessions a month. This is why I take the public route. I may have to wait a while to get it but once I’m in then I don’t need to worry about where the money will come from.