STOP IT

My Leadership professor posted this video to show bad coaching but it’s pretty funny I feel this way sometimes, people just STOP IT! Or even for myself….just stop it!

Contributing Author

I am now a contributing author at Parents-Space! It’s a great website for parents (well, anyone really)  and my contribution is in their mental health section.

Here are links to my first two posts and please check out the rest of the site!

What Is Recovery?

A Good Therapist Makes A Difference

 

Can’t Make The Call

After raging pretty good a few days ago it has once again become apparent to me that I need to get my shit together (so do those around me but I can’t do anything about that). It’s one thing to expose my partner to my rages but if we’re going to move forward in our lives our future children CANNOT be exposed to the rages I experience. If I continue to experience anger in this way I will have my children taken away from me. That would kill me.

I have decided to get myself on the wait list at CAMH for their BPD Clinic. I’m choosing to ignore the part where it says clients are REQUIRED to have an outside primary therapist because I have heard the wait list is well over two years and who knows where I’ll be by then but I can get an outside therapist if needed I guess. But, that main problem is, is that I can’t make the call. I heard the automated message say, “Welcome to CAMH” and I hung up. I feel like I’m betraying a part of me. I have never interacted with CAMH before (minus to tell them I hated their ads) so do even inquire about this feels like I’m submitting myself to the medical model, saying I have a disease and that my brain is broken. I just don;t want to rage anymore.

I’m probably being over dramatic but all the confidence I had when I first dialed the number is gone.

When What I Learned In Therapy Fails

Many you, my followers, have been in some form of talk therapy. Some of us probably for years. I was in therapy for 5 years, took a 4 year break and now back in again.

When we enter talk therapy we’re made to set goals. What do we want to get out of these sessions?

My goals have always been about becoming a better person. How to communicate better, how to regulate my emotions, how to stop self harming etc.

With the guidance of many social workers (high turnover rate) I learned how to become a better person.

I learned:

• the importance of sharing how I feel with others
• how to communicate with others in a way that can defuse chaotic situations
• how to relax myself
• the importance of self care
• and more…

This sounds like a decent list! So then how can my title of this post be about how therapy has failed? Because these skills were not passed on to the so-called “normal” people!

I have been talking with my friends who have mental health issues and they face the same issue; the skills they learned in therapy are not being received by the “normal” people we’re supposed to be like.

This happens for the simple reason that all majority of how we interact with others or with ourselves is TAUGHT! I wasn’t born knowing how to avoid conflict. I had to be taught! This is not to say that my parents did not teach me but I needed some extra help in that area.

I’m sorry you “normal” people but you suck just as much as I do!

We (society) have created this belief that certain people need to learn specifically learn these skills when in reality we all need to be taught how to express ourselves, care for ourselves and care for others.

Here is a personal example:

I learned in therapy but that if I remain calm then a situation will remain calm. LIES! I spoken calmly to others and they have continued to yell at me and things have exploded. If the person I am in an argument with has not learned how to properly communicate anger then they simply will not. They will yell which is the universal action to show anger.

Another example:

I learned in therapy that one coping technique I can use when I’m angry is to walk away and cool off. WRONG! I have been followed before. How can I calm down when I am followed or yell at through a door? If the person I am arguing with had learned the importance of cooling down before engaging in an angry conversation then they would know not to follow.

I’m left to navigate this strange world that didn’t want me before therapy and doesn’t want me after.

A friend and I have talked about having a coping and communication skills workshop for “day walkers” (as she calls them). It is important for EVERYONE to learn much of what some of us have had the opportunity to learn about in therapy. The skills I have learned can be applied to every aspect of my life and will help me succeed. You shouldn’t have to be “abnormal” to have the opportunity to learn something that can help everyone.

The “Logic” in Perceptions of Psychiatric Treatment

Since deciding to pursue psychiatric medication again I have been slapped in the face with a familiar “logic”.

Mental health treatment has a very much “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” attitude.

I saw this especially when I was in my teens and first entered the mental health system.

I was told by my “friends” that I was crazy, a psycho and that I should find help.

I found help. I began seeing a social work at school and outside of school. I also eventually started taking medication.

Instead of being patted on the back for doing something to improve my quality of life I was pushed away further!

I had gone from, “You are so sick you NEED help!” to “You are SO sick you need help!”

Can you see/hear the difference?

When I did not pursue treatment I was seen as careless, stupid, wanting attention and not caring for others.

When I did pursue treatment I was seen as truly crazy, dangerous and broken.

This is unacceptable! I will not sit by this time and let others scorn me for being a bitch with my anger and then further scorn me for trying another way to deal with it.

We cannot have this view off psychiatric treatment! It is extremely unproductive, counterproductive and defeats every purpose we have in having healthcare!

Treatment is there for us to become better people! Treatment is also there for us to say, “NO, we don’t want to do that!”

Treatment is there or not there for us to utilize! Treatment is not there to be used against us for utilizing it or not!

 

 

10 Common Therapy Myths

Top 10 Therapy Myths according to the Huffington Post

ONE

MYTH: Therapy Is Like Having A Paid Friend

FACT: There is huge difference between a therapist and your best friend. “There’s a myth that you pay someone to be nice to you and care for you — what I tell my clients is that you pay for time and expertise and the caring is free,” says Noah Rubinstein, founder and CEO of therapist directory GoodTherapy.org. Rubinstein adds, therapists are trained to avoid dual relationships and can’t see their clients outside of the office.

TWO

MYTH: Therapy Means You’re ‘Crazy’

FACT: Most people are raised to be independent and solve problems on their own. “Seeking help is not a sign of weakness and the truth is, we all suffer and getting help doesn’t mean you’re ‘crazy,’” Rubinstein says. He also adds that people at some point in time will go through periods of depression, hurt or feeling worried and mainstream media often has misconceptions of what a patient or client looks like. “Most people who go to therapists are ordinary everyday people. They don’t have manic episodes or are hospitalized — and I wouldn’t call this ‘crazy’ either,” he says.

THREE

MYTH: Therapy Is Endless

FACT: No, therapy isn’t a never-ending session that will take over your life. “A lot of people are afraid that if they go to therapy it will go on and on,” Rubinstein says. Depending on the type of therapist you see, therapists are trained to create a target plan of treatment. “Some people may never heal in this lifetime but for most people, the average therapy course is three or four months,” he says.

FOUR

MYTH: Therapy Will Cost A Fortune

FACT: Yes, seeing a therapist often can get expensive. Rubinstein suggests looking at your insurance providers to see if you can get benefits — relying solely on paying out of your own pocket can get costly. But he also advises a holistic view. “When you think about price, what’s the cost of not doing therapy? Your job performance?” he says. Think about how your distress many conflict with your work or relationship and then make a decision about pricing.

FIVE

MYTH: Therapists Will Blame You And Shame You

FACT: “This is something that comes directly out of Dr. Phil. Therapists are portrayed like Dr. Phil and he blames, shames and confronts his clients — this is not how therapy works,” Rubinstein says. Good therapy is about compassion, he adds, and is intended to let the client experience their own emotional breakthroughs at their own pace.

SIX

MYTH: Medication Is Just As Effective As Therapy

FACT: Rubinstein says that not all problems can be fixed with medication. “The medical model assumes that most psychological problems are caused by biochemistry, rather than viewing biochemical changes as a symptom, and can overlook the experience of losing jobs, divorce, deaths in the family etc.,” he says. Emotional stress, he notes, cannot be solved with just medication, and people relying solely on pills should look at their options for one-on-one therapy.

SEVEN

MYTH: Therapy Is Passive

FACT: Rubinstein says many people also think therapy is passive. Just think about all the scenes in movies or television shows where a therapist does nothing but nod his or her head. “Therapists are taught active listening skills and are trained to understand the client’s struggles,” he says.

EIGHT

MYTH: Therapy Is All Happy Thoughts

FACT: ‘Think happy thoughts…think happy thoughts.’ Yes, but not always. “Many new clients expect their therapist to change their perspective and convince them they should be happy. But therapy doesn’t work by thinking happy thoughts, In order to become happy, a person needs to face the parts of them that aren’t,” he says. Working with a client one-on-one, therapists are able to go through a person’s painful past and give them hope for a peaceful future.

NINE

MYTH: There’s Nothing You Can Do About The Past

FACT: There’s always an assumption that therapy is about moving forward and never looking back. “When we do this, our past still haunts us. Good therapy allows people to go to those places where they have been wounded and burned and resolve these feelings,” he says.

TEN

MYTH: Therapy Will Make Your Painful Problems Worse

FACT: Yes, you will go back into the past and yes, it may bring up some bad memories. But don’t be afraid. “Good therapists guide their clients through painful experiences, but in a way that is safe and not overwhelming.”

Thought 21: I’m Not That Difficult

Thought: In light of my past posts on the Borderline Basher I’ve become even more aware and irritated about the discrimination towards those experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder/Traits. I keep seeing posts and comments about how BPD is difficult to treat and why. It all just sounds like hate to me.

I say this out of rage, but I know people who do not have BPD and have been more difficult to treat professionally than I have! Many of the great examples of Borderline’s who bust their butts to become better people are followers of mine! You people are amazing!

I wish I could remember where I read this but somewhere on this vast internet, when I was first researching BPD after I was diagnosed, it said that Borderline’s may be more difficult to treat but once healing and learning begin they have one of the highest success rates!

Are we really that difficult to treat? Or, as I’m sure many of us feel and I swear it’s true, no one can effectively reach us!? I personally think it’s the last part. How Borderline of me to blame others for my down falls :p

I would love for this to be in my counsellor’s office!

Weekend Away

I’m back in Toronto tomorrow which is where my laptop is. I’m in Whitby right now visiting friends and family and due to my busy Friday (work and job interview) I didn’t bring my laptop along cause it’s so heavy! I’m using my Daddy’s!

Today is Mother’s Day and also I’m celebrating my birthday with my family since this is the only time! I made my Mom, Nanny and Nana Mother’s Day cards and I think they’re pretty awesome! I’m not very visually artistic but I do my best and have fun with it!

I love my Mom a lot! She’s always been there for me and if she ever needs me like that I’ll be there too <3

Yesterday some pretty fun things happened! I need new underwear (full disclosure). Mine don’t fit and I can’t keep walking around with underwear that keeps digging into my legs! My girl friend, Hilary, and I went to La Senza (lingerie, p-jays, basic undergarments, that kind of store) and they were selling 8 pairs of underwear for $28! I took them up on the offer and when I went to buy them the coupon, they had given me earlier upon entering the store, I had gave me a free pair! So now I have 9 new pairs and I’m happy!

BUT WAIT!!! IT GETS BETTER!

Hilary and I had been given raffle tickets to win a free bra from one of their collections. Long story short, I won the free bra! Clearly it pays off to come back to the store when no one else could be bothered because my ticket was the 4th to be called because no one else was there! WOOT!

So enough about what I wear under my clothes….

I have my second counselling session on Thursday. I need to call it counselling, I need to call her “my social worker” because I feel like “therapy” and “therapist” makes me sound like I’m completely broken. Sorry to anyone who feels comfortable using this language but I do not. I need counsel only and since I am a social worker myself I know what they are about and they are different from therapists so I’m calling it like it is.

I think I stupidly went back into counselling thinking that I could learn better coping skills without talking about what makes me angry or makes me cut. I was clearly wrong but now I’m faced with J wanting me to talk about things I don’t want to talk about because to me they don’t matter. I am worried that her desire to “explore” them will lead me to believe (and I’m already talking myself out of thinking this) that I have in fact “dissociated” (which is a term she used) instead of actually genuinely deciding that a certain event doesn’t bother me or isn’t worth my time. I don’t want to be pathologized for being ok and accepting that bad that has happened in my life!

I’m going to try to tell her on Thursday that there are things that I don’t want to talk about. There is no point in talking about something that I have accepted. Well, I guess, there is if it’s looking at how I came to accept those situations and not accept others. I could always put that spin on it myself.

Therapy Coverage

My Mom told me a few months ago that if she knew then what she knew now she would have pushed for the insurance company to cover more therapy. My current insurance would basically only cover 1 sessions a month. This is why I take the public route. I may have to wait a while to get it but once I’m in then I don’t need to worry about where the money will come from.

The Therapy Flaw

I don’t want to use this blog as a place to rant but I do feel that I cannot just talk about the issues or triumphs of mental health without talking about myself. Putting a face to this helps to educate people.

I have always been more of an advocate for therapy than I have for medication (explained in greater detail in another blog) but as I’ve come to question our mental health system more I am wondering if therapy is even right in the ways that I formerly thought.

I began seeing a social worker in 2003 when I was 14 years old. I would end up having two social workers through my school and three through an outpatient program. I didn’t leave therapy and the whole system until I was 18 or 19 years old.

I didn’t do well in therapy for the first two years but finally at 16 I decided enough was enough and I was, as they say, “sick of being sick.” Finally progress was made. I learned how to avoid being depressed:

-talk to a friend

-journal

-sing

-go for a walk

It became easier to do these things to help lift my depression when I wasn’t on medication.

Good or bad, I don’t know, but going off medication and then experiencing a trauma turned me into a different person (literally in the sense that I developed a different personality which I will also blog about later). This is when I turned “borderline”, at around 17 years old, and I developed a confidence and an anger that drove me to question why I had been treated so horribly by the people who were supposed to be my friends. This is when I realized therapy was failing me.

The therapy I was receiving was based around what I could do to improve my life. That’s all fine and dandy until I’m faced with person after person who will do nothing to help me. I was supposed to fit in and if I didn’t then I wasn’t trying hard enough. Everyday I tried to fit into the mold and I would fail and I still fail. I was and still am being held to standards that I can’t met instead of the standards being tailored to fit me.

I never learned how to be angry or be sad. The focus was always how to shut it off. I shouldn’t have to always shut it off! This is why I will still spiral into quick depressions and hot rages. The thoughts of suicide come back. That will never be an action again but the thoughts are extremely painful to sit through, especially alone because I’ve usually done something to drive away the person I need most at that time.

Why couldn’t there be a lesson on how my friends and family should interact with me? I can’t practice what I’ve learned when many around me still push me down by a lack of support and understanding. How can I put a smile on my face when I’m being called crazy or when I explain how to properly deal with me when I’m in a rage and no one does it. It makes me the failure again even though I’ve tried.

Therapy is social control. It tells you how you’re supposed to be. Well, how you’re saying I’m supposed to be isn’t working. It is not just my responsibility, we all have the responsibility to help each other recover. If I’m going to put in the effort to fit into this constricted world the least people could do is help me out. This lack of support in what I’ve learned did lead me to essentially recover on my own and I often wonder if I wold be further along or experienced less pain if I had, had more  good people by my side.

It’s horrible realizing that no matter how hard you try to be the right person it is not right. The person you tried to create in therapy gets broken down and the person you are naturally you’re told is just a disaster.

This is just another example of how society will just always push down those who are at the extremes of emotion, mood and behaviour.

Usually these normal people are crazier than I am. These therapists live in a world that is impossible to live in, a hallucination so to speak. We’re all living in a hallucination of normalcy.

Just let me be me cause according to our system I need to let you be you.

I would recommend peer support. A group of people who are also or have also experience mental illness. It’s a support that you can’t even imagine!