Another down moment, well I haven’t really gotten out of the earlier one, just shoved it aside to get myself to believe that it was gone.
I realized this a few years ago and I feel like it just keeps getting more and more confirmed. I’m a great theory.
People seem to have these idea of who I am based off of how I describe myself and then shortly after meeting me after I get comfortable with them, I don’t want to say that I become myself but I become my reserved self. This leads to let downs.
The anger, the sadness, even laziness I guess. It all comes out once I’m comfortable. I can rationalized it out, and it’s most likely the truth, that I don’t certain things anymore because they were outlets for when I was self destruction. They trigger. I hate being triggered.
So I describe myself in these awesome fun ways and I do not deliver and I wish I did. I try to but I’m so afraid of falling back in old bad habits. I can’t find a middle ground, but I haven’t really tried because I’m worried of fucking up trying to find it.
I still have fine self esteem. I know that I am still a good person and well liked but I feel that without a doubt I’ll never get married and have kids. It’s a horrible feeling especially thinking no one will want to share children with me because I need to have them in my life eventually.
I’m too much of a hassle. Who wants a constant hassle in their life? I have no choice but to live with myself but everyone else can choose to leave and I hate them for it. I’m only great for so long.
In theory I’m amazing, I’m everything a man could want until he sees that I’m not. I’m already trying to figure out what I’ll do with myself if I can’t reach those certain goals.
I wish I wasn’t a theory. I’m getting emotional so I can’t really form good sentences right now.