This post is inspired on what I’m currently experiencing and the blog You Know You’re Borderline When…
I’ve been busy babysitting so I haven’t been able to post longer entries or think about how to phrase what I’m feeling. I’ve just been feeling and it sucks, especially since I noticed I’m developing a habit of not wanting to talk about why I’m upset. I’m content to sit and stew in it and attempt to forget it. I can see now that I’ve spent a lot of time forgetting things I possibly shouldn’t. Forgetting isn’t dealing.
Anyways, the link I posted got me thinking about how I am sometimes overly nice and overly mean.
“You know you’re borderline when your friend tells you her good news and immediately you’re seething with jealousy.” -You Know You’re Borderline When…, March 12, 2012
I am a very empathetic person. I care a lot of people, especially those I am close to. It greatly pains me to see them hurt and I will, most of the time stupidly, take on their pain and make it my own. I want to fix their problems so they can be happy.
Then there is the flip side. From one extreme to the other. I don’t want to call it “jealousy” because I see jealousy as “I don’t want my boyfriend talking to other girls”. I prefer to call it unfairness because when I break it down it always comes back to “why can’t I have that?” This is why I can be very mean and be a “bitch” or “heartless”
The unfairness I feel is usually based around whether or not I have felt fulfilled in that area of my life. I’m not talking little things like “she has clothes I want or he has a job that pays me more.” It’s more like the big life things like love for example.
I have been let down, left behind and treated like crap for too long and I find myself wondering when will I get certain things in my life that I feel I deserve.
This probably sounds selfish and that’s mostly because I’m not prepared to give specific examples which would help make what I’m saying more understandable. I don’t like feeling upset when someone else is happy because I can’t stop thinking “why won’t that happen to me?” or “when will I get to have/do that?”
It’s painful because it comes down to feeling worthless and undeserving. I can usually dance around the issue, have a rant about it, and try to make the situation seem stupid but I’m having trouble doing that this week and allowing the actual core of the problem to stay with me.
If that’s good or bad, I don’t know.