I could safely say that as I entered young adulthood my depression left. This is great because I wasn’t doing well being depressed 24/7. In the chaos of changing from a girl based on sadness to a woman based on anger I think I lost my ability to write fiction.
At first I blamed going to university. I didn’t have to write stories for fun, it was always about essays. I tried to write fiction, I really did. I had a few good ideas but couldn’t get them down. I thought writing short stories would be my best bet but again I couldn’t find the words.
Recently I began wondering if depression had fueled that part of my creativity. I desperately wanted to escape so I would write fiction stories where I made then end the way I wanted my own life to end, with some great guy coming to save me and make me better. It always worked out for the main character in my story.
My biggest achievement was my 148 page story called Kendra Typhon and the….something to do with a snake, I don’t remember. It was a massive rip off of Harry Potter but I worked very hard on developing my own magical world. What I liked about Kendra was that she was the daughter of her world’s Voldemort and she is terrified of turning evil like her mother. Oh she always had purple eyes and a pet dragon that she could talk too My friend drew the pictures for me! It was amazing!
I know that if I sat down and tried I could write fiction. I know this because I have but they’ve been because they’re assignments. This anger took something but it didn’t just leave a hole because now I do this writing, all the non-fiction I could ever want. The problem with this writing is that I have no control over it, it doesn’t always work out in the end and I’m constantly engrossed in a world that sometimes makes me not want to be here.
Maybe this can be a part of my self care, writing fiction. Maybe this weekend I’ll make myself sit down and do a story based off of a picture like what I said I would do many months back. I was very proud of my first and only Weekly Writing Challenge. I know I have it in me.
(This blog post was inspired by: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrew-shaffer/writers-and-antidepressants_b_2966368.html)
At first she tried to tell me that the boy was mine. We both knew I was sterile. “God has cured you,” she said through tears. I just stared at her. She tried again. “Our prayers have been answered!” “I haven’t been praying.” I replied, my voice cold. She sighed, wiped away her tears and explained what happened. The boy is not my child.
When the girl came she at least didn’t pretend. “This is how it is supposed to be.” I didn’t believe her but I nodded anyway. The girl is not my child.
Every year she begs me to take these pictures to celebrate another year of school beginning. A proud father; I play the role well. They are not even my children. Damn my Catholic faith! Damn it to hell! I should have divorced her for her adultery but the priest babbled on about a man’s duty as a husband and a Catholic. They are not even my children.
This isn’t new but I wanted to share some of what is being said about Bic Pens for Her.
Here are some product reviews from Amazon!
FINALLY! August 24, 2012
Where has this pen been all my life???
If you identify as male do NOT use this product.
The “for her” label is not just a gimmick exploiting archaic gender constructs, it’s a WARNING. Even if you’re a boy who likes pastels and glitter (which really I don’t see why you shouldn’t, what kind of moron thinks that only girls would like that kind of thing? seems kind of backwards to me) this pen is NOT for you. I don’t know why they didn’t put a clearer warning on the label, they really should have because if you are a boy and use this pen you put yourself at great risk. My little brother turned into a unicorn after I lent him one, and my friend told me that a boy in her class grew fairy wings in the middle of a test.
I’m serious, guys, be careful, these really are just “for her”! BIC, please, recall this product until you’ve made the warning more explicit to avoid more tragedy!!!
I brought my library book back and I’m not reading until my new book (which isn’t about murder) arrives. This could be tomorrow but I really want to start focusing on that article I said I was going to write and submit to the Huffington Post.
I started it but then became emotionally distracted.
Hopefully I can get something.
A friend of mine has been suggesting that I check out blogging opportunities on The Huffington Post . Only recently did I stumble across their blog pitch form. I can send them an idea or the whole post and they’ll decide if they want it.
I don’t know what to write.
I know I have a whole blog but I need to submit focused ideas and ones that will most likely lead to publication.
I have 4 ideas so far an I would really appreciate feedback!
- The pressures of recovery: What recovery means, how its a loaded word and what recovery should be (an individual experience)
- Who is the problem a problem for: Can some of us be “disordered” and it not matter? What makes a disorder and how we could be people with unique brain chemistry.
- Self harm: My journey with self harm and how I eventually stopped.
- What having a mental illness taught me: Bring out all the positives, for example, I have learned how to listen, how to properly communicate, how to be empathetic etc.
LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK!!!
One of my favourite possession are my journals! I have gr.9-present. I used to have grade 7 and 8 but I threw them out because they were full of horrible things! So are these ones but I don’t, I guess I felt it better to get rid of them.
I realized that one of the best ways for me to remember and explain how I used to see life is through these journals. I further realized that the pictures, words and poems I put inside and outside the journals are maybe even more telling. The quick glimpses are sometimes the best ones.
I have not been abused
Yet I cut myself
And now I wanna do it again
I’ve had it far too good
And now I just feel guilty
And that makes it worse
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
(No idea who wrote that. My citing skills didn’t really exist back then!)
Tuesday June 22, 2004
I made 3 of my knuckles bruise and 1 of the 3 bleed. There’s blood on my mirror.
I think the lonely summer hours are getting to me! Everyone is either gone out or at school! It’s giving me way to much time to think!!!I can’t stop thinking about suicide! I really want to cut myself! I haven’t cut since me and K started going out. That’s almost 1 month and three weeks in 2 days. Another thing I’ve been doing lately is either listening to my music in the dark or listening to my music, while writing depressing stuff with just my lamp on. I’ve also been punching my mirror and walls. I love punching my mirror. It’s obvious why. Glass cuts. I found a blade on top of my TV. I took it. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna use it but I have the same feeling in my stomach. Deep down, the nervous one I’ve felt many times before.
When you go back and read what you’ve written in the past do you recognize yourself? I don’t. I read through my journals and I can’t imagine that person ever being me. I want to reach through the pages and grab this girl and tell her that her life got better in the hopes that she would believe me.
Maybe I’ll rewrite more past journal entries since I’m all about being open and not hiding the darkness. I don’t want to forget what it was like to be depressed.
I do not want only my voice to be heard. Everyone has something worth sharing and its important for everyone to have a place to tell their experiences. So please, I would like to share your knowledge and experience on Pride In Madness.
You can remain anonymous if you want and you do not have to share any bits that you do not want to.
Topics to consider:
- experiences of addictions
- experiences of concurrent/dual diagnosis
- experiences of any/all mental illnesses (eating disorders, mood disorders, personality disorders, psychosis, schizophrenia etc)
- experiences of stigma
- experiences of treatment (traditional or alternative)
- experiences of recovery
- what you say to people with stigmatizing views
- your view on psychiatry and the mental health system
- experiences of a loved one having mental health or addictions issues
This is just to get you thinking! I’m opening to anything on the topics of mental health, recovery, stigma and all positive things
If you are interested drop me a comment, FB message or if you have my email send me an email!