I don’t usually feel this sad for this long, at least maybe not since I started writing this blog so bear with me if this is a massive pity party and attempt to form sentences.
I feel horrible. I feel….I’m feeling to much but it feels like very little. it might be because I’m used to explosions, I’m used to big feelings so feeling something closer to numb makes me feel tiny.
I could not move from the couch and stare at the wall all day.
It’s not fair.
I think what’s made this worse was hearing my social worker, J, empathize with me. I was joking about that last night with Michael. “Is is wrong to want to go to therapy because you know that they’re going to validate everything you feel?” We laughed about it but it did feel great to hear J say, “I can understand why you’re angry after some of the things you’ve gone through.”
Fuck yes I’m angry!
Just something about hearing her say it…It’s like I realized how much I hide. I don’t think I’ve ever faced anything that has hurt me because I was always so desperate to figure out how to stop the pain. There’s nothing wrong with feeling pain. I just need a safe place to feel it and I don’t have that place.
I laugh to much at what should pain me and it’s not because I’m over it, it’s because I want to be over it. I want to forget it. I know that I can’t change the past but I’m finding it easier to gloss over the shit so I can keep going.
I’m mad as hell.
I’m upset that doctors never took me seriously. Now we’re all into youth mental health in Canada but I’m not a youth anymore. Left behind….
I’m upset that my peers shit on me for being different.
I’m upset that I’m a hypocrite! Telling myself that it doesn’t matter what doctors say, it’s what I think that matters but then I desperately want them to admit that I’m ok, that I just have some issues, not an illness. I hate that I’ve been told I need their validation. Because I don’t.
What a down day I’m in for. Only for today! That’s my maximum.
