Stop Caring!: Battling Judgement

We all make judgments. If you believe that you do not make judgements then you are lying to yourself. That is a fact, not a judgement because judgements are our first reaction to something and we have little to no control over our first reactions.  The important part with judgements is to not let them influence us and destroy the lives our lives and the lives of others.

Image: a hand pointing with the index finger.

Since I started learning DBT skills with DBT Path and now with Dialectical Living I have been working on reducing my judgements. Non-Judgmentally is a mindfulness skill and part of our suffering can definitley come from being judgmental towards others, ourselves and situations. I became aware of my judgments very quickly earlier this year when it was suggested in my Skills Group with DBT Path that we count how many judgments we make a day. By the time I got to 10 judgments in less than 5 minutes I thought to myself, “Alright, I get it. No more counting, I make too many judgments.”

I challenge my judgments towards others daily. If someone says something I don’t like, is wearing something I think is ugly etc. I catch myself and think inside my mind, “Oh stop it! What you’re judging DOES NOT MATTER! You are not being hurt, the thing you are judging has very little consequence in your life. Just drop it.” I say this without judging myself for having the judgment.

Image: “Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman

Where I am still struggling to reduce judgments is towards myself and certain loved ones. It makes sense that reducing judgments in these two areas would be more difficult because I am closer to them and the actions of others and myself have more of an impact. In this case, I try to be more compassionate and understanding towards the other person’s perspective. This is difficult and possible. The judgments towards myself will probably take longer but I am starting with small judgments and working my way up.

Motherhood & Madness: What I do want to hear when I’m struggling to become pregnant


Yesterday, I posted about the things people say to support me that I do not want to hear. While these statements are well-meaning, they actually invalidate my current situation and do not make me feel better. If I am going to discuss what I don’t want to hear it is important to discuss what I do want to hear as I struggle to become pregnant.

“That sucks.”

Say it like it is. It does suck! B and I went into this thinking it would ‘just happen’. I figured that maybe it would take two months to become pregnant. This is not the case and it sucks. 

“I’m here if you need to talk.”

It may surprise some people, but I do want to talk about this. Letting me know that you are available for that will mean the world.

“Do you want help finding resources?”

This is another great way to show me that you are there for me. Maybe you know someone who has had similar struggles and could connect me with them. I want to learn about fertility clinics, meet others who are or have struggled to become pregnant and read about fertility issues.

“I can relate.”

If you can relate, please tell me! We don’t need to go through this alone.

“No matter what it takes you will become a parent.”

I very much want to hear that there are many ways to become a parent with each of them being valid. Sometimes I need the reminder that there is hope and that I have the strength to keep going until I have the family I deserve.

If you struggled with becoming pregnant or starting your family (ie: through adoption, surrogacy etc.) what did people say to you that was helpful?


Motherhood & Madness: What I don’t want to hear while I’m struggling to become pregnant


I recently connected with a friend who is having issues with becoming pregnant. It was amazing to know that someone who I physically know can relate to what I am going through. One of the frustrations we shared with each other was the way people support us. While I know people mean well it is not validating at all to hear the following.

“Don’t worry, it will happen, you’re young.”

“Just relax and stop thinking about it.”

“You get to have a lot of sex!” 

“Just enjoy the process.”

“Enjoy it just being the 2 of you for longer.”

Image: a pregnancy test that reads “Not Pregnant”.

All of these are the fertility version of “Think positive” and “Some people have it worse” for mental health. Saying these ignore the physical and emotional toll of trying to become pregnant.

“Don’t worry, it will happen.”

It’s been 6 months and it’s not happening. This often comes from people who got pregnant right away or from those who are not trying to become pregnant. I can only imagine that when you are the 1+ year mark of trying to become pregnant this statement is like a dagger. Clearly our age does not matter because we’re still not pregnant.

“Just relax and stop thinking bout it.”

Done and done. Nothing. How can I not think about becoming pregnant? I want this really badly and there is some science behind how to conceive. I need to think about that! The longer is takes the more I can’t relax. I’m thinking of all the things that could be wrong and what I should do about them! This is normal!

“You get to have a lot of sex!”

Oh please….just don’t say this. It is so devasting to know that you’ve had a lot of sex, that you’ve had sex the way fertility books say you should and then you get your period. Also, we don’t want to have sex all the time. We have things to do!

“Just enjoy the process.”

Same as above. This process is emotionally and physically taxing.

“Enjoy it just being the 2 of you for longer.”

NO!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! We want it to be the 3 of us! We wouldn’t be trying to become pregnant if we wanted it to be the 2 of us for a longer amount of time!!!!!! I’ve had 6 months more than we wanted of the 2 of us! I want to reach our final 9 months of the 2 of us!


Some people will even say that 6 months is not a long time. That’s your business and I don’t want to hear it.

I will explore what I would like to hear in my next post.


If you struggled with becoming pregnant or starting your family (ie: through adoption, surrogacy etc.) what did people say to you that wasn’t helpful?


Sidenote: In the new year, if B and I are still not pregnant we are going to go to a fertility clinic.

Motherhood & Madness: I’m Not Alone in the Struggle


Regardless of the experience, I have never been a fan of the saying, “You’re not alone.” I have always found it to be a self-absorbed statement. How in the hell could someone think that they are the only ones struggling with something? Despite this thought process, I do find myself consistently telling myself that I am alone in experiencing certain situations. I have felt alone in being a suicide attempt survivor. I have felt alone in experiencing Borderline Personality Disorder. I have felt alone in experiencing an emotionally abusive relationship. More recently, I have felt alone in my struggle to become pregnant. It hit me last night that it is not that I actually think I am alone in an experience, rather that I am the only person in my circle of friends that may have this experience. Some of my experiences are taboo to talk about and even among friends, this can increase the sense of loneliness.

Last night, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw this graphic on a friend’s profile.

Image: Women silhouetted in white pushing baby strollers in 3 rows. In the middle of the second row, there is a woman silhouetted in black standing with her hand on her hip. Beside her, it reads “I’m the 1 in 8”.

The comments left on her Facebook, along with her own comment, told me that she was experiencing issues with becoming pregnant. I quickly sent her a message and told her that if this was her experience I could relate. What ensued was an amazing conversation about our frustrations, people’s attempts to make us feel better and our hope of one day becoming Mothers. We both expressed how happy we were to know this about the other and have someone to talk to. I go into today with a new sense of calm, knowing that someone I personally know understands the disappointment, pain and strength. We both know that we will do whatever it takes to become Mothers.



I’ll bring my SEXY back: My first pole dancing experience

Image: Brass Vixens logo, a star with a circle and a person pole dancing in the center of the star.

Last night, I went to Brass Vixens with a friend, C, for my first ever beginner pole dancing class. C had mentioned going to a PinUp Pole class she took last Friday and when I expressed interest she agreed to come along and it is now going to be our weekly outing! I have been wanting to get out of the house more and I can’t think of a better way than with a friend, exercising our bodies in one of the most fun ways possible!

When  I first arrived I was nervous. I knew that I was out of shape and the thought of others seeing this was horrifying. The staff were really nice and I began to get the sense that I was safe here. When C and I went into the class and I got my first look at the pole I was excited. I played scenes in my head of one day being able to do a whole routine which would not just mean looking sexy but also having strength in my body. From the moment the teacher started our warm up I knew I was going to hurt the next day. She taught us a few floor moves which made me realize I am not as aware of my body as I would like to be. We also learned how to walk around the pole, do a floor spin into it and also the fireman spin. It was so much fun and I can’t wait to practice once my arms can support my weight again :P

At one point during the class, I briefly became overwhelmed. I was judging myself harshly and these judgments confirmed that I do not believe I am sexy. Not only that, but that I have not felt sexy many years. When I was younger, I did not hesitate with my body. I knew how it moved, I knew what it was doing and most importantly, I knew inside that I was sexy. The emotional abuse I endured in the past upon leaving high school has taken a toll on my body image and self-worth. When you are told by someone who is supposed to love you that their attention and affection need to be earned and used as a control tactic it is very difficult to still see yourself as sexy, desirable, and anything other than a disappointment. I realized all of this in seconds of watching my body move in the mirror.

I had to shake my head and tell myself to stop those thoughts. I reminded myself that what people in the past have told me directly or indirectly about my self-worth and body is wrong. I told myself to not compare myself to my classmates. I told myself to just listen to the music and move. I reminded myself that I wanted to take pole dancing because I knew it would strengthen me physically and emotionally. I knew that it would tap into a side of me that has been dormant for a long time. As an added bonus, the class brought me into the present. After a month of feeling disconnected from the world, I felt connected as my mind focused on my body, the pole and the music. I am still feeling connected.

I will get my sexy back!

I hope to pole dance like these amazing teachers one day and I also want to try Lyra :)


Things I Don’t Get

Image: a white and orange, long-haired kitten. Text: “I’m confus”.

Getting Through Anxiety did a post on funny things they don’t get (follow them also!!!). Their list was funny, logical and made me realize that I don’t get some of those things either. Here is my own list! Let me know what you think. I would love to hear the things you don’t get also :p

  1. Why do people text, “Can I call you?” before phoning them? What happened to just calling the person and seeing if they pick up?
  2. Hashtags….do I need to explain this?
  3. Why did music artists stop doing awesome dances in their music videos? One day I turned the tv on and everyone was standing or just shuffling from side to side.
  4. Ripped jeans. Why buy your pants ripped? Rip your own pants! Why would you even want ripped pants?
  5. Paying for virtual things. All those Facebook games and even others like WOW and LOL, spending sometimes hundreds of dollars on things that you will never actually own because they are just computer programming…
  6. People who push their dogs in a stroller. If the dog has mobility issues that’s fine but for those who do not I don’t understand. Dogs should be dogs and walk around!
  7. Those massive cell phones that are the size of your face. I thought cell phones were supposed to be small or at least not look like tablets of or small laptops?

If they are not here then they are gone

Image: a baby making a confused face. The text reads, “You mean to tell me you don’t go anywhere when we play peekaboo?”

Babies learn something called object permanence. Object permanence is knowing that something or someone still exists even if you cannot see it (hear it, smell it, touch it etc.). Peek-a-boo is one of the best games to play with babies to teach them object permanence. When it comes to people, especially primary care providers for babies, it is important for them to know that just because someone leaves it does not mean they are gone. This is part of the reason why babies cry when a person leaves. This understanding builds healthy attachments. It is important for a baby to learn that when the one they love leaves they will come back.

Object permanence got me thinking about where some of my attachment issues some from although, from a more emotional place. My interpersonal relationships mean a lot to me. I enjoy having frequent contact with friends and family and when this contact decreases I begin to feel very detached from them. I have no doubt that this is normal as relationships need to be fueled in order to survive. Where I start becoming stressed is when I start feeling this detachment from someone who I see or speak to frequently.

This detachment comes in the form of feeling and thinking that this person does not exist in my life. It is as if they are a distant memory, not that they just left my presence 5 minutes ago. It is equally distressing because when they are present I find it difficult to believe that they are there. It’s like a dream. Just yesterday I found myself looking B while we watching a tv show, completely overwhelmed that he was physically in my presence. While he has spent a lot of his time working I do believe that this should not lead me to be so facinated that he is physically in front of me. Looking at my boyfriend should not feel overwhelming and unbelievable, like I’m looking at a unicorn for the first time.

I do not like beleiving that if someone is not physically or emotionally connecting with me 24/7 that they do not exist. Awareness if the first step so I hope that I can figure out how to work through this. I think a review of mindfulness skills is in order.