It’s one of those mornings where you wake up and you say to yourself, “Why? Why did I have to wake up?”
I can bounce back from this, don’t get me wrong. I guess I’m just trying to “welcome” these feelings. Ha, even when I type that I laugh and say “bullshit” to myself.
Fight last night.
I wonder if I’m right or have “good reason” for getting upset. To the extent that I can, I know it isn’t appropriate but a major instigator of how upset I get is whether or not I feel validated in my reason. In my eyes that doesn’t happen often, if at all.
I know it’s not supposed to be about winning or losing, right or wrong but for years I have just been bending over backwards, giving everything and getting nothing, that I would just love it if for once someone could say to me, “You know? You’re right, I’m very sorry I did that.”
I know I say that a lot.
I couldn’t even explain this properly, you really have to be there in the moment probably.
To my credit, I did remain fairly calm during the fight. I didn’t start crying and such until I felt that I had exhausted myself and wasn’t getting anywhere.
I feel hopeless but I know that in typical Kristen fashion none of this will matter in a few hours. A flip will be switched and I won’t care. I am limitless in the amount of pain I will put myself through because I can so easily shrug it off. I dwell on the stupid stuff, let it tear me apart, but forget the important. I think that’s how I stay “safe”.
Time for a guided meditation.