They Say It’s Not About Winning Or Losing

It’s one of those mornings where you wake up and you say to yourself, “Why? Why did I have to wake up?” 

I can bounce back from this, don’t get me wrong. I guess I’m just trying to “welcome” these feelings. Ha, even when I type that I laugh and say “bullshit” to myself.

Fight last night.

I wonder if I’m right or have “good reason” for getting upset. To the extent that I can, I know it isn’t appropriate but a major instigator of how upset I get is whether or not I feel validated in my reason. In my eyes that doesn’t happen often, if at all.

I know it’s not supposed to be about winning or losing, right or wrong but for years I have just been bending over backwards, giving everything and getting nothing, that I would just love it if for once someone could say to me, “You know? You’re right, I’m very sorry I did that.”

I know I say that a lot.

I couldn’t even explain this properly, you really have to be there in the moment probably.

To my credit, I did remain fairly calm during the fight. I didn’t start crying and such until I felt that I had exhausted myself and wasn’t getting anywhere.

I feel hopeless but I know that in typical Kristen fashion none of this will matter in a few hours. A flip will be switched and I won’t care. I am limitless in the amount of pain I will put myself through because I can so easily shrug it off. I dwell on the stupid stuff, let it tear me apart, but forget the important. I think that’s how I stay “safe”.

Time for a guided meditation.

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9 thoughts on “They Say It’s Not About Winning Or Losing

  1. I’m having one of those “Why did I have to wake-up?” moments today, in fact. I remember seeing a therapist once that told me that one of my big problems is that I deal with “justice issues”, that I deal in the right & wrong of issues…and truthfully, he was correct, because it is black and white that way – either, or – a yes or no decision. Those things are easy to deal with. It’s the struggles of relationships that are never black and white, unfortunately. I also heard the expression one time, “You can be right or you can be happy, but sometimes not both…” Ultimately, it boils down to what is truly important to the self, huh?

    But on the other hand, it is nice knowing that your feelings matter and that the issue isn’t so much about being right as it is about knowing your feelings about an issue are relevant… That is something I struggle with in my own relationship.

    Well, I hope your day is develops into a better one!

    • I had a psychiatrist ask me once what makes me rage and I told him that it’s when I feel an injustice has been done. I hear you on the “justice issue”. I do think a lot of this just comes down to facts that I have to accept.

      My day did get better and I hope yours did too!

  2. Hope your feeling better. I wish people would say “You know? You’re right, I’m very sorry I did that.” that’s be awesome and so validating unfortunately that doesn’t happen often. I don’t know the situation but maybe you could try to validate yourself, or tell the story to someone who could help by saying you were right, that is of course if you were 😉

  3. I pretty much have one of those days any day I work, I hate waking up so I can go a hostile place of employment..

    I hope things are looking up for you.

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