I Don’t Want To Play This Game Anymore

I guess part of the reason why I stopped blogging was because I would just talk about how sad I am and that is neither productive or interesting. A person can only say in so many words that they’re sad before it’s best to just be quiet about it.

What am I going to do about it? I’m at the point of where I would rather sit and stare at the ceiling. Will I always go through periods of intense suicidal fantasies? Will I always be on the edge of falling off the cliff? Will I be doomed to unmedicated rages or medicated sadness?

I know the answer to those questions is no but I’m in the head space that tells me yes which makes me want to give in and give up. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist but in typical mental health fashion that appointment won’t happen until August.

I think I need a vacation.

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23 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Play This Game Anymore

    • I’ll see what I can pull! I know at one point during the summer I’m going to go somewhere but for now I’ll have to make do with going to visit my parents!

      Thanks for commenting!

  1. I did the same thing. I stopped blogging as a result of not having anything positive or interesting to write. I felt like, if I didn’t have anything of substance to contribute, then I shouldn’t be doing it.

    Here’s the thing, and I’ve read so many articles about the detriment of social media in society. Social media has conditioned us to think that everyone around us lives these wonderful lives. Then, we start developing this idea that we’re somehow lacking, because we live real life, chock full of the darker side. Then, we stop sharing, because we have this idea that we’re not going to live up to that standard of the perfect life. It’s like the 1950’s social scene where everyone has these great dinner parties, romantic marriages, and perfectly behaved children. Oh, and we all look fantastic 100% of the time.

    Somehow, we’re being robbed of the “real” in real life anymore. Remember the sitcoms of the 90’s, like “Roseanne”, “Married with Children”, and “My So Called Life” that depicted impoverished families, marital strife, misbehaved children, and miserable jobs? When did that go away? Oh, that’s right, when Facebook started boasting pictures of all of our friend’s best blowout parties, fairytale weddings, cute babies, and adventurous vacations.

    Oh that’s right, those pictures didn’t include the drama. I have some great pictures of my husband’s recent birthday party that don’t include how I ended up spending the last part of my evening throwing up from way too much alcohol. My wedding was largely a disaster, but I won’t go into that. My cute baby has autism, and for a very long time I didn’t mention it on social media. And though I haven’t taken a vacation since my honeymoon, I can tell you all of the insane things that happened, like walking 15 blocks to find a restaurant and losing the safe key.

    For awhile, I was hooked on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”. What a lie! How many pregnant girls have that kind of support system? The figures show that the greater majority don’t finish high school, and have a difficult time finding gainful employment. Not a single one of them was drinking, doing drugs, or smoking. And not a single one of them had a serious mental health issue.

    So, let’s strive to keep it real. I may not go into great detail when I’m describing the challenging that I’m facing. But I don’t deny that they are happening. Don’t deny yourself that. And don’t let anyone make you feel like it’s not worth writing about. This is our medium.

    • I could not adequately express how much your comment means to me. I feel there is extra pressure when it’s mental health related that I constantly show that I am successful so I don’t feed stereotypes and so people can see that it’s not all bad. Screw that though at this point. I’m miserable and that’s that!

      I loved shows like Rosanne and Married With Children! I do become quickly annoyed at the tv shows they have out now, especially for children, which constantly depict rich people suffering through rich problems and everyone getting along fairly well, with fights lasting a total of 2 seconds. I refused to watched Secret Life of the American Teenager for the reasons you mentioned! The support given in that show was unbelievable! I’m sure there are some teens who have amazing support networks and I’m glad they do but many do not and I always felt like that show (and Teen Mom) glamourized teen pregnancy and didn’t actually always get down to the actual issues that face teen parents, their children and families/loved ones.

      I’ve always been real. I may complain about it or be vague sometimes but I know that if I’m not real then no one will know the truth. That’s important to me.

  2. I can understand why you would prefer to not go for your appointment. It is hard to help yourself get up when you feel so far down. Maybe you should go for your appointment so that you can inspire others who are in a similar position as you are. More people need to know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Sometimes we have to do difficult things for things to get easier.

  3. Yes, we all need a vacation from our selves 🙂 You said, “I know the answer to those questions is no.” You so sure of that? I’m in my mid 50’s and I still feel what you do and dread the next possible 30 years of life. However, pot/weed has helped me a great deal, it took me a while to try it, now I kick myself for waiting this long as no medications have ever worked for me. No more migraines, no more back pain, sound sleeping now . . . This is the best I’ve have ever felt. When I was a teen, I dreaded my 20’s, then in my 20’s I knew I’d be dead by 30, then 30 came around and things were really bad, hospital stays, mental health nonsense, then the 40’s things were bitter sweet, now in my 50’s PLEASE GAWD TAKE ME!!! I”M READY!
    So even with the pot helping so much, we’ve lost all our umph to try anymore. Sooo tired. Maybe it needs more time. like they say, take the drug for 4 weeks to see how it works. 2 more weeks to go! I should be healed at this rate!
    I hope you are right that you will not always be like this. I hope the drug manufacturers really are looking for a way to minimize our pain and help us be productive humans, but somehow, I think they are using the mentally ill as experimental bunnies to see what happens to them using these drugs. I do not trust them, they are too heavily funded by companies without good ethics.
    good luck to you sweet young lady.

    • I do not trust the drug companies either. Cures don’t make money, illness and disease do. Even when something goes bad with their drugs they say it’s “rare” or especially in the case of mental health they blame the disorder. The last time I experienced extreme suicidal thoughts of psych drugs that’s what the psychiatrist did, blamed my diagnosis and increased my dose which lead to a suicide attempt. I’m trying to make sure I don’t get to that point.

      I know many people who have been helped by pot, just I’m not one of them. Probably because I started smoking it so young it messed with my brain wiring. i’m glad it can provide respite from some of your physical pain. Like you mentioned, sometimes as time goes on it just doesn’t seem to end!

      Thank you very much for your comment and support! xoxo

  4. That’s a really hard place to be. And August is SO far away. Mental health systems seem to have no appreciation of just how far away it is. I hope time eases the pain in the meantime. ❤

  5. Let’s go to the ocean. The cradle of life. Not belittling or making light of what you’re dealing with, it’s just been so hard for me to keep fighting lately too. To sit by the sea, listen to the waves. . . Or whatever your equivalent is, you know?

  6. Any chance you can take a quick trip somewhere to try and relax somewhere? I do that sometimes, sometimes just staying in a hotel to just let myself relax a bit for reality.

  7. Since I’ve been away I’ve learned so much and I have information that will surprise you. I know you and I’ve watched you struggle and fall just like me.

    You’re not mad or crazy. You just have been told that for so long and written about it for so long that you have become your perceived identity.

    I have so much to tell you;)

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