I am sometimes laughed at for the “easy” decisions that I cannot make in my life. Something as “simple” as picking a restaurant can cause me a great amount of stress. I’m not just talking, “Oh this is a stressful decision,” I’m talking brain overload, tears and a huge knot in my chest and stomach. The reason why this happens is because of the questions people ask me about my decisions.
I understand and appreciate it when my decisions are questioned. It is through questioning our decisions we learn about how we think, what motivates us, problem solving etc. These are all necessary things in order to develop critical thinking and confidence in our explanation of our decisions. I think people went over board with me. It never seemed to be just simple questioning (“Why did you do that?”), it is the simple question combined with letting me know that what they would have done was better.
I cannot make decisions because too many people have told me my decisions are wrong. I cannot make decisions because too many people have been hurt by my decisions (even if that means they did not enjoy their meal at the restaurant I chose). Combine that with my constant fear of letting people down and you have a recipe for disaster.
Even when I feel good about my decisions and go forward without questioning myself or asking others for validation someone has to chime in and explain to me how I’m incorrect.
For example, I made chicken for lunch today and used a metal pan. Originally I picked up an aluminum type pan and put the chicken inside it to see if two would fit. I decided they did not and used the metal pan. The chicken was cooking and I was in the process of making a grocery list when my partner came into the kitchen, say the aluminum pan and said, “Why didn’t you use that one?” I explained that the chicken didn’t fit. He told me that it does. I said again that I did not believe that it did. He then started telling me that I just created a dish that was going to be more work to clean and to use the aluminum pan. I told him I wasn’t bothered by the so-called extra work and that the chicken was getting cooked anyways. He repeated that I should of used the aluminum pan. I tried to emotionally keep it together.
Maybe many of you do not a see a problem with the above situation and there wasn’t any hostility in my partner’s voice or intentions. But it’s the overriding of my decision that makes future decisions feel impossible. It’s those moments I just say, “Leave me the fuck alone,” in my head. I wouldn’t feel the need to make a comment like that unless what was happening was very wrong (ie: using a plastic container in oven).
Well, I’m glad that’s out. It was bothering me.