One day I will return to my usual self and be an active part of the blogging community again but that is not right now.
I am back in counselling for a little. My recent preoccupation with suicide reluctantly made me go back. No matter what I want I need to acknowledge there are many who would be upset if I wasn’t around anymore. I can try for them.
I hate the word trauma. I stopped going to counselling a year ago because that word kept coming up and I couldn’t deal with it. I already feeling uncomfortable talking about my past but then tossing in the word trauma and I was just done.
What I’m about to say applies to no one but myself….
When my counsellor told me that I had experienced trauma and certain things I did were in response to that. This makes me feel weak. The word trauma screams WEAK! I do not want to be nor will I allow myself to be weak!
While I do not want to call what I experience trauma I need to admit that something is going on. I heard someone I can about bang something this morning and I immediately became scared. I was afraid they were mad at me and would come and yell at me. The reality is they just banged the door closed by accident. I have been programmed to be afraid.
Some of you at certain times have mentioned that it sounds like I have PTSD or just some trauma related issues and I have denied them every step of the way.
I need to deal with this as it does control my life.