I Hate Trauma

One day I will return to my usual self and be an active part of the blogging community again but that is not right now.

I am back in counselling for a little. My recent preoccupation with suicide reluctantly made me go back. No matter what I want I need to acknowledge there are many who would be upset if I wasn’t around anymore. I can try for them.

I hate the word trauma. I stopped going to counselling a year ago because that word kept coming up and I couldn’t deal with it. I already feeling uncomfortable talking about my past but then tossing in the word trauma and I was just done.

What I’m about to say applies to no one but myself….

When my counsellor told me that I had experienced trauma and certain things I did were in response to that. This makes me feel weak. The word trauma screams WEAK! I do not want to be nor will I allow myself to be weak!

While I do not want to call what I experience trauma I need to admit that something is going on. I heard someone I can about bang something this morning and I immediately became scared. I was afraid they were mad at me and would come and yell at me. The reality is they just banged the door closed by accident. I have been programmed to be afraid.

Some of you at certain times have mentioned that it sounds like I have PTSD or just some trauma related issues and I have denied them every step of the way.

But….

I need to deal with this as it does control my life.

 

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5 thoughts on “I Hate Trauma

  1. Trauma ≠ Weak

    If you’ve been through harsh situations, whether you remember them or not, certain triggers will provoke an emotional response and there’s no shame in that. I’ve read a few times BPD and PTSD could be related.

  2. Paying attention to trigger words if of the utmost importance. Good on you for getting back into T. To me that shows you are strong.
    I would miss you if you were gone, but I also do not want to see you suffering. It is a dichotomy for sure.
    best wishes to you
    d

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