It is so ingrained in me, to want abusive behaviours from partners. I hate the behaviours, I fight them and run away from them but as soon as I enter a relationship that shows no signs on abusive behaviours I begin to believe that the person truly doesn’t care about me.
What do I mean by abusive behaviours? Currently, I’m talking about isolation. I still equate not going out with friends (for example) with devotion and love. I feel that if the person I’m with actually loves me then they do not need to go see friends, especially without me. I know this is not the case. My logical side knows that isolation in a relationship is damaging and not what I want in mine. But, I guess we could call it my “trauma side” is telling me that I need to be worried and start fighting to make sure I am safe.
I find it very disturbing that the behaviours I quickly came to hate are also the ones I depend on in some way.