Abuse = Love

It is so ingrained in me, to want abusive behaviours from partners. I hate the behaviours, I fight them and run away from them but as soon as I enter a relationship that shows no signs on abusive behaviours I begin to believe that the person truly doesn’t care about me.

What do I mean by abusive behaviours? Currently, I’m  talking about isolation. I still equate not going out with friends (for example) with devotion and love. I feel that if the person I’m with actually loves me then they do not need to go see friends, especially without me. I know this is not the case. My logical side knows that isolation in a relationship is damaging and not what I want in mine. But, I guess we could call it my “trauma side” is telling me that I need to  be worried and start fighting to make sure I am safe.

I find it very disturbing that the behaviours I quickly came to hate are also the ones I depend on in some way.

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2 thoughts on “Abuse = Love

  1. “There’s no place like home.” If those behaviors (in a partner) were part of what it felt like when you were growing up, then that’s what will attract you to somebody “you feel like you’ve always known,” someone you feel really at home with from the start-or at least, AT the start and then it becomes uncomfortable and the fight-or-flight kicks in. Been there, done that…haven’t been able to see it coming, so far…I wish you strength.

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