Day 6: What about it do you enjoy?
I need to Trigger Warning this post!
This is where I start feeling sick about self harm. I have found that everyone wants to hear about how horrible it has made my life, how I desperately want to get it out of my life and have the beautiful recovery story at the end. The fact of the matter, is that at one point in my life I loved self harming. I found it fun, fulfilling and thought it made me awesomely unique. I took pride in purposely damaging my body and that others couldn’t bring themselves to do it. My favourite part, what I enjoyed, were the cuts (yes, in the past post I talked about how I hate the scars so it seems weird that I would love the cuts that put them there…). There was a lot of comfort in seeing the cuts. They reassured me that I had dealt with the problem I was facing. I also enjoyed that they were such a visual cry for attention. So many people ignored me and pushed me aside that I needed something to catch their attention.
If you can’t tell, what I enjoyed and disliked about self harm is complex, contradictory and at times confusing.
I still enjoy the cuts while I barely cut these days (almost at 3 months). I still find them comforting and they still make me feel a little unique.
An avoidance technique I have used successfully in the past is drawing on myself in red pen. It provides a satisfying visual for where I am at right now. Sometimes I don’t need to feel anything, I need to see something.