I waited 4 months for an appointment at the Centre for Addictions and Mental Health (CAMH) just to hear the words, “I can’t help you.”
Last September/October I was slowly but surely becoming suicidal due to being on psych drugs. While my doctor knew my Borderline Traits diagnosis and knew I had difficulty with and wanted to control my anger when I became suicidal and scored high on depression tests my treatment because all about depression. I noticed that my file mentioned depression and never borderline and when I was switched to an antidepressant the idea that I was depressed became solidified. But I am not depressed and haven’t had traces of a mood disorder since I was 18 years old.
I pursued the appointment at CAMH because I wanted to know if I was on the right medication. I ignored the voice inside me that told me to speak out against the appointment being made with the hospitals Mood and Anxiety Clinic. But, I thought, maybe feeling suicidal like this means I have more going on then just borderline traits. I tried to hang on and wait for my August 6th appointment but I know that if I had stated on the psych drugs I would have attempted to end my life again. I went off of them and after withdrawal the suicidal thoughts and feelings went away and have not returned with that ferocity since.
I sit myself in the front of the CAMH psychiatrist and tell him that I stopped the psych drugs, am no longer suicidal , haven’t self harmed in 3 months and am happy. He already knows the basics about me because he has my emergency room intake form from January 2014 in front of him. I fill out the depression and anxiety questionnaire and know from my answers that it is obvious neither are my problem.
“I see no signs of a mood disorder.” he tells me. I knew that already. He tells me to look into DBT and I explain that I have tried and can’t find free or cheap programs. Of course, the woman who would be able to help me is in vacation. He wraps up our appointment quickly and tells me that he can’t help me but any information he finds on DBT he will send to my doctor. I left the appointment fuming.
The one good thing that came out of the appointment was he confirmed that psych drugs are not a path I should pursue. It was nice to hear a psychiatrist say that. Still, the pain of walking out with nothing to go off of that I didn’t already know or try was very strong. Even though I say I don’t care about it, I do.
I’ll put more thought into it when I have the time. I’m not at risk for anything bad. I just want there to be more good.