Why Does He Do That?: 10 Types of Abusers, Part 3

Talk of abuse

Talk of abuse

6. The Player

  • usually good looking or sexy (or at least thinks he is)
  • early on he seems head over heels for you and wants to spend a lot of time together in bed
  • you feel lucky to be with someone like him and be seen with him
  • after awhile though, aside from sex his interest in you seems to disappear
  • sexual undertones run throughout his interactions with females he considers attractive
  • there are rumours he’s seeing other women
  • he usually stalls on important relationship milestones such as moving together or getting married
  • much of his satisfaction in life comes from exploiting women and feeling sexual power
  • he turns women against each other to distract them from his abuse
  • he may hit on women you care about (ie: sister or friend) and out of fear of losing him you isolate yourself from those women
  • he may be always cheating on his female partner with other women
  • sometimes claims to suffer from “sex addiction”
  • he is still verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive
  • “Women were put on this earth to have sex with men. Women who want sex are sluts and women who don’t are uptight. It’s not my fault women find me irresistible. I’m in this relationship when I feel like it. If you could meet my sexual needs I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.”

7. Rambo

  • he is aggressive with everybody, not just you
  • gets a thrill out of creating fear and intimidating others
  • he has an exaggerated and stereotypical view of what a man should be
  • may come from a neighbourhood where he needed to be tough and without fear or he would be targeted by violence
  •  in the beginning he is loving and you feel safe and protected by him
  • he lack respect for women so his aggression will eventually be put on you
  • He can be emotionally and physically abusive
  • Maybe be a sociopath or psychopath
  • “Aggression is good, compassion is bad. Anything feminine or homosexual need to be avoided at any cost. Men need to keep their women in line even if that means physical violence. You are my property.”

8. The Victim

  • appeals to women’s compassion and desire to heal the one they love
  • tells persuasive and heart wrenching stories about how he was abused by a former partner
  • adopts the language of abuse victims
  • will claim you are abusing him when you do something he doesn’t like (ie: stand up to him during conflict)
  • highly self-centered in relationships
  • everything in your relationship revolves around his wounds
  • claims to be victimized by many in his life (ie: boss, parents, neighbours etc.)
  • may believe women victimize men and not able to accept the results of sexism towards women
  • makes you feel guilty when you try and leave
  • presents himself as helpless so you will find it hard to take your life back
  • “Everybody has done me wrong, especially women. When you accuse me of abuse you’re just like everyone else who has hurt me. It’s justifiable for me to treat you the way I think you’re treating me so you know what it feels like. Women who complain about how men mistreat them are anti-men. I’ve had a hard life and not responsible for my actions.”

I have dated a Player. I felt so special with him because he chose me over all of the other girls that wanted him. On our 1 month anniversary I watched him with great confusion as he cuddle with another girl during a movie. He told me that they were just friends. I had to endure countless angry looks from girls when we went out to parties. I also had to endure the rumours that he was seeing other girls in various capacities. I found a MySpace message once between him and girl saying that the next time he saw her he would give her a kiss. He claimed to have been taken advantage of by another girl who dropped off a skirt for me at his house and he later admitted they slept together. The amount of times I watched him flirt with other girls is actually stupid. BUT, if a guy would do the same with me then he’d come over all tough and stake his claim on me. 

Source: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft- pg. 175-188

Part 1: The Demand Man & Mr. Right

Part 2: The Water Torturer, The Drill Sargent, Mr. Sensitive


6 thoughts on “Why Does He Do That?: 10 Types of Abusers, Part 3

  1. Oh my gosh, it’s so rare to see a book like this even acknowledge “The Victim” as an abusive behavior pattern. So many of them focus on narcissistic personalities and ragers. I’m going to have to see more of this book. Thanks.

  2. Pingback: Why Does He Do That?: 10 Types of Abusers, Part 4 | Pride in Madness

  3. The thread that ties them all together could be labeled narcissistic: their needs, their feelings, their lives and life-stories are trump — as if the partner were merely an extension of them, not a person with needs and feelings apart from theirs, equally deserving of a place in the relationship dynamic.

    What turns it into abuse, seems to be their unwillingness to let the partner simply LEAVE — the “I hate you, don’t leave me” dynamic taken to the extreme.

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