9. The Terrorist
- highly controlling and demanding
- terrorize their partners with threats, strange statements, and bizarre behaviours
- seems to find cruelty thrilling
- likely to have been abused as a child
- top goal is to paralyze you with fear so you won’t leave or cheat on him
- if the woman leaves he may stalk or threaten her
- “you have no right to defy me, you life is in my hands. Women are evil and have to be kept scared so they can’t spread their evil. I would rather die then accept your right to independence. I can use our children against you and keep you afraid. Seeing you afraid is exciting.”
10. The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
This category is not separate from the others. Having abusive tendencies can exist on their own, without a mental health or addiction issue but if a man does have either or both of these issues they can effect his abusiveness.
Mental illness and addiction DO NOT CAUSE ABUSE and taking psychiatric drugs and/or becoming sober will not end abuse (at least not permanently).
- certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser may use violence
- some mental illnesses are more difficult to treat therefore changing may be next to impossible for the man
- psychiatric medication (going on or off) can lead to great unpredictability in behaviour
- in determining the level of threat psychiatric symptoms need to be look at in combination with the severity of his abusive characteristics
- many men will claim to be mentally ill or addicted to substances to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour
- “I’m not responsible for my actions because of my mental illness/addiction. If you challenge me on my abusiveness you’re showing how little you understand about what I’m going through. If you challenge me you could trigger me and then it’s your fault if I do something bad.”
While this was not a relationship I have encountered a few men who seemed to get a thrill out of making me afraid and using that fear to try and control me. When I was around 16 I had a guy, on the phone, threaten to choke me if I didn’t have sex with him (I never saw him again luckily and he never pursued more then that phone call). Around 18 years old I encountered a 20-something year old man online who claimed to have naked photos/video of me (which was impossible because I never took any) and then claimed to just have put my email address on the photos/videos of another girl so I would be bombarded with emails from people. He told me he told me that he would remove my email from the pictures/video if I actually sent him pictures and video of myself. I did not do this and eventually I ignored him enough that he went away. Finally, when I was 19 there was a 38 year old man who wanted to be my Sugar Daddy. When I continuously declined he started telling me about how he was going to come find me. I was so afraid I stayed in Toronto with my then-partner for a few days. I’m lucky that all of these men went away and were only in my life for a short period of time and not in an intimate relationship kind of way. There are many women who are not as fortunate.
Source: Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft- Pg. 188-196
Part 1: The Demand Man and Mr. Right
Part 3: The Player, Rambo and The Victim