Abuse is About Entitlement

I’m watching an episode of Dr. Phil and he is interviewing a man who made headlines for spanking his wife when she didn’t call him “sir”.

I am watching this episode with new eyes. I can now see the way an abuser tries to twist events in their favour and literally CANNOT see that what they did was wrong. I’m seeing a living example of what I read in Lundy Bncroft’s book. It is unnerving and disgusting. He also claims to be a man of God. No.

Dr. Phil was just speaking to Kirby about how he was kicked out of anger management. It reminded me of how Bancroft said that society has that wrong view of abusive men. The view that they have anger problems is wrong. In many cases these men do not abuse others in their life, just their spouse (and some their children) therefore anger is not a problem. The problem is entitlement.

Abusive men feel entitled to their significant other.

They feel that she needs to do exactly what he says when he says it.

She needs to be exactly who he wants her to be.

He gets to do whatever he wants.

He believes he knows best.

He gets angry when his authority is threatened and when she demonstrates independence.

Abusive men are not angry, they are ENTITLED!

One we can understand that we can better help women and their children and most importantly we can help these men become better men.


15 thoughts on “Abuse is About Entitlement

  1. Sadly those kinds of men (and women) will always feel a sense of entitlement. My ex and my son and his wife are like this. They blame so much on me or their bosses or their wife or daughter or or or . . . My last two gf’s husbands were like this too. All we can do is educate the children and women on how to not be with them or how to get out safely. Also teach women that they have value without being with a man.Our society teaches girls that they need a man to save them or that they need them to complete them. TOTAL BS! they indoctrinate their little minds with Disney and story books of men on white horses ~~yadda yadda.
    Plus women often do not make much money or not as much as men so in that way, we often need them and they know it. Pretty sick.
    My experience have been that people who feel entitled only get worse and more angry. I do not believe they can change, it is who they are to their core. They can’t learn new behaviors because they see nothing wrong with themselves. They blame everyone for what goes wrong in their lives. Whether it starts at childhood with too many compliments or if it is already in the head of the person when born, I do not know. But I really do not believe they can change. They do not care who they hurt in the process and they enjoy seeing people squirm and they will up they anti any chance they get just to see if they can get away with it. Maybe I am wrong, but that has been my experience.
    I know not all men are like this cause I have been married to one really nice fella and I have a really great B-I-L. There are kind and thoughtful men out there, just not too many in my life.

    • A guy I was with for 14 months said to me after I left him, “You’ll never find anyone better then me and you’re only good for porn.” So yes, I agree that many women are taught their value is linked to a man.

      The next thing I want to explore is the idea that people who have experienced emotional trauma also feel entitled (it’s in WDHDT). Is it the same type of entitlement? Is it more difficult to fix?

      Our experiences are similar so I agree with what you’re saying πŸ™‚ Thanks for commenting!

  2. Your insights are so keen for one so young! (This is meant to be the highest of compliments, btw. I’m old enough to practically be your grandmother, so you seem much younger to me than you probably feel inside.) I was relatively clueless at your age – especially about many of the topics on your blog.

    You hit the nail RIGHT on the head in this article — entitlement.

    I believe we go wrong, as a culture, when men are but boys. Yes, “boys will be boys” – meaning that most boys enjoy (and need) rough and tumble play more than most girls. But that does not excuse many of the other behaviors after which those words are uttered.

    I have noticed that girls generally get more “empathy lessons” than boys – often at the expense of their own needs and desires, unfortunately. In combo, we see abusive situations of male entitlement in tandem with women who have been raised (sub-consciously) to “give way.”

    Awareness is the first step – so thanks for this. Great post.

    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    • We do go wrong with our boys. I am fortunate to be friends with feminist men who are addressing how society emotional starves our boys and young men and pushes violence on them.

      I work with children and I try very hard to teach both sexes the same thing in regards to their emotional needs. It’s just hard because many parents still ascribe to traditional gender roles…

      Thank you so much for your comment!

  3. I think you’ve hit upon an excellent key word here with entitlement. Abusers come in all shapes, sizes, genders and reasons for their abusing, though. Entitlement certainly applies to a lot of abusers but not all. But, yeah, as far as a jumping off point, the word “entitlement” certainly was an aha! moment.

  4. All this bullshit about “women like assholes” is absolutely idiotic. They don’t. Being kind is the way to go. That’s stockholmes syndrome and they still don’t “like assholes.” Men and women are different but they are both human. No one likes to be treated like shit of any gender. If I don’t like women being mean to me why would they like it? Maybe what they mean is they don’t like nice minus romantic tact? Probably. Like just giving someone flowers or something very ritualistic. Only women who would go for that are gold diggers (they probably wouldn’t flowers though.) Entitlement is def. involved with them. They are bullies picking easy targets. All their “superiority” is false crumbles easily so they must hold with irrational force and threats. They are probably also lacking in intelligence.

  5. I admire that you put yourself in someone else’s shoes like this, when you really didn’t have to. And what a wonderful insight to arrive at indeed; I’m sure I’ll be thinking about this all day! I really hope I don’t tacitly confuse anger for entitlement so I’ll definitely be on the lookout for that. And I’d be really keen to get my hands on the “Why Does He Do That” book some time, so I’m glad that’s a thing.

    Thanks so much for not only doing something so smart, but having the inclination to share it with us. Peace!

    • I’ve been thinking about the difference between anger and entitlement also since I have behaved in negative ways towards a partner out of anger. I believe the difference would be is the individual interested in solving the problem or wants it down their way and to be right. I found in my last relationship I would call my partner names but then apologize and ask how we could fix this problem. On the other hand he would call me names, blame me for his actions and refuse to compromise on a solution to fix our issues. Does that make sense?

      I am very glad to have had the book suggested to me by another blogger! I’ve been telling everyone about it!

      • It makes perfect sense! Really, the fact you typed that makes me feel so much better.

        I’ve wasted so much time berating myself for how I acted in my last relationship, but for all the outbursts and attention-seeking behaviours I was enacting, I realised after a long time that although I was an “undisputed shithead” (according to some people) on the surface, I finally accept that I didn’t mean any real harm towards anybody.
        Soon after that break-up, a doctor said something I’ll never forget: “It seems to me like you’ve only made any kind of scene to justify the clean-up afterwards. You’ve attracted attention to something you have a distinct feeling is an utter mess. And you’re here now because you’ve found that kicking and screaming is an effective way to do that.”

        Oh, what a feeling of relief. Actually hearing a good reason to stop blaming myself for everything from someone I respect was so beautiful. So thanks loads for the articulate writing that corroborates one of the most treasured lessons I’ve learned (and one of my biggest frickin’ journeys)! Truly excellent. πŸ˜€

      • I’m so happy to hear that you feel better πŸ™‚

        I acted the same, had outbursts and what not because it was an effective way to call attention to something I didn’t like or needed. Effective is not the same as productive mind you πŸ˜› And like you I never meant any harm. The fact that you berated yourself for your behaviour shows that you mean well! The author of the book also drew attention to the fact that certain behaviours can manifest because of emotional trauma but are not necessarily abusive. For example, being self-centered is a trait of abusers but can also be the result of emotional trauma. The self-centeredness in those with emotional trauma though is about survival and not entitlement as with abusers. I struggled with this as I can be very self-centered but when I behave that way it’s because I want to make sure I get what I need and I don’t trust others to give it to me so I have to call attention to it.

        So good to hear from you!!!

      • I managed to find the book today!!! It’s making its way to my li’l corner of the world as we speak πŸ˜€ and I’m pretty excited about the emotional journey that awaits me within its pages. Eep!
        And that’s a really good way of explaining the difference between “self-centered” and “selfish”. You’re definitely on the nose as far as the survival thing goes! I remember it most vividly as the feeling of expressing something you need to someone who can’t provide it, but decides to keep you hanging… so you keep bringing it up… again… and again… escalating each time until BAM! Disappointment.
        You can see how I need that book, right? πŸ˜›
        I’m seeing why you’re “prideinmadness”; darn tootin’ you should be proud of how you turned something potentially fatal into something you’re incredibly knowledgeable about.
        It’s such a trip. We’re the same age but you seem so much wiser. Just… thanks for… getting it. Thanks for understanding. You, m’lady, are excellent. ^_^

      • So glad you found the book! I hope you enjoy it! Takes breaks from it if you need to.

        When the person keeps you hanging and then you finally explode on them for making you wait they then attack you on getting upset with them! Ugh!!!

        I am proud of where I am at in my life but I know that if I want something I can get it, it just might be a little tricky or painful but that’s not permanent. You can do it too and believe you will! We’re young πŸ˜› We have a lot of time to figure this all out!

        Thank you so much for your support! Keep me posted on your journey!!!

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