It’s the issue that I don’t know if there until my partner, B, says “I’m going to hang out with the guys.” My heart sinks, my chest tightens, my jaw clenches and I become angry and extremely uncomfortable. He’s leaving me.
I instantly feel abandoned and the amount of self talk it takes to not flip out (on him or myself) and get some sleep is unbelievable. The fact that I have to talk myself out of the physical and emotional stress is annoying in general. Tonight/this morning I am having a particularly difficult time calming down and getting some sleep. So far, I’ve slept for 2 hours but it took me two hours to even fall asleep.
I feel that my severe emotional and physical reaction to my partner not being with me is stupid. I feel selfish and controlling and for some reason justified despite not being able to explain why I have such an intense need for him to always be with me. While I am not the type of partner to tell my significant other who and when they can hangout with friends this feeling makes me feel like I am. I have dated that person and I have sworn to never be that person in my relationships (speaking from a Wise place I know that I do not have it in me to purposely be abusive like that for purely selfish reasons).
It literally feels like abandonment. I feel like a ridiculous DSM criteria! I believe it would fall under the “imagined” category of Borderline Personality criteria 1. I am drastically limiting my “frantic efforts to avoid” it. Instead of texting or calling him accusing him of not caring about me I have settled for feeling uncomfortable. I tried thinking about why these strong feelings may be happening but I know they are not rooted in fact and that is enough soul searching for me.
The thoughts that go through my head when B tells me he’s going to hangout with his friends:
“He doesn’t care about me.”
“He’s betraying me.”
“He hates me.”
“He should be with me.”
Pushing through the emotions and using a Wiser Mind I know the following to be true:
“B does love me.”
“B has a right to hangout with his friends.”
“B will come home.”
It feels real though. Abandonment and Betrayal are the words that swim around in my head. For the first time, I’m stuck in how to approach this. I feel like the fact that this abandonment is not actually happening is going to make it more difficult to get over. I feel like talking to B would do nothing (although I’m fairly confident he knows I get uncomfortable by his promises of the next day being just for the two of us) which is why I have just sat with it. A friend suggested that maybe it’s because my relationship with B is still new, that I need to get comfortable before I stop feeling abandoned and betrayed whenever he goes out. She also suggested that the fear be rooted in my past although I’m having trouble tracing that one back but maybe I’m looking at it wrong.
Well, I do actually feel a bit better, at least for now, so I’m going to try this sleep thing again.