Of course many of these are not limited to BPD and while many of them are negative I find some of them oddly funny.
I find it very difficult to talk about why I feel angry or sad sometimes. It is just something I feel and I feel it very strongly. I know when people are suicidal those who wish to help are wanting a good, concrete answer, “I want to die because I feel like no one loves me.” The person can then provide examples of how they are loved. When I was being asked a few months ago why I was suicidal all I could come up with was, “I feel wrong.” It’s a very helpless feeling for everyone involved. There are no ways to explain and I have actually found then when I try and find the words or reasons I end up making things up just to appease others and I get further away from my truth.
I’m so bad for this! I apologize for EVERYTHING! Even when I was a teen I would self harm because a friend was upset. I would become angry at myself for not being able to help them when it’s really not my issue but I took it on anyways. A recent example: My partner missed the exit off the highway and I began to feel bad and apologize because I felt that I should have warned him the exit was coming. Reality, it’s not a big deal to miss the exit, and he’s the driver so he should have been paying attention.
It’s a spinning vortex of rage. It fills you from head to toe. The rage vibrates your body, chokes you and completely shuts you down. It feels like someone else is behind the wheel in the brain. It’s truly a horrible experience. It makes me want to scream.
I notice everything. The problem is, I always interpret these changes in the worst way. I will obsess about these changes, wonder why they are happening, if I should ask about it, if I’m making a big deal about it and what I should do. This will then usually provoke a fight which can then confirm some of my fears because now I feel like I have evidence for them.
Go big or go home as I always say. If you’re going to feel something feel it all the way. It’s horrible and can sometimes by physically painful because of the stress that gets released into my body. It’s also severely annoying because I can tell myself that something is not a big deal but my body is still responding with such intensity that you would think my life was in danger when really my partner is just coming home later than I wanted him too.