Speaking Horribly

The past two nights I have been speaking in a University class. Each night I have finished sharing my story, I have sat down and started berating myself. I think of everything I should of said, how I shouldn’t have been so scattered and I tell myself that no one cares about what I have to say. It’s also hard because I do not like talking about my past without being constructive about it and I would actually prefer to talk about where I am now as that’s the part I care most about. It really is all in my control but I want what I say to match what the other speakers are saying. The fact of the matter is, my story is not the same as the other speakers and I do not see myself and my experience the same way they do.

I guess I should just suck it u p and write out my story. I usually like to wing it but if I’m always unsatisfied then why should I not do something to fix it?

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9 thoughts on “Speaking Horribly

  1. I learned to dissociate under the stress that usually included fight or flight for me. Whenever situations come up that stir those emotional conflicts, I struggle to stay present. What my mind wants to do is dissociate, again, and I will unconsciously do it if I am not centered. Period. I used to be a trial attorney but because of the depresssion, PTSD, etc, etc, etc., it is harder to stay in the present and it is a struggle for me to even go into a court room today. I am impressed that you keep working at getting better. Congrats
    Jim

  2. it is so important to tell your story just as it is. i have read so much trying hard to find where i fit in. others stories are not mine, we all have our own story; hearing the diversity of disorders helps us all navigate this unpredictable world in which we live. your story is easy for me to understand even though my diagnosis is far different then yours. AND i like that you are different and share how things affect you. i so relate and it is nice to know that i am not alone.

  3. I was in one of the classes that you spoke to last week about your story, and I definitely don’t think you should be so critical of yourself. After you told us about borderline personality disorder, I sort of came to a realization that I may have it as well. I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression, but I find that after a year there has been pretty much no improvement from medication, doctor visits, or talking to people about it. When you showed us the symptoms of BPD, every single one is something that I experience, and I finally booked an appointment with a counselling service today to try and talk to someone about this. In over a year I haven’t had the courage or the reason to talk to anyone about how I’ve been feeling, but sharing your experience had a hugely positive impact on me. I just want to say thanks, and even if afterwards you feel unsatisfied with your presentation, I hope you know that you certainly made me feel better! Thank you!

    • Sarah, thank you so much for your comment!!!

      Since being diagnosed BPD I’ve come to think that my chronic depression diagnosis was wrong from the beginning but they had to put me somewhere. I’m so glad you’re taking steps to find out what is going on. I hope it gets you where you want and deserve to be!

      Feel free to contact me if you need anything 🙂 Thanks again so much for commenting!

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