It was Saturday, I was heading home from work and I called B to see if he was going to come pick me up at my subway stop. He told me that our original plans weren’t happening and that he was going to leave his friend’s place soon to come pick me up. Not wanting to be a bad girlfriend I told B to stay at his friend’s and that I would take the bus home. This was not a happy decision on my part as I wanted him to be with me. It was in this moment, as I told myself I wasn’t being abandoned, that he loved me and I would see him soon, that I began to understood why I sometimes feel to disconnected….
B worked the entire week, including the weekend. The only time we had spent together was at night which was also when we’d spend a bit of time with his family and then go to sleep. While he was working I sat in our room and did nothing (I can’t find a job). I had noticed on Friday that I needed a longer hug from B to feel grounded, to feel real. So, that Saturday, on the bus, I realized that I feel like a ghost.
By ghost I mean that I am existing but not interacting with my environment. I don’t participate, I am just there. What brings this on is not enough time with people, especially ones I care about, and I guess simply being bored. This would explain why physical contact makes it go away. I need a physical reminder that I am present in the world, a participating member, that I can feel and that I’m not a ghost.
The definitions of dissociation have always confused me. I could never relate but I guess this is either the same thing or along similar lines.
Whatever it is, it’s pretty crappy.