It was Saturday, I was heading home from work and I called B to see if he was going to come pick me up at my subway stop. He told me that our original plans weren’t happening and that he was going to leave his friend’s place soon to come pick me up. Not wanting to be a bad girlfriend I told B to stay at his friend’s and that I would take the bus home. This was not a happy decision on my part as I wanted him to be with me. It was in this moment, as I told myself I wasn’t being abandoned, that he loved me and I would see him soon, that I began to understood why I sometimes feel to disconnected….

B worked the entire week, including the weekend. The only time we had spent together was at night which was also when we’d spend a bit of time with his family and then go to sleep. While he was working I sat in our room and did nothing (I can’t find a job). I had noticed on Friday that I needed a longer hug from B to feel grounded, to feel real. So, that Saturday, on the bus, I realized that I feel like a ghost.

By ghost I mean that I am existing but not interacting with my environment. I don’t participate, I am just there. What brings this on is not enough time with people, especially ones I care about, and I guess simply being bored. This would explain why physical contact makes it go away. I need a physical reminder that I am present in the world, a participating member, that I can feel and that I’m not a ghost.

The definitions of dissociation have always confused me. I could never relate but I guess this is either the same thing or along similar lines.

Whatever it is, it’s pretty crappy.


13 thoughts on “Ghost

  1. I Am The Shadow

    I am the shadow,
    I exist in a world of light,
    Blending into the darkness of night.

    My face you cannot see,
    My expressions, sometimes misleading.

    If you hear a whisper in the wind,
    It may be me.

    I am the shadow,
    I exist in a world of sounds, good and bad.
    Of laughter,

    You think that I feel nothing,
    No love,
    No hate,
    No anger,
    No fear,
    No pain.
    But you are wrong.

    You think that I do not cry,
    But I weep silently.
    You cannot see the tears that slide down my cheeks,
    But they are there.

    I am the shadow, you cannot touch,
    Always within sight but never within reach.

    I am the shadow, afraid to trust the light for it distorts me.
    Please forgive me if I trick you,
    I cannot control it.

    I long to live in the light,
    To be held and loved,
    But I am only a silent shadow,
    Watching but unable to take part in it all,
    What others do, I can only dream of.

    So I lurk in corners,
    Always waiting for the night to come,
    Always dying but never dead.

    I am the shadow, I have no friends,
    Even in a crowd, Iā€™m all alone.
    Existing in somber shades of gray,
    A lonely shadow,
    Iā€™m doomed to stay.

    By Joyce Savage, 1990.

  2. Thanks for sharing this, Pride . . . I, too, am struggling heavily right now. I’m struggling with a tremendous amount of negative self-talk which greatly affect me in terms of increasing my anxiety, depression, depression, & low self-esteem . . . reading your entries & the responses helps . . You’re providing a great service to others . . Sam

    • I have found guided mediation to be helpful when I experience a lot of negative self talk. Don’t know if you’d be interested in trying. My favourites are ones that take you to a calm place. I always go to a bookstore šŸ˜›

      Thank you for always being open about your experiences šŸ™‚ You’re awesome!

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