How many little moments does it take before you need to realize that your life really just isn’t what you want it to be? I have memories of when my life was fun and not so full of roadblocks. I know that for the most part I’m my biggest roadblock but it’s the ones that pop up when I plan on having fun or doing something positive that really, really get to me.
It’s funny how I struggle to look at these roadblocks as just little blips, something to move on from, but maybe it’s the compounding of what I feel is so many of them and my perception of what it means that just drags me straight down into the whole “my life is worthless” mind frame.
“Why not me?” “Why can’t I do that?”
I guess it’s still the overall problems I’ve been having emotionally since B and I lost the condo and moved in with his mom and stepdad. The only time I really see my friends is when we have work to do and while I love doing things with B it’s not the same as being out with others doing any activity that isn’t focused around work. I like being alone on my terms. I don’t like this isolation, even the perceived isolation (I feel like I can’t go out for the most part because I live so far from everyone and everything and transit becomes time consuming). There is a difference between not wanting to do something and literary not being able to do something or feeling like I can’t.
All of these thoughts are probably scattered, not connecting well to each other but many of you are familiar with that thought process. Everyone has a scattered through process when they’re upset.
i have no life. I want my life back.
There is a song by Alexisonfire called “We Are the Sound” and a verse has been really resonating with me these past few months:
So what is this I see? There is nothing but anger burning inside of me. Do you wish to feel complete? Say you want it, you need it.
I’m not asking for much. My complete doesn’t need to be something spectacular. I really just want the basics: a home, a social life, inner peace and a job. I want to feel like I stand a chance, like I’m here on Earth to live and not just exist.