Do You Wish to Feel Complete?

How many little moments does it take before you need to realize that your life really just isn’t what you want it to be? I have memories of when my life was fun and not so full of roadblocks. I know that for the most part I’m my biggest roadblock but it’s the ones that pop up when I plan on having fun or doing something positive that really, really get to me.

It’s funny how I struggle to look at these roadblocks as just little blips, something to move on from, but maybe it’s the compounding of what I feel is so many of them and my perception of what it means that just drags me straight down into the whole “my life is worthless” mind frame.

“Why not me?” “Why can’t I do that?”

I guess it’s still the overall problems I’ve been having emotionally since B and I lost the condo and moved in with his mom and stepdad. The only time I really see my friends is when we have work to do and while I love doing things with B it’s not the same as being out with others doing any activity that isn’t focused around work. I like being alone on my terms. I don’t like this isolation, even the perceived isolation (I feel like I can’t go out for the most part because I live so far from everyone and everything and transit becomes time consuming). There is a difference between not wanting to do something and literary not being able to do something or feeling like I can’t.

All of these thoughts are probably scattered, not connecting well to each other but many of you are familiar with that thought process. Everyone has a scattered through process when they’re upset.

i have no life. I want my life back.

There is a song by Alexisonfire called “We Are the Sound” and a verse has been really resonating with me these past few months:

So what is this I see? There is nothing but anger burning inside of me. Do you wish to feel complete? Say you want it, you need it.

I’m not asking for much. My complete doesn’t need to be something spectacular. I really just want the basics: a home, a social life, inner peace and a job. I want to feel like I stand a chance, like I’m here on Earth to live and not just exist.


6 thoughts on “Do You Wish to Feel Complete?

  1. Love what I just read. I suggest you take a look at my Recovery blog. It’s filled with the can-do attitude and inspiration that most people are lacking. Check it out today! Follow today and be entered for a chance to be featured on Friday’s blog spotlight post.

  2. I can relate to this in so many ways. Sometimes life has such a way of making you feel trapped, and it’s worse when there are things that come into live that you can’t control.

    I hope you find a happy spot in all of this, and that you are able to find the best way to handle it all. 🙂

  3. Hugs are always good, especially the long ones from friends.

    Ugh, living with people is fun and hard at the same time. I live with a friend, but the home is big and I can get my privacy.

    When married to my first husband, I took up running, biking, long hikes, anything to get out and away from him (that’s why the x) and it reeeealy helped a LOT! I could go anywhere and think! I have a bike now and it is much faster for this old lady. I must say though, it is hard to go up hills and we have lots of them here. So walking is still my favorite mode of transportation. Walking is my dream world, like reading. Speaking of which, it is time for my walk now!

    • I went out a lot also in my previous relationship. I also enjoyed alone time like when I would go to my parents or when he worked nights. But him and I also went out a lot together (dinner parties, holidays parties, game nights). That part all worked. Now, I don’t like going out because I’m worried my partner won’t be there when I come back or go find someone else.

      I hope you enjoyed your walk!

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