This will be poorly explained because I am recovering from a cry and I can just never find words for it anyways.
Why me and not you? Why do I always have to fit into what you want?
It’s times likes these that I can easily fall back into “I’m sick”. I search my brain, top to bottom, each little corner, to find an answer that will satisfy people but no one excepts my answers to there can really only be one and it is that I am broken. Someone please swoop in and save me.
“Ok, but don’t expect that from me all the time.” I am alone. No one has my back.
I feel the hopelessness in my chest, the emerging feeling that I should just give up.
I feel so spiteful. Why should I put time, effort and money into learning things that no one labelled “normal” even knows exists? I feel like if I learn to speak to people “properly”(….they win….I wasn’t good enough as I was….they are perfect…..)then I am expected to take all their bullshit.
This will all blow over, it always does, and I will return to the “I’m super awesome” person. But this sadness is always lingering just below the surface.
“You’re always upset.” Yes, I am. i’m tired of explaining myself to people who have no interest in knowing why but just in knowing that I will behave the way they want me to be. I don’t want excuses made for me. I’m not looking for people to accept the verbal poison I throw their way. I’m just looking for, “Kristen, I know you’re upset but I love you, what you’re thinking is not happening that way. Please don’t be mean to me because it hurts my feelings. Just tell me what you’re afraid of.”
“I’m afraid that if you don’t do things the way I want them done then it means you don’t care about me.”
“I’m afraid that if I do things for you that you don’t do for me then it means that you have more power over me.”
I don’t do a good job but I really only trust myself to keep me safe. On some level I know I can trust others to keep be safe but how can I truly when all I hear is what they can’t/won’t do for me and what I should be doing for them.
I want to scream. There really are no words. Just feelings. And they feel like shit.