Too Sad for a Title

This will be poorly explained because I am recovering from a cry and I can just never find words for it anyways.

Why me and not you? Why do I always have to fit into what you want?

It’s times likes these that I can easily fall back into “I’m sick”. I search my brain, top to bottom, each little corner, to find an answer that will satisfy people but no one excepts my answers to there can really only be one and it is that I am broken. Someone please swoop in and save me.

“Ok, but don’t expect that from me all the time.” I am alone. No one has my back.

I feel the hopelessness in my chest, the emerging feeling that I should just give up.

I feel so spiteful. Why should I put time, effort and money into learning things that no one labelled “normal” even knows exists? I feel like if I learn to speak to people “properly”(….they win….I wasn’t good enough as I was….they are perfect…..)then I am expected to take all their bullshit.

This will all blow over, it always does, and I will return to the “I’m super awesome” person. But this sadness is always lingering just below the surface.

“You’re always upset.” Yes, I am. i’m tired of explaining myself to people who have no interest in knowing why but just in knowing that I will behave the way they want me to be. I don’t want excuses made for me. I’m not looking for people to accept the verbal poison I throw their way. I’m just looking for, “Kristen, I know you’re upset but I love you, what you’re thinking is not happening that way. Please don’t be mean to me because it hurts my feelings. Just tell me what you’re afraid of.”

“I’m afraid that if you don’t do things the way I want them done then it means you don’t care about me.”

“I’m afraid that if I do things for you that you don’t do for me then it means that you have more power over me.”

I don’t do a good job but I really only trust myself to keep me safe. On some level I know I can trust others to keep be safe but how can I truly when all I hear is what they can’t/won’t do for me and what I should be doing for them.

I want to scream. There really are no words. Just feelings. And they feel like shit.


16 thoughts on “Too Sad for a Title

  1. You’re not alone and I think that you know that too, but it’s so easy to forget. There are days when the world simply doesn’t feel safe enough, there are days when it seems that everywhere I look I see abuse and abusers in positions of power. But it passes when I can
    remind myself that the meaning of my life has to be made by me. And that the only thing that is really wrong with me is that I was raised in a family that so distorted my perceptions of the world that it has taken me most of my life to figure out how it really is.

    • Thank you for your comment. I needed to hear what you said πŸ™‚

      It is easy to forget that you’re not alone, especially when you are reaching out to someone and they are shutting you down (or you feel like they are shutting you down). I was trying to remind myself that I am the way I am because of how others treated me, much like your experience. I find it scary to think that people had that much of an affect on my thinking but at the same time it does tell me that it can be changed with more positive influences.

      Thanks again!

  2. You’re not alone. “I’m tired of explaining…” Yes. To others, I’m tired of explaining. To myself, I’m tired of explaining. When I feel like a watch spring too tightly wound, I’m just tired of it all. You voiced the feelings quite well. Thank god for blogs where such things can be said and there’s an excellent chance that quite a few people will recognize the truth in it.

  3. 😦 i feel sad when you are sad Kristen. relationships are very hard, even in the best of relationships. do your best honey girl.

    what does it say in the book WDHDT about what’s happening in this relationship? can you see any red flags?

    the quotes you have are hard for me to follow. my brain is a bit scrambled the last few days.

    The Road Not Taken
    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveler, long I stood
    And looked down one as far as I could
    To where it bent in the undergrowth;

    Then took the other, as just as fair,
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
    Though as for that the passing there
    Had worn them really about the same,

    And both that morning equally lay
    In leaves no step had trodden black.
    Oh, I kept the first for another day!
    Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
    I doubted if I should ever come back.

    I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and Iβ€”
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference.

    Loving Grandma hugz~~hang in there K.

  4. I feel that misery. I have tried more times than I can remember to explain what you have just written about. I am now out of words…I have capitulated, I have given up. All the best, hope the cloud lifts soon

  5. Wow! I’m so sorry.

    I’m running through my own muck right now and as soon as I read this – “Why me and not you? Why do I always have to fit into what you want?” – I thought it was pulled right from my own evening…

    I hope everything pulls through okay.

  6. Pingback: Invalidation is Violence | Pride in Madness

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