Standing Firm in Your Skill Choice

Yesterday I made a decision and someone was not happy with that decision. From my point of view, I decided to walk away from a situation that was making me upset rather than yell at them about it. From their point of view, I decided to “make a scene” by walking away. This reinforced a few things for me, some negative and some positive.

Negative Reinforced Messages

  • It doesn’t matter if I use a DBT Skill because if I do not behave the way someone wants me to then they will always get upset with me.
  • This person still does not understand what I am trying to do to manage my emotions and still expects me to just not feel anger at all (“Just let it go.”).
  • The focus seems to always be about how far I still have to go instead of how far I have come.

Positive Reinforced Messages

  • I was able to quickly identify that I was getting angry, look at my two choices (walk away or yell) and I chose the best of the two given the situation.
  • With it being the next day, I still stand by my decision to walk away from the situation.
  • I do not have to tolerate something/someone that makes me angry.
  • I identified another trigger that I can work on coping with.

I want to focus on the positive reinforced messages than the negative reinforced messages, but I will admit that this is difficult to do (excuse me, my people-pleasing is showing!). I will need to do a lot of positive self-talk to make the positive messages stick.  As I learned from DEAR MAN appearing confident is important when expressing yourself and your needs. I actually want to be confident and I know there is some truth in “fake it til you make it”. I want that unshakable confidence of where I can say, “I made a decision and I stand by it.” This isn’t how I felt last night in the moment and it is still not how I feel this morning, but the confidence is closer to the surface this time around. The fact of the matter is I chose to use a skill for MYSELF not for the other person.

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9 thoughts on “Standing Firm in Your Skill Choice

  1. you are the only one who can control you. and you did. YaY! the other was attempting to control you/your emotions and behaviors. but you did not let them. YaY! this is a very hard thing to be able to do, you should be proud of how you did it, and stuck to it.

    • Yes I agree. We are all conditioned to believe that if we walk away, we are the weak one. Nothing could be further from the truth, it takes control and strength to be able to take a volatile situation, assess it and decide to go….and we are suppose to be the weak minded people, the people who do terrible things because we can’t control ourselves!!! Victory to you Kristine

  2. That’s what we call progress. Good choice. Always set a time to come back and discuss it at a later time when your emotions have calmed. It is wise to focus on you, not the other person in trying to regulate your emotions. Good job.

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