Yesterday I made a decision and someone was not happy with that decision. From my point of view, I decided to walk away from a situation that was making me upset rather than yell at them about it. From their point of view, I decided to “make a scene” by walking away. This reinforced a few things for me, some negative and some positive.
Negative Reinforced Messages
- It doesn’t matter if I use a DBT Skill because if I do not behave the way someone wants me to then they will always get upset with me.
- This person still does not understand what I am trying to do to manage my emotions and still expects me to just not feel anger at all (“Just let it go.”).
- The focus seems to always be about how far I still have to go instead of how far I have come.
Positive Reinforced Messages
- I was able to quickly identify that I was getting angry, look at my two choices (walk away or yell) and I chose the best of the two given the situation.
- With it being the next day, I still stand by my decision to walk away from the situation.
- I do not have to tolerate something/someone that makes me angry.
- I identified another trigger that I can work on coping with.
I want to focus on the positive reinforced messages than the negative reinforced messages, but I will admit that this is difficult to do (excuse me, my people-pleasing is showing!). I will need to do a lot of positive self-talk to make the positive messages stick. As I learned from DEAR MAN appearing confident is important when expressing yourself and your needs. I actually want to be confident and I know there is some truth in “fake it til you make it”. I want that unshakable confidence of where I can say, “I made a decision and I stand by it.” This isn’t how I felt last night in the moment and it is still not how I feel this morning, but the confidence is closer to the surface this time around. The fact of the matter is I chose to use a skill for MYSELF not for the other person.