I’m not good at showing myself compassion. I am a people pleaser and have a long history of hating myself. While I do not hate myself now I still place high expectations on myself. I am the hidden perfectionist that stops trying if they can’t do something right the first time. I know that using DBT skills is an act of self-compassion but when it comes to specifically addressing self-deprecating thoughts I really struggle to call upon skills because those thoughts are harder to make go away when I feel like I deserve them.
My emotional episodes are when I can, 8 times out of 10, show myself compassion. I am beginning to understand why I feel certain ways and that I deserve to not feel guilty when the emotional response to related to trauma. Where the struggle to show myself compassion comes in is when I do not feel like I deserve it. This is where I find myself this morning.
I have a headache. I do not like taking medication for headaches and they usually don’t work if I do. I told work I couldn’t come in today and I feel huge amounts of guilt. I apologised to my employer for not feeling well and have now been telling myself for an hour that I am letting my team down and that I am a horrible person. I tell myself that I should be able to suck it up and go to work. These thoughts are causing physical anxiety which is uncomfortable to sit with.
I am trying to not focus on the emotional thoughts and keep telling myself that it is best that I take care of myself and do other productive things with my day such as send some emails, begin packing for my move and visit my family. I need to replace my negative broken record (“You’re worthless”) with a positive one (“You deserve self-care”).