I used to not identify with the BPD diagnostic criteria, “Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self,” (DSM-5, pg. 663). And while I do not want my experience to be put into a checklist of symptoms I have come to see how my identity, in times of crisis, is very shaky. I think I didn’t realize this “identity disturbance” because I was using different language with myself and I thought I was doing what everyone else was doing (which could still be true).
I am fairly dysregulated right now so expanding on this is not within my capacity right now, but it relates to why I am dysregulated. My role has changed. I am now unemployed and find myself with WAY TOO MUCH time on my hands. I am alone, no one to talk to and I am spending a lot of time inside (and it’s only been 3 days…). I find myself sitting at my computer staring at the screen wondering what to do with myself. If I am not working then what? What is my worth? What is my purpose? Why do I exist? These are all things I could answer last week. I wish it was last week.
What am I going to do about this? Try and bring myself down so I can think. I’m very spacey right now.